by Musa Bala | Jun 11, 2022 | Uncategorized
Do you think your husband is controlling? Being in a marriage where your husband is controlling can be very trying, controlling husbands often try to limit and manage the activities of their spouses. This controlling behavior could really put a strain on a marriage, depending on how intense and frequent it is exhibited. Here is how to deal with a controlling husband, but before that, let’s identify controlling behaviors.
Why Do People Develop Controlling Behaviors?
Before you know how to deal with a controlling husband, learn why people become controlling in the first place. The reason why people become controlling differs from one person to another, this is because they’re different causes for the development of controlling behaviors. However, among generally identified causes for controlling behaviors, someone could become controlling if they’ve experienced some kind of abuse in their lives earlier on
An example is when someone experiences abuse as a child when they have no control over the situation, there is a great chance that they’ll become controlling as a means to prevent themselves from getting hurt again.
Extreme levels of low self-esteem and self-confidence have also been linked with the need to be in control. When a person has been let down so much in their lives or has a personality disorder or a psychological condition that makes it difficult for them to have confidence in themselves, they will try to control anyone they can in a bid to feel superior to them.
Typically, they boost their self-esteem and confidence by putting others down.
Signs of a Controlling Husband
While they are many subtle signs of a controlling husband, such as extreme jealousy, emotional blackmail, disrespecting you and your feelings, caring too much about your finances, loving conditionally, spying on you, and many more.
They are major signs that characterize controlling husbands. If you know them, you can know how to deal with a controlling husband.
1. He Criticises You A Lot
This is the most obvious sign, a controlling husband constantly criticizes you and anything you do. This is so you feel like you can do anything without him and always need him, and he feels he’s important in your life.
This criticism often starts on benign things and manners such as the way you talk, the way you work, or your point of view on certain matters. Eventually, it stops being on one or two things, but he starts criticizing everything you do, your appearance, the work you do, or even the way you have sex and so many aspects of your life.
At some point, you end up feeling like you can’t do anything right before your husband.
2. He Isolates You
A controlling person wants you all to themselves, therefore they will isolate you from every other person, including your friends and family. They try to control you by making sure you have no one else to run to, making you completely dependent on them.
Controlling husbands want to control their wives without anyone realizing it, such that to outsiders they’re the perfect supporting husbands.
3. He Uses What He’s Done For You Against You
A Controlling husband often does nice things for his wife, helping out with home chores, staying away from other things to be with you, getting your gifts for no reason, or simply going out of their way to help you with something.
While this seems like a nice romantic gesture, there are strings attached. After they’ve done something nice for you, you’ll have to be extra nice to them also as they expect.
This means you’ll have to do what they want and how they want it, giving them the control they desire. This is one way to learn how to deal with a controlling husband
4. He Makes You Feel Guilty
Anything you do that does not make your husband happy, a controlling husband makes you feel guilty for it. They do this in an attempt to manipulate you into doing what they want, the way they want it.
A good example is when they don’t like you meeting friends or family members, when you get back home, they make you feel guilty for not staying at home and spending the time with them.
If they do this everyone you meet friends and family, it gets to the point where spending the time with them instead of family friends seems easier. When this happens, they’ve successfully isolated you further.
5. He Wears You Down
The ultimate goal of a controlling husband is to make you completely dependent on them. And often they do this by trying to lower your self-esteem and confidence, such that you feel you need them.
A controlling husband wants to make sure they are the only ones in your life so they can control you. So they criticise you, threaten you, gaslight you, and isolate you from your friends and family.
All these aims at wearing you down to the extent you give in and do the way he wants. The earlier you learn this, the earlier you learn how to deal with a controlling husband.
How to Deal With a Controlling Husband
1. Reach Out to Other People
When you have reasons to believe your partner is attempting to control you, it is important that you reach out to the people around you. Your controlling husband will try to keep you away from your friends and family, but you must try to keep them close
It’s a good idea to open up to someone you trust about your situation when you feel comfortable doing so. They may be able to offer advice or a comfortable and safe space for you to express your feelings at this time.
Don’t let your spouse ruin the relationships you have with your family and friends.
2. Talk to Your Husband
A controlling might not listen to you or take your expression seriously, however it is important to tell him how he makes you feel, and maybe it will dawn on him that he is hurting you.
You need to let him understand that you are strong and still have self-esteem, and you can’t put up with his controlling behavior. Also, be sure to let him know that you want to help him and make the relationship work.
You could also suggest a couple’s therapy to get help from professionals. They’ll help identify possible areas your husband can improve.
3. Set Boundaries
It is important to set boundaries if your husband’s behavior has gotten better after seeing a therapist. This will help you establish to your husband what you’ll tolerate and what you’ll not in your marriage going forward. This would also help your husband understand when he is crossing the line in your marriage.
