by Ajibike Maryam Olaitan | Jan 15, 2022 | Relationships & Weddings
It is a thing of joy to finally move from singlehood to the married hood. That extraordinary happiness you derive when you find your soulmate, who would make you embark on the “for better for worse, till death do us part” journey, someone who turns “micasa (my home) to sucasa (our home)”. While growing up, we learned that marriage is the union between two individuals in love, who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together, basic mathematics; “1+1= you and I”.
We also learned the conventional things every marriage needs, like commitment, compatibility, love, trust, loyalty, time, communication, endurance, perseverance, and so on. But no one ever taught us to think beyond all these conventional needs. We usually act like there is an imaginary box governing the marriage affairs, but what if we break the box, what if we act like there was no box to even begin with?
You probably stopped to think a bit, not to worry. I have come up with a list of things containing what every marriage needs. Trust me, you can add yours too, depending on how much spice you want to add to your marriage.
10 Things Every Marriage Needs
1. Be Best of Friends With Your Spouse
You might ask how friendship falls under unconventional needs. The truth is, some people skip the friendship stage and jump right into love, without realizing that friendship helps you develop tolerance, helps you build compatibility, trust, loyalty, and so on.
2. Love Notes
What every marriage needs are that little spark you get from love notes from your spouse. Remember back in school when you were trying to woo her or back at a gathering when you were trying to get his attention, remember what you did? Why stop because you are married? It doesn’t end there. You need to constantly woo her, constantly remind him of how much you love him, by sticking tiny letters in his bag or on the mirror. You can also text, whichever works for you.
3. Take Them to That Special Place
Every marriage needs a special place, be it a restaurant, a beach, a gallery, where they first met, that one place that reminds you of why you decided to be with your partner. Take them there once in a while and have fun.
4. Be of Good Manners to Your Spouse
We shouldn’t only teach children good manners. As adults, we also need to learn good manners like, saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, picking up after ourselves, not inviting anyone into our home without asking our spouse first, continuing the act of opening the door that started while you were dating, saying ‘excuse me’, saying ‘I am sorry’ and every other good manner you can think you. This is will increase the bond between you two. Looking for what every marriage needs, try this.
5. Let the Compliments Keep Coming
Compliments are essential in a marriage as it helps a couple to communicate the admiration, gratitude, and appreciation they feel towards each other. Compliments make us feel good, whether we are receiving or giving them. It also makes us want to do more.
6. Show Respect to Each Other
Respect is an essential need in every marriage. Respect means that you acknowledge that your partner is not just a means to get something you want, that your partner has a different perspective and that is ok with you. You don’t always have to agree on things, but you know how to respect his or her opinions without making a fuss about it.
Respect also means that you put aside every societal norm and value and you treat your partner like a whole person.
7. Little Arguments
What every marriage needs are those little arguments. No relationship or marriage is complete without little arguments or quarrels. Arguments spring up to show the different opinions and perspectives that exist between a husband and a wife. Your ability to prevent little arguments from turning into huge ones will show how strong your marriage will turn out to be.
8. Prioritization of Each Other
Every couple needs to learn how to prioritize each other. This can be achieved by spending quality time together, understanding each other’s love language, being affectionate (saying I love you every day), and so on.
9. Understanding the Emotional Needs of Each Other
Finally, a husband and wife need to understand each other’s emotional needs and how unequal they can be. Emotional needs can be in form of sexual fulfilment, intimate conversations, honesty, openness, affection, and so on.
10. Every Marriage Needs Strength
I would like to add STRENGTH to the list. Call it conventional or unconventional, the point is, we never acknowledge the fact that it is important. Every marriage needs strength to make whatever you bring to the table work. And you can only acquire strength by building each other.
Conclusion
The above-mentioned points are what every marriage needs. Do not take them lightly as they help increase the bond between you and your spouse. Furthermore, I bet you will want your marriage to be a successful one. If that’s the case, you will need to focus on every point mentioned in this piece. Good luck with having a happy home.
If you find this article worthwhile, please leave a comment in the comments section. Did I miss any point? Let me know. Thank you.
