How to Deal With a Controlling Husband

How to Deal With a Controlling Husband

Do you think your husband is controlling? Being in a marriage where your husband is controlling can be very trying, controlling husbands often try to limit and manage the activities of their spouses. This controlling behavior could really put a strain on a marriage, depending on how intense and frequent it is exhibited. Here is how to deal with a controlling husband, but before that, let’s identify controlling behaviors.

Why Do People Develop Controlling Behaviors?

Before you know how to deal with a controlling husband, learn why people become controlling in the first place. The reason why people become controlling differs from one person to another, this is because they’re different causes for the development of controlling behaviors. However, among generally identified causes for controlling behaviors, someone could become controlling if they’ve experienced some kind of abuse in their lives earlier on

An example is when someone experiences abuse as a child when they have no control over the situation, there is a great chance that they’ll become controlling as a means to prevent themselves from getting hurt again.

Extreme levels of low self-esteem and self-confidence have also been linked with the need to be in control. When a person has been let down so much in their lives or has a personality disorder or a psychological condition that makes it difficult for them to have confidence in themselves, they will try to control anyone they can in a bid to feel superior to them.

Typically, they boost their self-esteem and confidence by putting others down.

Signs of a Controlling Husband

While they are many subtle signs of a controlling husband, such as extreme jealousy, emotional blackmail, disrespecting you and your feelings, caring too much about your finances, loving conditionally, spying on you, and many more.

They are major signs that characterize controlling husbands. If you know them, you can know how to deal with a controlling husband.

1. He Criticises You A Lot

This is the most obvious sign, a controlling husband constantly criticizes you and anything you do. This is so you feel like you can do anything without him and always need him, and he feels he’s important in your life.

This criticism often starts on benign things and manners such as the way you talk, the way you work, or your point of view on certain matters. Eventually, it stops being on one or two things, but he starts criticizing everything you do, your appearance, the work you do, or even the way you have sex and so many aspects of your life.

At some point, you end up feeling like you can’t do anything right before your husband.

2. He Isolates You

A controlling person wants you all to themselves, therefore they will isolate you from every other person, including your friends and family. They try to control you by making sure you have no one else to run to, making you completely dependent on them.

Controlling husbands want to control their wives without anyone realizing it, such that to outsiders they’re the perfect supporting husbands.

3. He Uses What He’s Done For You Against You

A Controlling husband often does nice things for his wife, helping out with home chores, staying away from other things to be with you, getting your gifts for no reason, or simply going out of their way to help you with something.

While this seems like a nice romantic gesture, there are strings attached. After they’ve done something nice for you, you’ll have to be extra nice to them also as they expect.

This means you’ll have to do what they want and how they want it, giving them the control they desire. This is one way to learn how to deal with a controlling husband

4. He Makes You Feel Guilty

Anything you do that does not make your husband happy, a controlling husband makes you feel guilty for it. They do this in an attempt to manipulate you into doing what they want, the way they want it.

A good example is when they don’t like you meeting friends or family members, when you get back home, they make you feel guilty for not staying at home and spending the time with them.

If they do this everyone you meet friends and family, it gets to the point where spending the time with them instead of family friends seems easier. When this happens, they’ve successfully isolated you further.

5. He Wears You Down

The ultimate goal of a controlling husband is to make you completely dependent on them. And often they do this by trying to lower your self-esteem and confidence, such that you feel you need them.

A controlling husband wants to make sure they are the only ones in your life so they can control you. So they criticise you, threaten you, gaslight you, and isolate you from your friends and family.

All these aims at wearing you down to the extent you give in and do the way he wants. The earlier you learn this, the earlier you learn how to deal with a controlling husband.

How to Deal With a Controlling Husband

1. Reach Out to Other People

When you have reasons to believe your partner is attempting to control you, it is important that you reach out to the people around you. Your controlling husband will try to keep you away from your friends and family, but you must try to keep them close

It’s a good idea to open up to someone you trust about your situation when you feel comfortable doing so. They may be able to offer advice or a comfortable and safe space for you to express your feelings at this time.

Don’t let your spouse ruin the relationships you have with your family and friends.

2. Talk to Your Husband

A controlling might not listen to you or take your expression seriously, however it is important to tell him how he makes you feel, and maybe it will dawn on him that he is hurting you.