Try to reach a mutual agreement on how the marriage should be. Even when your husband isn’t cooperating, this will help you decide what you’ll and will not stand for, and identify when your husband is back to his controlling behavior.
4. Decide to Stay or Leave
If you should observe that your husband’s behavior isn’t getting better, and he’s not willing to seek help in improving his behavior, then you need to choose if you would remain in the marriage or not.
If you feel your husband is becoming increasingly controlling, it is better to leave the relationship.
Conclusion
A healthy relationship is that in which there is an equal balance of power. Being in one where power and control are held by one partner makes it difficult for the other partner to feel in control of their life. However, by knowing how to deal with a controlling husband through effective open communication and professional help, the victim can regain a sense of control over their lives.
If you find yourself in such a relationship, ask for help, don’t let your husband weigh you down. Know that you can get through this and always choose your well-being above any other thing.
FAQs
Can a controlling husband change?
Yes! Psychology tells us that every behaviour can be learned and unlearned. The same goes for controlling behaviour, with the help of a marriage and couple therapist, a controlling husband can unlearn his controlling behaviour and learn how to maintain an equal balance of power and control in his relationship.
How does a controlling husband affect me?
To gain absolute control, controlling husbands try to make you completely reliant on them for everything. They do this by isolating you from others, limiting you, and wearing down your self-esteem. This leads to self-doubt, low self-confidence, and helplessness which takes a toll on your mental health.
How do I communicate to my controlling husband?
It might be difficult to get a controlling husband to listen to your opinion. Nonetheless, expressing how they make you feel to them might let them know just how their behaviors hurt you as most controlling people do not know they are controlling.
You could also reach out to a professional to help your husband identify his controlling behavior and profer means to maintain a healthy relationship.
How do I set boundaries if he doesn’t listen to me?
Even when he doesn’t listen to your opinions, make your demands clear and explain the things you won’t take anymore. If he still ignores you, go ahead and set the boundaries and if he violates them, give him the consequence to let him know how serious you are about your boundaries.
When do I leave a controlling husband?
With the right professional intervention, the controlling behavior of a husband can be addressed. However, when the husband becomes increasingly controlling or emotionally abusive even after seeing a couple or marriage therapist, it is advised that you leave the relationship. Always put your well-being above any other thing.
by Musa Bala | Apr 30, 2022 | Uncategorized
Maintaining the intimacy of marriage and other important relationships in our lives can prove to be a challenge, especially when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. Maintaining a same-sex friendship outside marriage might seem relatively easier when compared to the challenge it could be nurturing a close opposite-sex friendship. When your partner is close to someone of the opposite sex, here’s what to know. But first, let’s take a scenario:
“Every case is different, however, I do believe there must always be boundaries if you are in a committed relationship. For example, my wife dated this guy once and they knew it wasn’t going anywhere yet they remained friends before we met. After we started dating, she would want to go hang out with him at an event he invited her to b/c his buddy or another gal pal couldn’t make it. I had no problem with her going to an event with him it was a group thing, but her going by herself with him didn’t sit well with me at all. I believe this is a boundary line you shouldn’t cross. Am I insecure? Yes because my ex-wife cheated on me with someone who was a friend of ours. Affairs can start with seemingly innocent relationships. It always starts emotional before it gets physical. So in my opinion, your relationships with the opposite sex should be very guarded and you should value your husband’s opinion and respect his desires. Otherwise, you are creating tension and struggles for him”
If you are married, there’s a good chance that you’ve had a discussion with your spouse about a relationship between someone outside your marriage and one of you. You have to decide how you should approach other relationships because obviously, your marriage is the most important relationship to be protected.
However, this doesn’t mean that you have to end your relationships with other people outside your marriage. Such friendships with someone of the opposite sex are not generally a problem until when it becomes more intimate either emotionally or physically. This could make your spouse feel uncomfortable and find it difficult to trust you thereby developing into a problem in your marriage. This article will help you with changes you can make to prioritize your marriage.
When Your Partner Is Close to another Person of the Other Sex
There are conceivable circumstances under which your partner could be friends with someone of the opposite sex without any physical attraction or sexual compatibility. In such situations, having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex might not be an issue at all. An example is being friends with old women or men around where you live. Your partner can go to their house for chats, share their personal stuff and listen to their experiences as well, help them with certain tasks and you can be sure nothing is ever going to happen.
It is also important that you realize that many opposite-sex relationships involve people who in different circumstances would be potentially emotionally and sexually engaged. While married people need to stop considering alternatives, it is common for men to befriend women they have a certain degree of attraction. When you regard someone as a potential alternative, then that friendship has a great risk attached to it.
The major difference between these two aforementioned kinds of opposite-sex relationships Is fantasy. This is when your spouse starts wondering, “I wonder what it would be like to have sex with that person or married to”. Such thoughts degrade your spouse’s intimacy, commitment, and loyalty to your marriage, and it is called considering potential alternatives.