You could also check: Things You Should Tell Your Daughter Intending to Get Married
by Abu Hafsah | Dec 20, 2021 | Personal Growth
Nowadays, respect is something that has become scarce in our society. One tends to lose respect in the eyes of people around him/her without even realizing so. Well, some make deliberate efforts to lose respect in the eyes of people due to their nonchalant attitudes. And some, on the other hand, lose it because they fail to understand the core values and attitude that needs to be inculcated to help keep his/her respect in the sight of people. If you are by any chance worrying about how to get people to respect you, then worry no more as I have to your aid.
Treat people the way you want to be treated. Talk to people the way you want to be talked to. Respect is earned, not given.
Hussein Nishah
It is important to note that to have people respect you, you have to earn it and not demand it. Demanding for it only brings about more hatred on you by the people you are asking that from. Below are some of the ways or attributes that one needs to have to be respected by people around him/her and even far away.
13 Ways to Get People to Respect You
1. Be Yourself
Being oneself entails one to be in their most natural, sincere, comfortable, and ingenious state of mind. I will advise that you should always try to be yourself around people wherever you find yourself. As tempting as it may be to be what you are not because you do not want to feel inferior among people or in a crowd, do not.
The repercussion of not being yourself is that there will surely come a time that people will find out the real you no matter how good an actor you are. Of course, you know what that means to your integrity. However, if you have an attitude generally not acceptable in society or the people around you, quit it. For instance, theft lies, and the likes are habits that one shouldn’t be associated with.
So, if you want to be respected by people, always be yourself.
2. Be Independent
One of the fastest and surest ways of getting people to respect you is by being independent, most especially being financially independent. If you want to lose your respect in the eyes of people within a short period of time, be financially dependent.
Therefore, do not beg people to survive. Be able to fend for your needs and that of your family without asking anyone, if not, people, even your family will see you as a liability and do not even want to see you close to them or associate themselves with you.
This is where hard work comes into play. You can’t skip this hurdle if you are lazy. Find something to do to earn a living no matter how little it is and give in your all to it, then wait for God’s blessing as His blessings cover and surround everything.
3. Respect People Too
Respect is a two-way street, if you want to get it, you’ve got to give it.
R.G. Risch
If want to get people to respect you, respect them too – it is should be a two-way thing. Do not look down on anyone simply because you are wealthier than they are, educated, privileged, and the likes. Respect people regardless of their status. Everyone feels good and honoured when you show them respect. This will make them reciprocate that gesture by respecting you too.
4. Always Mind Your Business
Looking for how to get people to respect you? Do not meddle in peoples’ affairs. Stop interfering in matters that do not concern you. As such, do not gossip, backbite, blackmail, and eavesdrop on and about people. Also, asking people married couples who haven’t had a child the reason why they haven’t is not minding your business, so also asking someone why he/she is lean. These are matters that do not concern you. You will just end up opening their old wounds.
Remember, you have lots of things to worry or care about regarding yourself. Why don’t just focus on them and try to see ways you can be better as a person?
5. Care for Your Friends and Family
This is the unwavering and unconditional support you give to your friends and family. In other words, it means going above and beyond to care for them out of genuine concern for their health, happiness, and wellbeing and not out of obligation.
Always know that people have eyes and can see. They will surely respect you for that, not only them but people around who notice.
6. Empower People
Do you want people to respect you? It’s simple, just empower them. Empower them in any way that you can. Do not just concentrate on yourself, your family, and your friends. No. Go out there and seek people who need your help and make their lives better. Be the reason that made them not give up in life. Make their lives meaningful.
You don’t only empower people when you give them money, No. As a matter of fact, there are different ways to empower a person.
Take, for instance, you have the opportunity to help someone get a job, then make it happen without asking for a penny in return; you have the opportunity to smoosh someone to help another get assistance – say a promotion or get selected in a programme that means so much to them, then do it. This will surely earn you respect in the eyes of the people.
6. Acknowledge and Respect People’s Opinions and Feelings
Respect other people’s feelings. It might mean nothing to you, but it could mean everything to them.
Roy T. Bennett
We are all humans but different in a number of ways and of course, have different ways of seeing things. You may choose to see Tuwon Masara as a delicious delicacy for instance, but I see it as trash! Sometimes, we may agree on certain things or issues.