You need to let him understand that you are strong and still have self-esteem, and you can’t put up with his controlling behavior. Also, be sure to let him know that you want to help him and make the relationship work.

You could also suggest a couple’s therapy to get help from professionals. They’ll help identify possible areas your husband can improve.

3. Set Boundaries

It is important to set boundaries if your husband’s behavior has gotten better after seeing a therapist. This will help you establish to your husband what you’ll tolerate and what you’ll not in your marriage going forward. This would also help your husband understand when he is crossing the line in your marriage.

Try to reach a mutual agreement on how the marriage should be. Even when your husband isn’t cooperating, this will help you decide what you’ll and will not stand for, and identify when your husband is back to his controlling behavior.

4. Decide to Stay or Leave

If you should observe that your husband’s behavior isn’t getting better, and he’s not willing to seek help in improving his behavior, then you need to choose if you would remain in the marriage or not.

If you feel your husband is becoming increasingly controlling, it is better to leave the relationship.


A healthy relationship is that in which there is an equal balance of power. Being in one where power and control are held by one partner makes it difficult for the other partner to feel in control of their life. However, by knowing how to deal with a controlling husband through effective open communication and professional help, the victim can regain a sense of control over their lives.

If you find yourself in such a relationship, ask for help, don’t let your husband weigh you down. Know that you can get through this and always choose your well-being above any other thing.


Can a controlling husband change?

Yes! Psychology tells us that every behaviour can be learned and unlearned. The same goes for controlling behaviour, with the help of a marriage and couple therapist, a controlling husband can unlearn his controlling behaviour and learn how to maintain an equal balance of power and control in his relationship.

How does a controlling husband affect me?

To gain absolute control, controlling husbands try to make you completely reliant on them for everything. They do this by isolating you from others, limiting you, and wearing down your self-esteem. This leads to self-doubt, low self-confidence, and helplessness which takes a toll on your mental health.

How do I communicate to my controlling husband?

It might be difficult to get a controlling husband to listen to your opinion. Nonetheless, expressing how they make you feel to them might let them know just how their behaviors hurt you as most controlling people do not know they are controlling.

You could also reach out to a professional to help your husband identify his controlling behavior and profer means to maintain a healthy relationship.

How do I set boundaries if he doesn’t listen to me?

Even when he doesn’t listen to your opinions, make your demands clear and explain the things you won’t take anymore. If he still ignores you, go ahead and set the boundaries and if he violates them, give him the consequence to let him know how serious you are about your boundaries.

When do I leave a controlling husband?

With the right professional intervention, the controlling behavior of a husband can be addressed. However, when the husband becomes increasingly controlling or emotionally abusive even after seeing a couple or marriage therapist, it is advised that you leave the relationship. Always put your well-being above any other thing.

7 Ways to Help You Work More Effectively Remotely

7 Ways to Help You Work More Effectively Remotely

There are various tips for working from home effectively that can help you boost your productivity as an individual. With companies now embracing working from home policies, these tips can help you balance work and home.

The covid-19 pandemic forced offices to shut down physically and move to remote working options. However, remote working is gradually becoming the new norm as more institutions are giving workers options to work from home or resume physically.

If you are new to remote working, you might have noticed how you have had to change your routine at home to fit your work schedule. You would have to figure out when is convenient and where and also find a balance between work and personal life. Adapting to this new change will take time.

I have worked (and I am working) freelance which requires me to work from home.  Writing from my experience and the experience of my fellow freelancers, I share 7 tips on how to work remotely effectively.

How to Work Remotely Effectively

1. Have a Work Routine

Having a work routine and consistently sticking to it can help you work remotely effectively.

Plan a working structure with timing that guides what time you would want to work and what you intend to work on. Having this clear guideline can help you maintain a balance between work and home.

My work routine at home and when I am in school is very different. Since I have lectures during the day, I plan my outline at night. In the morning at 5, I’m up writing before I go to class.

Write your planned routine on a board or a sticky note, whichever works well for you. Chose whatever time is convenient for you. Write down the time and the task you want to work on and shut out distractions.

Tip: your phone is one of the big distractions when working remotely.

2. Shut Out Distraction That Can Hinder

Working from home means you’d have to deal with distractions that are not available in the office. Family, friends, and neighbours are some of the distractions you might face when working from home.