Look Out For Warning Signs
When you have any reason to think that your partner is close to someone of the opposite sex, here are signs to look out for so you can be sure before acting on what doesn’t exist.
- When you find your spouse consistently calling or texting with someone of the opposite sex, especially when their communication is not limited to work or other necessary responsibilities.
- If you observe their relationship is becoming more intimate either emotionally or physically. Like they share personal things they wouldn’t share with someone of the opposite sex normally, holding hands or always wanting to sit together, there’s a good chance they’re becoming too close.
- If your spouse tries to arrange more meetings or reasons to be together with their opposite-sex friend more time than usual. For example, if a friendship started at work but they now want to meet more often.
- If your spouse is hiding from you the details of their communication and time together with the other person, their relationship is too close.
- When you realize they think about the other person a lot. An example is when your spouse sees or hears something, they say it reminds them of the other person.
What You Should Do
1. Reflect On Your Feelings About Your Discovery
After discovering your partner is close to someone of the opposite sex, the first thing you should do is understand how the situation makes you feel. Do you feel bothered, threatened, ignored, insecure, disrespected, or even jealous?
Knowing where your feelings lie, will help you determine how you should handle the situation.
2. Reflect On Your Relationship With Your Partner
Understanding your relationship with your spouse can give you an idea about why your spouse enjoys the friend’s company, this can also give you directions towards handling the situation permanently with much ruckus.
Try to understand the state of your marriage, how well do you communicate? How is your intimacy? How much time do you spend together? Answers to such questions can clarify what you need to do.
3. Talk to Your Partner
The important thing you can do when your partner is close to another person of the opposite sex is to first talk to them, and let them know how it makes you feel and how they are hurting you. You need to let them understand that you can’t stand them being too close to another person of the opposite sex.
Listen to your spouse as they try to explain their behaviors toward the other person and be sure to let them know that you want to make your marriage work.
4. Encourage Your Partner to Set Boundaries
Setting up boundaries can help a lot to manage other opposite-sex relationships outside your marriage by prioritizing the relationship between you and your spouse. It also protects the trust between you and your spouse. When you and your spouse set boundaries on opposite-sex friendships, it will help keep the balance between your marriage and other relationships with the opposite sex. Some boundaries your spouse and you can look like:
a. Any friendship with someone of the opposite sex must be in the open.
b. Do not share details of your spouse with a friend of the opposite sex.
c. Don’t be alone with a friend of the opposite sex outside of work, unless when agreed by your spouse.
d. Don’t be friends with anyone your spouse does not feel comfortable with.
e. Build a shared social network with your spouse.
Related: Why Setting Boundaries in Relationships Is Important
Conclusion
When your partner is too close to someone of the opposite sex, it could lead to you feeling threatened, abandoned, and even lose trust in your them. Talk to your them, they might even know they were making you uncomfortable.
You could also prevent such “closeness” between your partner and someone outside your relationship by strengthening your union and cultivating a deep friendship with your partner.
FAQs
When married, can opposite-sex friendships work?
Yes, it can, as long as your marriage is always prioritized above opposite-sex relationships. A relationship with someone of the opposite sex can work when it is not allowed to affect the trust, commitment, and intimacy you share with your spouse. A working relationship should be kept as such, there should be a limit which your relationship with someone of the opposite sex shouldn’t cross.
Should opposite-sex relationships be completely avoided?
Relationships with someone of the opposite sex can be harmless when there’s no fantasy, physical attraction, and sexual compatibility as explained earlier. In such a case, there’s no need to be alarmed.
However, some opposite-sex relationships can nurture sexual tension between a spouse and someone outside the marriage. This should be outrightly avoided.
Can opposite-sex relationships ruin a marriage?
When an opposite-sex relationship threatens your relationship with your spouse, such that you hide things from your spouse, you share intimate and personal details with your opposite-sex friend, you regard your friendship outside your marriage to the extent that you ignore the realities of your marriage, Yes!
Can men and women be just friends?
Men and women can be just friends when the friendship is practiced with self-awareness and boundaries. Without these boundaries, a man and a woman can’t just be friends. This is because it is common for men to befriend women they have a certain degree of attraction.
How do I balance my relationship with someone of the opposite sex and my marriage?
The first and most important thing to understand is that your marriage always comes first. Never allow your friendships to affect your marriage negatively. Listen to your spouse when they tell you how they feel about your relationship with someone of the opposite sex and together establish boundaries that will help protect the trust and commitment in your marriage.
by Abdulsalam Yunusa | Mar 26, 2022 | Uncategorized
The Hausa language is the predominant language in the northern part of Nigeria, with a significant population of indigenous speakers in the Niger Republic, Ghana, Cameroon, Sudan as well as other African countries.