In other to earn the respect of people, learn to respect their opinion. Try and see things from their own perspective as that will help you acknowledge and respect whatever it is they have to say or do.
We don’t need to share the same opinions as others, but we need to be respectful.
Taylor Swift
7. You Want to Know How to Get People to Respect You? Dress Modestly
As the saying goes,
Dress the way you want to be addressed.
Modesty entails you dressing in a way that appeals to the majority of the people around you or the place you live in or where you are going. In the northern part of Nigeria for instance, modesty is something that is very common as people hardly dress half-naked. You can’t be respected if you live in environments like that and not dress in that way.
In addition, nobody takes you seriously if you are not modestly dressed. For instance, you can’t be having a hairstyle like the head of a rooster and expect people you meet for the first time to respect you. As a matter of fact, the first attribute they will associate you with is irresponsibility.
8. Say ‘No’ to Social Vices
Knowledge will give you power, but character will give you respect.
Bruce Lee
Social vices are bad traits or behaviours such as drug addiction, illicit sex, evil or immoral behaviours such as examination malpractice, murder, thuggery, and other criminal tendencies. Whatever status or respect you have, even if it is as high as a mountain, engaging in social vices can bring it down in no time.
If unfortunately, you happen to be a perpetrator of such acts, now is the right time for you to stop associating yourself with them; there is no better time than now. Nonetheless, if you haven’t, do not embrace it. You have clearly seen how some people have gone insane as a result of drug abuse, or got pregnant out of wedlock, or were expelled from school as a result of examination malpractice.
So, if you want to be respected by people, say no to social vices and do not perpetuate them in whatever form.
9. Be Educated Enough
There is something about an educated person that tends to attract people and gain respect from them without even trying. Of course, as an educated person, the way you talk, listen, reason, think, analyze, walk, and the likes is different your counterpart’s. All these positive attributes about you are what people are looking for to respect you.
On this note, I urge you to be educated. Get up and dust that lazy ass of yours and seek knowledge.
10. Be Trustworthy
Being trustworthy is when one is deserving of trust and confidence and is also dependable and reliable. As a matter of fact, this is something almost gone missing amongst many people nowadays as against what we have a few decades back.
Be someone who people can rely on when your testimony is needed anywhere, any time; be someone who when money or a valuable item is given to, will be available as it is without damage or misplacement or theft; also, be someone who people can entrust anything to and be rest assured.
All these trustworthy attributes should be seen in you to attract respect from people.
11. Settle Down
Settling down is one of the fastest ways of attracting respect from people, most especially in this part of the country that we are – Northern Nigeria. It is not surprising that it does because of the sense of responsibility that you have for your partner or kids. You tend to be a more responsible person compared to when you were single.
So if you want to attract respect from people, quickly tie the knot with someone – someone deserving though.
12. Always be Courteous
You are said to be courteous when your good manners show friendliness and concern for others. Be willing to hold the door for people entering a building with you; be willing to speak politely to a person below you in terms of social status and literacy; also, be willing to help the aged lift or move stuff even without being asked to – this is actually one of the signs you were raised by Nigerian parents.
In addition, courteous behaviour is a reminder of the value of good manners. So if you want to be respected by people, try the habit of courteousness.
13. Give In Your All to Make Money
I saved the best for the last – make money. How to get people to respect you? Try hard to get something doing to fetch you money legally. It could be hobbies that bring in good money or a side hustle while working full time. I know you are smiling now. People naturally have the proclivity to respect people who spend like they don’t care.
With money, you can buy respect I tell you. Furthermore, people will listen and obey you way more than they will for people in authority most especially when you have the giving hands. With money, you can even have your in-laws bow before you.
That’s the power of money!
Conclusion
Being respected is something every normal person wants to be attributed to. It gives you that sense of importance in the eyes of your friends, family, spouse, children, community, and society at large. On the other hand, lacking the respect attribute makes you less important in society.
How to get people to respect you is an easy goal if you attribute yourself to the above-mentioned ways.
If you find this article worthwhile, kindly leave a comment in the comments section.