Shutting distractions around your working environment at home is another Tip for working from home effectively. How do you reduce distractions from home?

  • Set Boundaries: if you do not stay alone, you might need to let your family or roommate know what time you would need a quiet place to work effectively. For example, my roommate knows not to play music between 5:30am to 7:00am. At that time most people are yet to wake, hence less distraction.
  • Keep Your Phone in Meeting Mode: A big distraction while working from home is your phone. At work, you are used to the “professional” environment and you barely used your phone. At home, there is no one to monitor you. Keep your phone on vibration and do not make of the social media on your break time.

3. Have a Time for Break

Break time is probably the best time for people/ either at work or in school. If you can have a break at work, why can’t you have one at home.

Taking a break helps you to work remotely effectively. A 10-minute for every 30-minute break would do you good when working from home

Your brain is not a machine. Working for long hours straight without taking a break would harm you. You would become tired quietly and stress would set in.

During your break, you can do other things that do not concern work. My go-to break activity is getting food. For every 30-minutes I spend typing, I used the time to grab a snack or plate of food.

4. Create a Convenient Workspace

A Convenient workspace can help you work from home effectively. It gives you that “professional” feeling like you’re at work, except without the office walls.

An ideal workspace would include a table, a comfortable chair, and your working tools. Your laptop and working materials like books and pens would automatically take up the remaining space. Create your workspace in an environment you are comfortable in.

It is also important to get the right equipment to help boost your productivity. You wouldn’t want to have your laptop switching off when you’re on a video call. Ensure you have all the necessary equipment you’d need working in the right condition.

Also, a little bit of aesthetics can help you work better at home. A family picture or a piece of art on the wall surface can create a homely feeling.

5. Create Time for Outdoor Activities

I am so guilty of this. When I started freelancing, I’d be indoors most of the time just working. My life became a routine and eventually It affected my output. Thank God for my friends that drag me out forcefully.

When working remotely, it is very easy to get used to staying indoors. You do not have to wake up early in the morning to prepare for work. You can get too comfortable with staying indoors, your only touch of reality could be social media.

To work from home effectively, you need to set time aside for outdoor fun activities. Some of these include going to a park, grabbing lunch with friends or family, or like my favorite activity, attending a musical concert.

Having time to go outside and have fun will energize you, physically and mentally. It will also give your body a good stretch.

6. Keep in Touch with Your Colleagues

Various apps can help you connect with your fellow colleagues at work. Keeping in touch with your colleagues can help you work remotely effectively.

Apps like slack, google meet, discord is great way of connecting with your colleagues virtually. Staying indoors can make you “forget” who you work with. Because you’re not constantly in touch physically, you may lose touch with them.

Organizing a group video call can boost your productivity from home. It allows you to brainstorm ideas and smile.

7. Take Online Training Courses

To work from home effectively, you would need to be constant with new changes and advances in your field of occupation.

You can utilize YouTube, Coursera, or any free training programs that offer the choice knowledge you are looking for. This helps you become better in your output and adds to your development personally.


With many job positions seeking remote workers, these 6 tips on how to work remotely effectively would help you manage the balance between work and personal life while working from home.

A comfortable workspace is necessary for working from home. Make sure your work setup is convenient for you with access to a power supply and good aeration. Set a timetable that would guide how you work on tasks.

What does your dream workspace look like? Share your ideas with me in the comment section and I’d share mine!

The Northy Letter Week 4, January 2022

The Northy Letter Week 4, January 2022

Hello everyone. Here I come again with a recap of what happened last week that you must have missed – the Northy Letter Week 4. Stay with me as a cruise you through.


It’s still the beginning of the year. Most of us have plans on how we want to spend this year. Some of you want to start a family, learn a new skill, or do something such as stop a bad habit, express yourself more, etc., some also want to start or improve an already existing business. There are various ways to do this, which is why I think you should head on to this lovely article How to Register Your Company with CAC

Apart from your own views and opinion, do you care about others? Learn to communicate more and understand how other people think and feel. This helps you have better relationships with those around you. Don’t know where to start? You can start with this wonderful article written by Precious Alex-Toji5 Actionable Tips to Develop More Empathy.

Have you ever been battling or coping with teamwork? If yes, worry no more as Aisha Jibril has come to your rescue with an amazing article on 10 Tips to Work Better as a Team.