Hausa ladies are no doubt beautiful, soft-spoken and elegant. If you have been active on social media for the past few years, sights and sounds from the glamorous weddings of Hausa ladies are enough to make you wish to have one as a wife. Well, if you are curious and would like to know how to get married to a Hausa lady, you are at the right place. But before you start thinking of the numbers and colors of kaftan to sew, it is important for you to know these steps that I will share with you. Now, let’s go straight into it!
How to Get Married to a Hausa Lady
With a large percentage of Hausa people practicing the religion of Islam, marriage in Hausaland shares an intricate relationship with that of Islam. This involves laws that disallow any unnecessary communication and physical contact completely between prospective spouses until they become officially pronounced as husband and wife.
That being said, what will you do when you finally see the Hausa lady that captures your heart?
The first thing you need to do after seeing the lady of your dreams is to do a little background check, after which you will send your relatives or other respected members of the society to meet her parents, inform them of your intention and seek permission to initiate communication between you two. The lady will then be called upon by her parents – usually the mother – and be asked whether she loves you. If she does, then the proposal will be accepted and investigations regarding you and your family will begin almost immediately. Some families will only accept your proposal if they are satisfied with the results of the background check they have conducted. While a lot of youths now skip this step and go straight to letting the lady know of their intentions, it still remains the ideal.
Now that you have been accepted as a prospective son-in-law, you will be formally allowed to go see their daughter from time to time and discuss future plans. Don’t forget to be going along with gifts though — ladies love gifts.
READ ALSO: Why Hausa Societies Don’t Perform Anymore Baiko During Marriages
Hada Kayan Lefe
After fixing a date for the wedding, this is where your savings will play a part. You will start buying Kayan Lefe. This includes a set of boxes containing jewelry, cosmetics, shoes, bags, undies, and any other clothing material that your future wife will use in your house after marriage. These items are bought based on the list that the lady will provide; you sure wouldn’t want to spend your money buying things that she won’t need. The quantity and quality of items depend on your financial status and that of the lady’s family, so you should be mindful of the family you are planning to marry from.
READ ALSO: The Average Cost of Kayan Lefe
Na Gani Ina So
After seeking permission to start seeing their daughter, some female members of your family are to meet with the lady’s family to present them with gifts. The gifts can be in form of a box containing clothes, jewelry, shoes, bags, and even some cash, depending on your financial strength.
Gaisuwan Iyaye
A little later after being accepted as a prospective in-law, what comes next is to officially go and greet your in-laws-to-be. Here, you will go well-dressed along with your siblings, close friends, or relatives to greet the parents of your future bride as well as their close relatives and friends. You might want to carry some cash with you and give it out after every greeting.
Fixing of Wedding Date (Sa Rana)
As you start getting along with your future wife, you will be expected to start making more moves towards making it official. This is where kayan sa rana comes in; these are items your family will present to the lady’s family so as to fix a date for the wedding. The two families will negotiate and finally agree on a date that will be most convenient for both sides, nevertheless, the lady’s family usually has the upper hand in making the decision. Kayan sa rana usually includes packs or cartons of sweets, chewing gums and kolanut, and some money. For a Fulani lady, you will need to add some bags of salt too.
Shelter and Kayan Daki
Providing shelter is your sole responsibility as the prospective husband. If you cannot build a house, you should rent or get a comfortable apartment before the marriage. While getting the apartment is your responsibility, the lady usually will furnish the house with furniture, kitchen items, etc. Notwithstanding, there is nothing wrong with you doing it by yourself, especially if her family will find it difficult to do it. After all, you are interested in knowing how to get married to a Hausa lady and you want her to leave her parents’ house and move to yours.
Pre Wedding Events
Several pre-wedding events are sometimes held. While events like Kamu, Kunshi/Sa Lalle, and the likes have been practiced for quite a while in Hausaland, many events, earlier unknown to Hausas have been borrowed from other cultures. This includes bridal shower, mother’s eve, Arabian night, and lots more. So, depending on the family you are marrying from, you could end up with a wedding without a single pre- or post-wedding event, or one with several.
ALSO READ: The Evolution of Kamu Tradition in Hausa Land
Kai Kayan Lefe
Delegated female members of your family will take the kayan lefe you have bought to the lady’s family. This is usually done about a week before the wedding. The lady’s family will prepare a small feast that day, and your delegates will be given some tips, known as tukwuici.
Jere
A few days to the wedding, female members of both families will go to the house you have prepared for your bride and arrange the kayan daki brought by her family, and the lefe brought by you.
Kayan Gara
These are food items that the lady’s family will bring to you usually in large quantities. It is either brought during the jere, along with the amarya after the Wedding Fatiha or after the wedding celebrations. If you have spent all your savings and even borrowed additional money to meet up with the marriage expenses, this will help you to recover for a while, before you continue with your responsibility of providing food for the family.