The next step after getting respect is to make a good impression on people.
by Maryam Idris Bappa | Nov 14, 2021 | Relationships & Weddings
‘Bazawara’, a term in the Hausa language used to represent a woman who has married before and is no longer with her husband, as a result of death or divorce. Yet, it is a word carrying so much identity and stigma. It could almost be seen drawn on the faces of ‘Zaurawa’. Even worse, in Northern Nigeria, the way divorce is ultimately pinned to be the fault of women, while the men are given a thousand excuses, is simply unfair.
Divorce in Nigeria
In Nigeria, according to the National Bureau of statistics, very few percentages of married men and women get divorced legally, excluding traditional marriages which are more popular. These divorces are triggered by early marriages, sexual-related issues, change in lifestyles, fantastical ideology of women about marriage, career, and also married couples living apart for more than 2 years.
Still, reasons and requests for divorce could result from either man or woman, sometimes over a ridiculous issue. In one instance, a woman asked her husband for divorce because he mistook the toilet for her cooking pot. In another instance, a man divorced his wife because he felt deceived over her beauty.
These and more have led to more than sufficient reasons to get divorced in Nigeria.
Divorce in Northern Nigeria
In Northern Nigeria, divorce trends in places like Kano, Katsina, Zaria, and Bauchi, with reasons originating from toxic masculinity, early marriages due to parents’ financial incapabilities, lack of counselling, lack of psychological preparations, and the build-up of a false psychological state of negative expectations.
Right from when a woman is to be married, the phrase “Ayi hakuri” meaning marriage is all about patience is chanted to the woman until the day she dies. This makes her go into marriage with the worst possible painted scenarios in her head, also trapping her in a long unhappy marriage of physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse.
She feels it is her responsibility to have patience and keep the marriage going until when she is not able to. Then, the fault is pinned on her and the man is acquitted.
Addressing The Stigma towards Divorced Women
Whatever be the reason for divorce, women are always at the negative stigmatic receiving end of it, with their children caught at traumatizing middles. Anger, depression, hopelessness, and poverty are some of the few impacts divorces has on women.
As a result, more and more women end up in drugs, violence, feminism, kidnapping, and human trafficking. The men, on the other hand, go on with their lives marrying as many more wives as fit for their practice.
However, it is time we stop pointing societally manicured fingers and accept that what has happened cannot be reversed. Therefore, instead of blaming each other for the past, let us allow women divorcees to breathe and live life without dooming tattoos.
Below are ways we can make life less difficult for divorced women and help them get through their struggles.
10 Ways to Make the Life of a Divorced Woman Less Difficult
1. Give Women Freedom to Make a Choice
When people divorce, it can be such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together, it can even be worse.
Monica Belluci
The first step to helping divorced women is by NOT making them stay in unhappy marriages. Parents especially fathers, giving out their daughters in marriage should know that by giving their daughters a chance to make a healthy exit out of a toxic marriage, they are saving them a lot of physical and emotional damages in the marriage and afterwards.
Rather than a warning and threatening their daughters that under no circumstances should they leave their husband’s house, with strict penalties outlined in place for them, they should advise them accordingly and trust them to make the right decisions.
Many women have gone into and stayed through disastrous marriages with fear of their parents that when the marriage eventually ends, they are left already physically and emotionally drained beyond help.
2. Know That It Could Be You
This goes to people especially women that look down on other women that are divorced. Show some empathy! Yes. There is nothing special about you that puts you above divorced women. Nothing that guarantees that you, your friend, or your family will not fall into the same situation.
As bitter as it may sound, you need to open your eyes, read some books, then get off your high horse and show these women some understanding. Or at least, don’t try to judge them based on your pure ignorance.
3. Don’t Punish Them At Home
Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping it will transform into a door.
Coco Chanel
The idea that a divorced woman should become a glorified maid of the house upon her return from her husband’s house needs to stop right this moment!
Don’t punish and frustrate divorced women at their parents’ or guardians’ homes into regret or returning to their husbands’ homes’, this ill tradition promoted by poverty and ignorance has successfully been transferred from generation to generation. Surely, it may have been seen to work and set women straight in some instances, but a piece of advice,
You never know what these frustrated women might return and end up doing. Instead, show empathy and give these women the emotional support they need. That way, they can think straight and begin to focus on the next step of action.