Indeed we are in the 21st century and I must say so many things are still very alien to us. The need to make life more efficient and easy has led to the use of advanced technology to the extent that we now have self-driving cars, maybe flying cars too. Talking about making life easier, robots are now being created to assist in house chores, cooking, and more. That’s apart from doing complex tasks in the industrialized system. All You Need to Know About Robotics will fill you in on Robot Technology.

If you haven’t heard of clean energy, then you must have heard of carbon emissions and greenhouse gases which are depleting the atmosphere due to pollution. Clean energy is a way of producing reusable energy while trying to fix the problem of pollution and the destruction of the atmosphere. To get more on this clean energy you need to read this well-written piece by our tech-savvy Umar Farouk Kabir on What Clean Energy Is All About

And who wouldn’t like to improve on their personal life? Are you looking for something to read that will help you become a better person? Then I got you covered as these are the Eight Books That Changed My Life. I didn’t say so, Aisha Jibril did. I am not much of a reader but I am definitely going to check those books out to experience that change. You should too.


Nature is filled with wonders, beauty, and magical healing powers. Yes! You heard right. Although you might ask, is there a magic wand? Yes, there is. This is because plants can serve that purpose. Plants like Moringa have been used to cure ailments and do other things that improve health. Find out the Benefits of Moringa Plant.


Old school Thursday! As usual, it is about the culture, traditions, and heroes of our past. Something is always looking strange. Something is always trying to make us curious. How about names? We hear a new name if not every day but at least once in a while. Some names sound really cool while others are odd. Sometimes due to cultural differences, we spend time practicing its pronunciation. But most times we don’t really know were these names mean. Here is a guide to a few of these names so next time you know the meaning of what you’re saying lest you bite your tongue. 150+ Hausa Names and their Meanings.

Since I was a kid, I loved to dress up. I’m telling you, Cultural Day is the best day of school for me. I always adored cultural attires so much noting their similarities and differences with other cultures. The Hausa Royal Attire is always beautiful. What they represent is mind-blowing. It’s so beautiful that you could tell someone’s rank by the colour of their clothes and the turban is glamorous. I think I’ve said too much. You should read all about it.


Yes! It is the best day of the week and this is what I have for those who don’t know what Gifts to Give out during Naming Ceremonies. Sometimes, it is hard to pick gifts for other people and naming ceremonies are no exceptions. Just gave out a wonderful article to help you out.

The Harmattan monsters are upon us. Just kidding. Although the weather doesn’t go easy on our skin and our health. Our lips are not left out. The harsh, dusty, and dry wind leaves it dry and chipped. No more. Read how to make your own Homemade Strawberry and Lemon Lip Balm and also Homemade Peppermint Lip Balm with Aisha Zakari as she shares this sweet recipe and never suffer chipped lips again


One of the things that allow disrespect by our significant other to take place is when we don’t set boundaries. Should we set them or nay? You can go ahead to find out Why Setting Boundaries in a Relationship Is Important.

Apart from that, if you are going on your first date and you want it to be fun then this article is for you – Fun Things to do on a First Date. I promise you this will help you gain a space in their hearts that’s if you don’t steal it completely.


There are lots of recipes I want you to try out. Though you could be working a 9-5 schedule and you are quite busy. If that’s the case, please save this article for one of those experimental days – How to Prepare Kunun Gyada written by Abu Hafsah; I was surprised to know it’s coming from a guy, yes a guy! The drink is very nutritious, delicious, and great for everyone in the family. That’s not all. You could also learn How to Make Beans Porridge (Faten Wake).

That’s a wrap! The Northy Letter with all these interesting reads for you to pick from. Next week, I’ll be back with more. Once something is good, we all want more of it. It will only get better from here. I am excited. I will be expecting you next week.

Why Setting Boundaries in Relationships Is Important

Why Setting Boundaries in Relationships Is Important

Setting boundaries in relationships is crucial in maintaining a healthy social rapport with others. In the world today, we’re constantly interacting with people, physically or digitally. It is vital that you set boundaries in your relationship as it helps regulate the behaviour of others towards you.

Boundaries are like limits. Think of it as a house with a fence around it. You can have neighbours around you but your fence limits the extent to which strangers can trespass on your property. It safeguards you from intruders whilst maintaining your safe space.