Sadaki (Dowry)
Unlike in some foreign cultures e.g. in India, where the bride’s family is obliged to give out the bride alongside the bride price, it is not the same in Hausaland. Here, the man is expected to give this obligatory gift to his prospective wife, or at least make a promise to pay it at a later time if he cannot afford it at the moment. This is an expression of the man’s desire to marry her and shoulder her responsibilities. It can be as little as agreed by the prospective couples or as much as they can afford, without however going to the extremes. Nevertheless, if the lady is of Fulani origin, you might be expected to give some cows as dowry or a mixture of cash and cows. It is advised that you consult people from the same community as your prospective wife, to know the range of amount in cash or its equivalence in-kind usually given there.
Daurin Aure
This is the day you have been waiting for. The Wedding Fatiha is officiated by Islamic scholars or other respected members of the society. The lady’s guardian, ‘waliyyi’ will formally announce to have given out his daughter in marriage to you, and your representative, ‘wakili’ will accept her on your behalf in the presence of witnesses. This is done to involve elders in the union, so that whenever the couples are facing a problem, they will be able to intervene and provide solutions. The amount of dowry paid before or on this day is also announced to the hearing of those present.
Conveyance of the Bride (Kai Amarya)
After the Wedding Fatiha, and all other events that will follow, the next thing is to convey the bride (amarya) to her new home. This is the time when most brides cry, not because they are not happy getting married, but because of how sad it is to finally leave the home they’ve known all their lives, for a completely new one. The bride is escorted by her friends and close relatives to the new house, and sometimes one or two might spend the night in the house.
Conclusion
Now that you know how to get married to a Hausa lady, we hope you will take the necessary steps and invite us to your wedding soon. Do you have more to tell us about Hausa weddings or how it differs with your tribe’s, please do tell us about it in the comments section below. We are eager to hear from you!
FAQs
How do Hausa people marry?
This starts from seeking permission from the parents, followed by some pre-wedding rites and events, and officially concluded during the Wedding Fatiha with representatives from both families and witnesses.
How long will it take to marry a Hausa lady?
This depends on several factors, including financial readiness and parents from both sides being satisfied with their prospective in-law.
Can I marry a Hausa lady in four weeks?
Yes, you can. For some families, the whole wedding process can be concluded in much less time.
How much is Hausa Bride Price?
There is no fixed amount for bride price in Hausa land. It can be as low or as high as the two families agree on. However, moderation is advised, so, always consult with people from the same community ad your prospective wife.
Is Hausa wedding expensive?
This depends on the family you are marrying from. You will definitely spend a lot if you are planning to marry someone from a rich family, but overall, Hausa weddings aren’t expensive.
Can a non-Hausa man marry a Hausa lady?
Yes. A significant example is the marriage of Idris Ajimobi, son of Oyo state governor, Abiola Ajimobi, and Fatima Ganduje, daughter of Kano State governor.
by Maryam Idris Bappa | Nov 14, 2021 | Uncategorized
‘Bazawara’, a term in the Hausa language used to represent a woman who has married before and is no longer with her husband, as a result of death or divorce. Yet, it is a word carrying so much identity and stigma. It could almost be seen drawn on the faces of ‘Zaurawa’. Even worse, in Northern Nigeria, the way divorce is ultimately pinned to be the fault of women, while the men are given a thousand excuses, is simply unfair.
Divorce in Nigeria
In Nigeria, according to the National Bureau of statistics, very few percentages of married men and women get divorced legally, excluding traditional marriages which are more popular. These divorces are triggered by early marriages, sexual-related issues, change in lifestyles, fantastical ideology of women about marriage, career, and also married couples living apart for more than 2 years.
Still, reasons and requests for divorce could result from either man or woman, sometimes over a ridiculous issue. In one instance, a woman asked her husband for divorce because he mistook the toilet for her cooking pot. In another instance, a man divorced his wife because he felt deceived over her beauty.
These and more have led to more than sufficient reasons to get divorced in Nigeria.
Divorce in Northern Nigeria
In Northern Nigeria, divorce trends in places like Kano, Katsina, Zaria, and Bauchi, with reasons originating from toxic masculinity, early marriages due to parents’ financial incapabilities, lack of counselling, lack of psychological preparations, and the build-up of a false psychological state of negative expectations.
Right from when a woman is to be married, the phrase “Ayi hakuri” meaning marriage is all about patience is chanted to the woman until the day she dies. This makes her go into marriage with the worst possible painted scenarios in her head, also trapping her in a long unhappy marriage of physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse.
She feels it is her responsibility to have patience and keep the marriage going until when she is not able to. Then, the fault is pinned on her and the man is acquitted.