Also, it will enable both the husband and other members of the society to see them with respect and treat them as the humans that they are.
4. Accept Them Back in the Society
The northern society becomes like thorns on a chair for divorced women to sit on after a long day’s work. Everywhere they go, lips murmur and fingers point at them. At weddings and gatherings, especially of women, the divorcees can be seen grouping themselves into a subconscious mental club where they feel less rejected.
Women openly gossip about whose marriage just ended and whose is about to. In short, the public becomes an unfavourable atmosphere for divorced women and those who care about them.
These displays of ignorance happen as a result of a lack of knowledge and empathy by society, forcing divorced women who cannot withstand the pressure to fall back into depression and self-hatred.
5. Offer Them Professional Counselling
Take a step back, reflect and look at the bigger picture. As divorce experiences differ in different marriages, most times, when women come out of a marriage, they are in need of intense counselling in order to make peace with their past and move on.
It may also help them rebuild themselves for their next marriages. So instead of jumping from one marriage to the other, know that as a divorced woman,
Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.
Toni Morrison
Understanding why certain things happened in your marriage and why you and your partner felt the way you felt and reacted the way you reacted will enable you to understand yourselves and make a closure. It will also free you from self-blame and enable you to take the next step of action.
Although such programs are not popular in Northern Nigeria, famed online ‘Divorce Diaries’ have gone a long way in giving structure and support groups to divorced women in Northern Nigeria.
6. Empower Them Financially
Divorced women should be equipped with skills such that they can earn enough to feed, clothe, and school their children. Many women prefer to stay in draining marriages solely because they have no way of taking care of the financial needs of themselves and their children if they choose to leave.
Caught in a dilemma to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea, those who choose divorce are immediately abandoned by the husband, who is already busy with his other wives or looking for ways of replacing the woman with another.
As such, divorced women can be seen doing menial jobs like housekeeping, hawking, and others to cater for themselves and their children’s wellbeing. But that alone will not suffice as the wages they receive cannot go past feeding and clothing. Therefore, organizations should provide jobs or empowerment for divorced women.
7. Don’t Make Them Feel Inferior to Other Women
A woman should not be disqualified for her next marriage simply because she has been married before and gotten divorced.
I am talking particularly to women who feel divorced women are at the bottom of the compatibility chain of marriages. The sad truth is that this is common among mothers. A northern Nigerian mother will hardly allow her unmarried son to marry a lady who was divorced before. On the other hand, people hardly care whether a man is a divorcee when he is in search of marriage.
Why all these stigmas and preferential treatment? If a divorced woman is considered a bad person and not marriageable to a bachelor, then it is only fair that the same should apply for a divorced man searching for a spinster’s hand in marriage.
Rather than make divorced women feel inferior to spinsters because of their previous marital status, judge them for who they are fairly and give equal chances to both parties.
8. Celebrate Their Remarriages With Enthusiasm (Grand Remarriages)
There is nothing wrong with gathering a merry crowd to celebrate a divorced woman’s remarriage like it was done the first time she got married. However, this is not so, the remarriages are done so low key that one will begin to wonder if it is a thief being smuggled out of the house, or even a funeral.
For most women, they are quite content with that; the low bride price, the few ‘Kayan daki’, the small or no gathering, the absence of ‘Lefe’, and many others. The women are most of the time just grateful to be remarried and lack all manner of enthusiasm.
But there is nothing wrong with sharing in the celebration of a divorced woman’s remarriage to show them that they are loved. Attend such remarriages, give them gifts, grant them good wishes, and make them enter with a positive mindset.
9. Support Their Children
No woman should be forced to live apart from her children if it can be helped. This goes mainly to the new husband. When you marry a divorced woman who already has children, try as much as you can to support her children.
Mother and child separation has happened many times because the new husband refuses to take in her children as his. Hence, she has no choice but to leave her children with relatives or with the family of her old husband where they might end up getting maltreated. In other times, divorced women often simply refuse to remarry for fear of child separation.
In another context, husbands who divorce their wives should try their possible best to cater for her and her children and not abandon them. This will keep the mother of your children and also your children off the streets and away from suffering.
10. Don’t Rub It on Their Faces
Marry her, show her life can be different and don’t rub it on her face! If as a new husband, you cannot cater for the emotional needs of your previously divorced new wife, then don’t marry her!