Due to our interactive nature as humans, we find ourselves in different forms of relationships. In the working environment, we establish professional relationships with our colleagues. With our partners, we engage in romantic relationships. However, whatever form of relationship you’re in, setting boundaries in such a relationship is the key to sustaining its longevity.

Let’s get right into the importance of setting boundaries in a relationship.

5 Reasons Why Setting Boundaries in a Relationship is Important

1. Build Healthy Relationships

A popular misconception about setting boundaries is that it keeps people apart. Wrong! On the other hand, setting boundaries keep toxicity out of your relationships.

I had a friend who was always using my things without returning or replacing them appropriately. I like meticulousness. Unable to condone my things always getting missing, I demanded that if he would not return my things, he could as well forget about using them. Within months, he was conscious of returning my things appropriately and on time.

When you set limits to what you can and cannot condone in a relationship, you are building the foundation for a healthy relationship. As long as you do not communicate what is right and wrong for you, you’d have to put up with people constantly trespassing on your boundaries, leading to constant arguments and unhealthy relationships.

2. Encourages Respect

Mutual respect for one another is one benefit of setting boundaries in a relationship.

Respect is built when partners understand what they should and shouldn’t do and adhere to these clearly stated boundaries. Most relationships collapse because people do not clearly state what they like or dislike, leaving them open to all forms of manipulation and exploitation.

During my first year in the university, I was naive to the strict traditions of my northern peers. Once I attempted to hold a female friend of mine, she immediately rebuked my action, politely. She explained that while holding hands may be normal to others, she was conscious of physical touch with her male friends. This was a personal boundary she had set, which if she hadn’t communicated clearly to me, I would have broken in the future. My respect for her surged like an electrical current.

When your partner keeps breaking the limits you set in your relationship, it simply means they lack respect for you and your principles. Respectful partners are those who understand each other’s boundaries and work together in preserving them.

3. Boundaries Build Responsibility

Setting boundaries in your relationship help cultivate a sense of responsibility to each other.

Boundaries stipulate what we are comfortable with and what makes us uncomfortable. When you and your partner set what behaviour is acceptable and what is not in your relationship, you are both shaping each other’s responsibility in making the relationship work.

Say your partner is a very busy person, a banker maybe. You know calling or chatting at midnight is a “no-no” because they’d most probably be resting. If you do pester them with calls or texts at midnight, it only speaks of how irresponsible you are.

Responsibility stems from the knowledge of the boundaries set in the relationship. If your partner knows your boundaries, it is their responsibility to not ‘cross the line’ and the same goes for you. A relationship without boundaries is prone to all sorts of irresponsibility.

4. Improves Self-Awareness

Outlining your boundaries in a relationship is one way of improving your self-awareness.

Considering that boundaries are your do’s and don’ts, it takes an awareness of who one is to be able to set clear-cut boundaries. Also, it helps regulate how people behave around you and increases your self-esteem.

Recently, I visited a friend of mine who lived off-campus. Entering his room, I noticed a list of do’s and don’ts on the wall and it got me curious. Being so inquisitive, I read through the list and I was amazed. One instruction read “do not press the toothpaste from the middle”. This way, I understood what my host could condone and what he wouldn’t.

Setting limits requires you to be aware of what is the right behaviour for you/with you. It enables you to be conscious of who you are and what you stand for. It establishes you as a person of principle and increases your self-esteem.

5. Boundaries Build Trust

If you don’t have a partner you can trust, then your relationship needs some retrospection.

As partners in a relationship, understanding each other’s boundaries fosters trust. This is because you’re both aware of what behaviour you both term acceptable and what is not. Therefore, you can both trust each other to behave in a way that aligns with your boundaries.

If your partner does not like their things used without permission, you can trust that they won’t condone stealing. If your partner knows you like being prompt on date nights, you can trust them to be early for you.

A partner who continuously breaks boundaries is not worthy of trust. These are potential red flags that must not be overlooked before or during a relationship.


You are the boundaries you set.

Remember that boundaries are a set of actions or behaviours that you condone with limits. Like the house with a fence, your boundaries protect you from being manipulated and hurt.

You might find yourself with few friends but those who stick with you are those whose boundaries you respect and who respect yours too. Before you further any relationship, ensure you set boundaries that are communicated and understood.

You could also read on: What Ladies Actually Look for in a Guy (No. 4 is a Must)