Addressing The Stigma towards Divorced Women
Whatever be the reason for divorce, women are always at the negative stigmatic receiving end of it, with their children caught at traumatizing middles. Anger, depression, hopelessness, and poverty are some of the few impacts divorces has on women.
As a result, more and more women end up in drugs, violence, feminism, kidnapping, and human trafficking. The men, on the other hand, go on with their lives marrying as many more wives as fit for their practice.
However, it is time we stop pointing societally manicured fingers and accept that what has happened cannot be reversed. Therefore, instead of blaming each other for the past, let us allow women divorcees to breathe and live life without dooming tattoos.
Below are ways we can make life less difficult for divorced women and help them get through their struggles.
10 Ways to Make the Life of a Divorced Woman Less Difficult
1. Give Women Freedom to Make a Choice
When people divorce, it can be such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together, it can even be worse.
Monica Belluci
The first step to helping divorced women is by NOT making them stay in unhappy marriages. Parents especially fathers, giving out their daughters in marriage should know that by giving their daughters a chance to make a healthy exit out of a toxic marriage, they are saving them a lot of physical and emotional damages in the marriage and afterwards.
Rather than a warning and threatening their daughters that under no circumstances should they leave their husband’s house, with strict penalties outlined in place for them, they should advise them accordingly and trust them to make the right decisions.
Many women have gone into and stayed through disastrous marriages with fear of their parents that when the marriage eventually ends, they are left already physically and emotionally drained beyond help.
2. Know That It Could Be You
This goes to people especially women that look down on other women that are divorced. Show some empathy! Yes. There is nothing special about you that puts you above divorced women. Nothing that guarantees that you, your friend, or your family will not fall into the same situation.
As bitter as it may sound, you need to open your eyes, read some books, then get off your high horse and show these women some understanding. Or at least, don’t try to judge them based on your pure ignorance.
3. Don’t Punish Them At Home
Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping it will transform into a door.
Coco Chanel
The idea that a divorced woman should become a glorified maid of the house upon her return from her husband’s house needs to stop right this moment!
Don’t punish and frustrate divorced women at their parents’ or guardians’ homes into regret or returning to their husbands’ homes’, this ill tradition promoted by poverty and ignorance has successfully been transferred from generation to generation. Surely, it may have been seen to work and set women straight in some instances, but a piece of advice,
You never know what these frustrated women might return and end up doing. Instead, show empathy and give these women the emotional support they need. That way, they can think straight and begin to focus on the next step of action.
Also, it will enable both the husband and other members of the society to see them with respect and treat them as the humans that they are.
4. Accept Them Back in the Society
The northern society becomes like thorns on a chair for divorced women to sit on after a long day’s work. Everywhere they go, lips murmur and fingers point at them. At weddings and gatherings, especially of women, the divorcees can be seen grouping themselves into a subconscious mental club where they feel less rejected.
Women openly gossip about whose marriage just ended and whose is about to. In short, the public becomes an unfavourable atmosphere for divorced women and those who care about them.
These displays of ignorance happen as a result of a lack of knowledge and empathy by society, forcing divorced women who cannot withstand the pressure to fall back into depression and self-hatred.
5. Offer Them Professional Counselling
Take a step back, reflect and look at the bigger picture. As divorce experiences differ in different marriages, most times, when women come out of a marriage, they are in need of intense counselling in order to make peace with their past and move on.
It may also help them rebuild themselves for their next marriages. So instead of jumping from one marriage to the other, know that as a divorced woman,
Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.
Toni Morrison
Understanding why certain things happened in your marriage and why you and your partner felt the way you felt and reacted the way you reacted will enable you to understand yourselves and make a closure. It will also free you from self-blame and enable you to take the next step of action.
Although such programs are not popular in Northern Nigeria, famed online ‘Divorce Diaries’ have gone a long way in giving structure and support groups to divorced women in Northern Nigeria.
6. Empower Them Financially
Divorced women should be equipped with skills such that they can earn enough to feed, clothe, and school their children. Many women prefer to stay in draining marriages solely because they have no way of taking care of the financial needs of themselves and their children if they choose to leave.
Caught in a dilemma to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea, those who choose divorce are immediately abandoned by the husband, who is already busy with his other wives or looking for ways of replacing the woman with another.
As such, divorced women can be seen doing menial jobs like housekeeping, hawking, and others to cater for themselves and their children’s wellbeing. But that alone will not suffice as the wages they receive cannot go past feeding and clothing. Therefore, organizations should provide jobs or empowerment for divorced women.
7. Don’t Make Them Feel Inferior to Other Women
A woman should not be disqualified for her next marriage simply because she has been married before and gotten divorced.
I am talking particularly to women who feel divorced women are at the bottom of the compatibility chain of marriages. The sad truth is that this is common among mothers. A northern Nigerian mother will hardly allow her unmarried son to marry a lady who was divorced before. On the other hand, people hardly care whether a man is a divorcee when he is in search of marriage.