Too many men have married divorced women only to rub salts on their wounds. They constantly use her previous marital status to rain insults and abuses on her and her children as they like. Desperate to not go into divorce number two, these women are forced to live with monsters as husbands.
Do yourself the honour of not disgracing your manhood and leave these women alone. They are doing very fine and do not need someone like you to marry them and practice your childishness on their misfortune.
Conclusion
We have looked at ten ways in which we as a community of people with humanity can make life easier for divorced women. However, as a saying goes;
Be the heroine of your life, not the victim.
Nora Ephron
To the divorced women out there, divorce is a chance for self-reflection and growth. It is not for the public to decide where you are spiritually or morally but for yourself to decide where you are and what to do with your life. That way, you can turn a blind eye to the negativity of people.
To the remaining people out there, know that divorce is like a road accident waiting to happen to anybody at any time. Some are more severe than others. Some people will escape with barely a scratch while others will become temporarily or permanently disabled or even lose their lives. The fact that it skips you doesn’t make you a better driver or pedestrian than others. Some people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
When bringing out an accident victim, we do it cautiously not knowing which part of the victim is hurt internally. Likewise, we also need to tread cautiously with divorced people, for we don’t know which bone in their body is about to break!
by Aisha Zakari | Nov 8, 2021 | Relationships & Weddings
“Communication is Key.”
We’ve all heard this saying before, it’s not only relating to relationships but also friendship, family, work, and business. Communication is key to any successful relationship. May I add even to any healthy relationship? Yes!
Communication is expressing, sharing, showing, and voicing ideas, feelings, emotions, and even signals from the eyes to body language and even hands. It is about expressing yourself, paying attention to your significant other. In addition, with communication comes listening and understanding, with both – an effective relationship.
You could be a great talker in a relationship but not a listener or be a listener and not a talker, it doesn’t work that way. You have to be both giving and receiving the same energy you want from your partner. It’s essential in a relationship to communicate. It may sound simple and easy, but remember, it’s always the little things that matter and makes a vast difference.
Yes, couples quarrel and disagree but they try to do so in a compassionate and effective way to save their relationship and do little things to reach out to each other to avoid getting things out of control. Be observant about the little things. Here are ways to improve communication in a relationship;
10 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationships
1. Ask Questions Like: How was your day?
This question can be answered by just anyone with “I’m fine” but coming from your partner is different, completely different.
Be extra. This question should be answered in detail, talk about how your day went, what you ate, how you got to work, how your boss looked so funny, or what you did all day.
With this question, you’re in touch and in sync with your partner. It also helps you both communicate as you both don’t run out of what to say and even if you do, tomorrow is another day to keep it going. Check in with your partner every day!
This is a way to improve communication in a relationship, invest in it.
2. Avoid Overthinking It
Did he do this? Did he do that?
Hey! Stop that! It takes two to work in a relationship. Stop overthinking about what they are doing. It’s always never worth it. You end up getting worked up over nothing. Instead, reach out to your partner and talk to about ways to improve communication in the relationship.
Assuming, expecting, and overthinking lead to disappointment and your feelings getting hurt.
3. Be a Good Listener
You could be a great talker but are you a listener?
A listener in a relationship is someone who instead of walking out of a relationship actually stays back to understand where their partner’s point of view is coming from. Listen and understand why they got upset over something you think is trivial or listen to what they have to say overcoming late to a romantic date. When you talk, listen, and understand. That is the effort, a way to improve communication in the relationship.
A partner should have this quality to make a relationship peaceful. A partner should listen, understand, and always try to forgive. Relationships can be bumpy, trust me, I have been there but I still believe it takes two to work, always. Furthermore, you have to understand and try to make amends wherever you both might be wrong.
4. Encourage Communication Between You Two
Communicating gives you an effective edge to solving problems and gives you an effective relationship and a happy attitude. Problems can be solved by communicating, understanding where you went wrong, and of course, forgiving, and letting go.
To be in a relationship is to forgive because you will be with a whole different person who has to know and understand you. They are not you and you are not them. What pisses you off might not piss them off but when you do piss them off, acknowledge it and tender an apology. It inevitably grows the relationship as you get to know and understand them in the process.
