14 Red Flags you Should Never Ignore in Your Relationship

Updated: Dec 15, 2020
By Maryam Idris Bappa
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A red flag can be a character trait, a certain habit, behaviour, or any kind of beliefs or core values of someone else that makes your intuition sound off. This can be an issue in the present moment or something that you may see as a potential problem down the line.

If you struggle with low self-esteem, abandonment issues, and disease to please, any sign of smoke will make you feel like you have to work that much harder to prove you are “enough” for it to clear.

And when you eventually get locked in the vicious cycle of investigation opening, truth chasing, instinct prosecuting, and reality questioning…

You will know that you got burned.

When it comes to red flags in a relationship, in dating, and even in your friendships…

Have you ever heard the saying “where there’s smoke, there’s fire”?

A red flag is a cloud of smoke that no matter how much you try to fan away, choose to identify as fog, or spray with the air freshener of denial and keep walking through, will always lead you to fire.

When you first make it official with your new partner, it can be easy to ignore any red flags in your relationship and focus on the positives, pushing every doubt about your compatibility to the back of your mind because there’s that hope behind your mind, that they might change. And while it might be fun to stay ignorant for a while, there are some red flags that you should never ignore.

Red Flags You Should Watch Out for in Your Relationships

1. Nasty Comments about Random Strangers

The way people talk about others is always a clue to who they (truly) are. No one is above dropping the odd critical remark but it’s especially telling when someone takes aim at an innocent stranger. I recall a friend saying when took his new partner to the movies she made nasty comments in passing about the appearance of other women. “It stuck with me because I just thought it was really mean,” he said.

Here’s the thing if they can talk nasty about a stranger, who says they can’t talk like that about you or your family?

If your partner thinks something is hilarious and you find it disturbing, or you feel is disrespectful and it does not coincide with YOUR own relational value system and moral code… You need to identify it as the smoke that it is and stop investing.

2. Pay A Close Look at How They Talk About Family, Friends & Exes

Pay very close attention to how they talk about their family, Friends and Exes. Listen to how they speak about family, if they talk about their sisters in a way that doesn’t sit well you, take notice. If they are quick to judge insult their exes or say degrading words towards the opposite gender or notice if they act like a different person, seek their validation, or get off to being a fixer/rescuer for them.

If they have a relationship with a family member, a friend (Bestie and Co), or an ex that at best, makes your stomach turn and at worst, have you questioning your place in his life, your relationship with him, your value, his values and your reality, keep your antennas up because the most deal-breaking red flags hide in these dynamics.

3. They Label Themselves

People cannot help but communicate who they are through their actions and patterns but sometimes, it’s their direct words.
If they straight up tell you that they are immature, indecisive, keeping their options open, too good for you, can’t give you want, is a commitment-foe, etc.

That’s not your cue to try to be the exception to a rule that is so deeply branded in their being, they have no problem communicating it and don’t want to work on it.

It’s your cue to fold.

4. When They Are Too Defensive

If you casually and respectfully ask them a question and their defensiveness seems very strange, unnecessary, theatrical, and disproportionate to the question and energy with which you asked, this is one of the major red flags in a relationship.

Especially if they deflect and makes you feel immature, accusatory, or “mean” for asking.

Sometimes you try to confront them over a simple issue, but before you finish your statement they have already gone to war with you. Their defence is up, they have their weapon ready to dismiss whatever you say.

5. Being Selfish is A Red Flag They Should Ignore

Do they show little interest in your life (but expect you to be their on-demand cheerleader, motivational coach, and armchair psychologist)? Or the only time they show any interest in whatever you have going on is prior to getting a need met?

Or, if there’s something in it for them?

My dear, run.

6. They Always Get You Jealous

Because you never feel like you have “all” of them, you are in a constant state of trying to get all of them. If you feel like you have to compete with other women or men, their ex, their family, job, etc…

This unfairly de-pedestals you, obnoxiously pedestals him and redefines your definition of a relationship as something that you have to compete for to experience.

No thanks.

7. They Repeatedly Say, “I’m Just Kidding” to Hurtful “Jokes”

“Joking” in this manner is such a joke. As long as they’re “joking” and you have an adverse reaction to it, you just “can’t take a joke.”

As long as they’re kidding, they can be cruel and get away with it because “it’s just a joke.”

They are the joke here and you need to be done.

8. When They Have an Allergic Reaction to Your Success

If your success requires you to give them more attention during your moment, that’s a huge red flag in the relationship.

If you’re made to feel bad and apologize for your success, this is because your success shines a light on his lack of it. And anyone who can only amplify their light by dimming yours is not worth your time.

9. When All of Their Friends are of The Opposite Sex

15Friendships can add good and positive influences to our lives and to our relationships. But be informed: opposite-sex friendships will destroy your relationship if it goes too far, too close and unchecked. However, it can be a challenge to balance the intimacy of our relationships with the other important friendships in our lives.

And if you’re the jealous type, and you are in a relationship like this. I can’t help but say, you’re planning to give yourself a stroke.

10. They are Extremely Moody

One minute they are pissed off at you for making a minor mistake, and the next minute they want to take cute photos and post them to Facebook. This is one of the red flags in a relationship.

11. When Their Definition of Love, Monogamy, Honesty, and Respect Are Not the Same as Yours

There are stages in Love. Compatibility is the most important. If you have no problem raising your kids in a different way and they want them to be raised in another way…and they are not willing to compromise their thoughts, or if you have different goals, ambitions, likes and dislikes, you both are not compatible at all

And if you decide to keep on moving, thinking they might change…AH! Sorry for you in advance.

You deserve someone who defines these things in the same (or an even better way) than you do. Think of how you would advise someone you care about and do the same for yourself.

Walk away from this red flag.

12. If Their family Don’t Like You

If their family doesn’t respect you even acknowledge you or doesn’t think you’re the one, you’re just wasting your time.
Even if they promise to stick by you through thin and thick…is that really something you wanna compromise? Your happiness?

Once their family loathes you, my brother/sister, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.

13. When You Don’t Even Recognise Them After the Honeymoon Phase is Over

Everyone is a little overly soft in the first month or few weeks of dating. Once you get through that, you start to see the real person.

How much they change will set the course for what they’ll be like in the future.

14. They Become Angry when Discussing Their Mistakes

It’s not alright when they become angry about discussing anything they don’t like, don’t agree with, or don’t want to talk about.

Your partner shouldn’t lose their handle and try to suppress your communication at times when they know they are wrong. Their inability to talk about things that annoy them or strike a nerve is going to cause communication obstacles in your relationship further down the road.

Conclusion

If you see 4-5 of the following red flags in your relationship, you might want to reconsider the relationship. However, if you see 7 more of these red flags in your relationship.

RUN!

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