Why all these stigmas and preferential treatment? If a divorced woman is considered a bad person and not marriageable to a bachelor, then it is only fair that the same should apply for a divorced man searching for a spinster’s hand in marriage.
Rather than make divorced women feel inferior to spinsters because of their previous marital status, judge them for who they are fairly and give equal chances to both parties.
8. Celebrate Their Remarriages With Enthusiasm (Grand Remarriages)
There is nothing wrong with gathering a merry crowd to celebrate a divorced woman’s remarriage like it was done the first time she got married. However, this is not so, the remarriages are done so low key that one will begin to wonder if it is a thief being smuggled out of the house, or even a funeral.
For most women, they are quite content with that; the low bride price, the few ‘Kayan daki’, the small or no gathering, the absence of ‘Lefe’, and many others. The women are most of the time just grateful to be remarried and lack all manner of enthusiasm.
But there is nothing wrong with sharing in the celebration of a divorced woman’s remarriage to show them that they are loved. Attend such remarriages, give them gifts, grant them good wishes, and make them enter with a positive mindset.
9. Support Their Children
No woman should be forced to live apart from her children if it can be helped. This goes mainly to the new husband. When you marry a divorced woman who already has children, try as much as you can to support her children.
Mother and child separation has happened many times because the new husband refuses to take in her children as his. Hence, she has no choice but to leave her children with relatives or with the family of her old husband where they might end up getting maltreated. In other times, divorced women often simply refuse to remarry for fear of child separation.
In another context, husbands who divorce their wives should try their possible best to cater for her and her children and not abandon them. This will keep the mother of your children and also your children off the streets and away from suffering.
10. Don’t Rub It on Their Faces
Marry her, show her life can be different and don’t rub it on her face! If as a new husband, you cannot cater for the emotional needs of your previously divorced new wife, then don’t marry her!
Too many men have married divorced women only to rub salts on their wounds. They constantly use her previous marital status to rain insults and abuses on her and her children as they like. Desperate to not go into divorce number two, these women are forced to live with monsters as husbands.
Do yourself the honour of not disgracing your manhood and leave these women alone. They are doing very fine and do not need someone like you to marry them and practice your childishness on their misfortune.
Conclusion
We have looked at ten ways in which we as a community of people with humanity can make life easier for divorced women. However, as a saying goes;
Be the heroine of your life, not the victim.
Nora Ephron
To the divorced women out there, divorce is a chance for self-reflection and growth. It is not for the public to decide where you are spiritually or morally but for yourself to decide where you are and what to do with your life. That way, you can turn a blind eye to the negativity of people.
To the remaining people out there, know that divorce is like a road accident waiting to happen to anybody at any time. Some are more severe than others. Some people will escape with barely a scratch while others will become temporarily or permanently disabled or even lose their lives. The fact that it skips you doesn’t make you a better driver or pedestrian than others. Some people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
When bringing out an accident victim, we do it cautiously not knowing which part of the victim is hurt internally. Likewise, we also need to tread cautiously with divorced people, for we don’t know which bone in their body is about to break!
by Abu Hafsah | Sep 9, 2021 | Uncategorized
Romance is a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love: It is that feeling that a person feels for their partner that keeps the relationship going smoothly. Why Hausa men are not romantic? Consider this story:
Shafiu’s fiancé was having difficulty trying to get something done over the internet which she needed so badly. Though, he was very sick, still got up and went straight to her place because it has to be done in her presence. On his arrival, he received no proper appreciation but still went on to accomplish the task. After finishing the task, still no proper appreciation – just a normal ‘thank you’. She just acted like it was a normal thing, without properly acknowledging his efforts. Initially, he wanted to stay with her for a few more minutes to enjoy her company, but her actions made him upset, so he left almost immediately.
Why Hausa men are not romantic could be as a result of some factors – some obvious, some not. However, some Hausa men are on the opposite side of the coin. Here are some reasons worth noting:
9 Reasons Why Hausa Men Are Not Romantic
1. Environmental Influence
The theory of determinism states that “the environment has a great role to play in the way a human thinks, behaves or acts”.
Frankly speaking, in the northern part of Nigeria particularly among the Hausa, most Hausa men have little or no regard for women. They see women as too cheap and vulnerable, thereby, treat them badly. This is contrary to the teachings of the two most practiced religions (Islam and Christianity) in that part of the country.
You only value or be romantic to someone you cherish and see their worth. One that was born and brought up, or grew up in that kind of environment, will tend to exhibit that without seeing any wrong in it.
2. Poverty
Poverty is the state of not having enough material possessions or income for a person’s basic needs. Absolute poverty is the complete lack of the means necessary to meet basic personal needs such as food, clothing, and shelter.