Every moment is an opportunity to connect with your significant other – always respond when they try to communicate. If your partner is trying to reach out, be there for them – this is a way to improve communication in a relationship and they are showing you they want to try with you.
Talk about future plans together, your sex life, where and how you both can improve in the relationship, and how to be each other’s support system. Make efforts to meet up with your partner’s emotional needs.
5. Avoid Caviling
Avoiding finding fault or criticizing your partner is one of the ways to improve communication in a relationship. Cavilling is criticizing, blaming or finding fault in your partner over unimportant and frivolous reasons.
“Arrrgh, you did this the last time”
“This is all your fault”
These are two different scenarios, I’ll explain.
The first talks about “the last time”. This tells you this partner held on to something he/she did the last time and a repeat of it ticked them off. This is a NO when you’re in a relationship.
You should address an issue and tell your partner how that made you feel, how it affected you. Shit happens, we all know that. Your partner could do something or you could do something wrong, immediately talk it out. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t build their wrongs up. Such piling leads to bigger misunderstandings and quarrels, and that is not healthy for a relationship.
The second focuses on “your fault”. You should not nitpick or point blames to your partner over unnecessary issues that could be addressed. Resolve issues calmly. Listen first and then respond.
Remember, you don’t always have to be right and that’s why “I’m sorry” exists. Be sincere about the apology and pick the right time to discuss the issue.
6. Talk about Planned Schedules
“Hey babe, remember the meeting/deal I told you about? It’s happening today. I’ll talk to you later tonight, say 11 pm. Do take care and I love you”
Little things matter as I said. This is a “major little thing”. Here, this partner is telling and wanting his significant other to know how stressful his day will be and what time he’ll talk to her so she doesn’t worry about him. Thoughtful, right?
It means they are communicating and also reassuring their partner that they have them in their heart and will definitely reach out when they have themselves back.
This little thing is communication all in one because they know their partner will worry about them and of course, they are saying the love word – and improving communication in the relationship.
7. Always Show Appreciation
“Thank you for letting me know this beforehand. I wish you the very best of luck, babe. Of course, you’re that luck in my life. You’ve got this. I love you”
This is another effort this lover is putting to reply to his/her significant other’s message. He/she is appreciating and expressing gratitude that their partner took out the time to let them know about their schedule for the day. They are also showing support and believing in their partner and of course, telling them they are lucky in their life to boost their confidence.
You see, relationships are about effort and energy. This message might just be words but it tells a lot about their efforts and energy. More so, the way to improve communication in a relationship is by showing appreciation and gratitude for something thoughtful your partner does. It’s quite simple, you know.
“Thank you”
8. Compliment Each Other
“You’re beautiful”
“You’re smart, my wonderful man”
“You make me feel better”
“I love your eyes, your big eyes”
“I love your butt”
Always keep telling your partner what you love and appreciate about them even in the relationship. Don’t stop when you’re in a relationship. Everyone loves reassurances in a relationship, I know I do.
Getting too comfortable with each other should be a good thing as it gives you chances to communicate effectively and express yourself however you want and of course, say naughty words.
9. Discuss Your Sex Life
“I like this better”
“I like it more when you moan directly to my ear”
“I like it when you twirl your tongue”
These are ways to improve communication in a relationship – it involves a comfortable conversation around your sex life and it is effective as it makes you both better and connected.
You should discuss your sexual fantasies with your significant other, that’s why it’s essential to be comfortable around each other. It enhances your connection, trust, excitement, and leads to better sex and a rewarding relationship.
10. Don’t Forget to Flirt!
Keep up with the flirting and the complimenting. There are a lot of nasty words and gestures that get your partner riled up, blushing, and all giddy. You need that, it is healthy.
As a lady, you could just take off your clothes in a sexual manner while your partner stares at you, get all nasty and naughty as you bite down your lip. Keep up with eye contact. It matters.
Don’t lose this, it’s exciting. You necessarily don’t need to get dirty, do it for fun. Laugh about it, enjoy it. Enjoy every flirty feeling, it helps in building the relationship.