It is very evident that Northern Nigeria is the most poverty-stricken part of the country, and Hausas are the most affected. Hausa men are the poorest people in that part of the country. As the saying goes, “a hungry man is an angry man” and when one is angry, being romantic is the last thing on their mind.
In Aisha’s words:
Any day my husband comes back from work with no money, I hardly understand him because he becomes very unfriendly.
3. Wives’ Behaviour
The love that one may have for you depends greatly on your attitude, mostly. With love, comes romance. The reason why Hausa men are unromantic owes to the behaviour and attitude of some Hausa women. Hausa women’s attitude towards their husbands can be unbearable; they are short in manners of approach, hardly assist their husbands financially, and are mostly ungrateful.
Refer to my article on 8 Things to Know Before You Marry a Hausa Lady.
Their husbands’ behaviour is a mirror of their behaviours.
4. Unromantic Female Partners
A typical Hausa lady is very unromantic. This is because they are socially and educationally backward. It is so unfortunate that some parents in the North still believe that education is just for men and women are restricted to their parents’ homes or husbands’ houses. Their little or no exposure to the outside world is a major cause.
Some of them despise putting on sexy outfits for their partners to see and admire. They see it as immorality. How backward can that thinking be socially and religiously?
Now, when you are not romantic to your boyfriend or husband, how do you expect them to reciprocate?
5. Pride
Pride is a common thing in men but that of the Hausas is way beyond your imaginations. Why Hausa men are not romantic stems from the pride in them and little regard for women (except for the very religious ones amongst them).
The pride is so great that some of them can’t remember the last time they said “I love you” to their wives or girlfriends, they don’t hug her for no reason or celebrate her for her success.
Some of them only smile at their wives when they want to get to second base. A very close friend of mine is like that. Maryam has this to say about her husband:
I love it when my husband tells me he loves me, but he hardly does. The only thing he does when I make him happy is smile sheepishly at me or pat my back if he is close. That’s it!
6. Unnecessarily Having More Than a Wife
This also answers the question ‘why Hausa men are not romantic”. Polygamy is a very common practice in Northern Nigeria. Contrary to what people normally say, polygamy isn’t a bad practice; it’s not about a man marrying more than a wife, but about every woman having a husband.
An average Hausa man has the proclivity of taking more than a wife. Co-wives, if not properly handled, can be a truck of trouble. Misunderstandings will spring up a lot and only the husband can settle or mediate in situations like this, mostly.
Constant mediation can be very tiring as women can be very aggressive and stubborn when upset. A man coming back from work only to meet his wives fighting themselves, turning his abode into a boxing field, can’t be a happy man and so, shouldn’t be expected to be romantic.
7. Too Much Workload
Aside from poverty, too much responsibility could be a reason why Hausa men a not romantic. As the breadwinner of a family, you not only take care of your immediate family, you also have your parents, siblings, some needy relatives, and some orphans left by your siblings to take care of. This is a common practice in Hausaland. Are you picturing what I’m trying to depict?
The aftereffect of Covid-19 is serious in the North. Prices of things in the market are skyrocketing by the day, so also utility bills, and you have such a huge family to take care of. How can you be romantic? Quite impossible you will agree with me.
8. Environmental Influence
The environment is also a reason why Hausa men are not romantic. Like we all know, the environment plays an important role in the way a man thinks, acts, talks, relates with others, and of course, loves among others.
In a typical Hausaland, display of love is something usually restricted to homes, I repeat, restricted to homes. Public Displays of Affection (PDA) is something prohibited by tradition. As a woman probably from the East or West dating a Hausa man and expecting PDA, sorry dear, very sorry. It’s not done in this part of Nigeria. If that’s one of the things you call being romantic, you had better scrap it off your mind today because you aren’t getting that, sis.
9. Their Parents’ Relationship
A worth noting reason why Hausa men are not romantic is as a result of the kind of family they were brought up in. Every parent needs to know that how they relate with their partners and children in their home has a great impact on how their children will see ‘relationship’ or ‘family’ as. If you share so much love for instance, like hugging your partner or pecking them, hugging your son (as a mother), or hugging your daughter (as a father), your children will most likely do the same in their families, and vice-versa
Most Hausa men see that as a taboo which isn’t. Now how do you expect someone from that kind of family to be romantic in that kind of way?
Conclusion
Been romantic is highly dependent on how you feel about someone or how worthy they are to you. Sometimes, one’s attitude or mindset plays a significant role in their romantic life.
Why Hausa men are not romantic cannot be overemphasized. Some of these reasons like poverty and environmental influence are usually pre-determined and therefore, one has little or no say in them. On the other hand, pride and unnecessarily taking more than a wife can be avoided.
I hope you find this article useful. If you do, drop a comment in the comments section. Thank you.
Related: 8 Signs and Actions of Unromantic Men and How to Deal With an Unromantic Relationship.