Conclusion
The reality is really, little things matter. A partner who loves and is observant about you will know what ways to improve communication in a relationship and fix upon where they might be wrong. So, build that relationship with communication.
Furthermore, having a strong base, a strong foundation goes a long way in making communication easy for you. Relationships get bumpy along the way but trust me, it is beautiful with the right person. Communicate, Understand. Love like it’s your first!
by Abu Hafsah | Oct 26, 2021 | Personal Life
Life can be trickish. It’s not always how you want it to be. Things happen – some you are proud of and some you aren’t; some are mistakes on your part while some, you have no control over. In this article, I have come to share with you some of the things I learned late in life. Relax and enjoy your read.
8 Things I have Learned Late in Life
1. Certification Doesn’t Guarantee a Job
Na this one dey vex me pass, aswear.
When this country was actually a country one can proudly call his own, everything seems to be normal. Everything was available at a platter of gold. Nothing was too difficult to accomplish or get as long as you follow the proper channel of achieving it.
Back then, as soon as you are done studying at the University, an automatic job awaits you, and probably a car and a crib. Because of that, my parents thought certification was the ultimate way of securing a job in this country and that there was little or no need to teach me trading or any other skill aside from education.
Nowadays, the reverse is the case. You need luck and/or connections to seek a job. I graduated in the year 2012. Well, we thank God for what the certificate has got us so far, but it’s nothing to write home about because it isn’t commensurate with the efforts I have put in while studying. I then realized that had it been I had a skill earlier other than only education, my life now would’ve never been the same. I realized the best possible way to survive in this country isn’t only by studying, but having a skill.
Don’t just have the skill; be so good at it that you can’t be ignored.
2. I Should Have Married Earlier
Marriage is something one engages in life. It’s a union consisting of a husband, a wife, and their child(ren). I used to have this feeling that I’m still young and I should at least enjoy my life before I take in a responsibility; that my head is not yet ripe to settle down (which I know to be very untrue). I kept on lying to myself in that manner until now that I’m in remorse.
I’m not comparing my life to that of others but I can’t help it when I see my friends and age mates with their beautiful kids, I wish I’m in their shoes. Well, it won’t be for long before I join them.
3. I Never Should Have Shown I Was a Workaholic
I used to work in a private school some years back. Initially, I was employed as an Administrative Officer but eventually, I became the Accountant, Bursar, Store Officer, and the Secretary of the school. Initially, I was complimented a lot. We all know how private schools are. Once you show them you are competent or a workaholic, they will drain the last blood in you. I kept on complaining about the workload and they kept making empty promises. None of my records was 100% okay because of the workload and they are financially buoyant to get people to work on those positions.
The worse is that they stopped showing appreciation. I became so lean as if they were paying me with electric shock. Because of my diligence, I became so available whenever they needed me. Basically, I had no weekends!
God so kind, I got another job so I tendered my resignation. It came to the management as a surprise. The founder of the school – who was the number one in complaining called me and talked to me in a manner he had never before, trying to convince me. He was even saying my future in the school is far better than the job I got. How absurd! That was when I realized I was an asset to the school unknowingly.
Nevertheless, I still left the school. Now and then, when they are behind schedules on certain school activities, they seek my help. From then henceforth, I have become a normal employee anywhere I find myself.
An wuce wurin!
4. Never Believe Anything Your Partner Says, Verify First
Never believing anything your partner tells you until you verify is one of the things i learned late in life. I was dating this beautiful girl back in 2014. We met online. It all started as a friendship. I only see it like that, but she was on the opposite side of the coin. I made it clear to her that I’m not interested in any relationship until I’m ready to settle down. One thing led to another, she changed my intention. We started dating. During the course of dating, I made mention that I will never marry a woman older than I am.
Long story short, we dated for 3 years and even considered forming a marriage union. Four months to the proposed wedding date, we fell apart. Do you know why? I had a feeling she lied about her age to me. I got to know that when I asked her for her certificates so my brother could submit a job proposal for her in his workplace.
She initially agreed but later called and said her dad took it there already. It got me thinking. I know I’m not dumb not to have seen her certificates even once, but surprisingly, something took my mind off it; I guess that four-letter word was responsible.
So I asked my bro to help check the submissions they have. To my guess, hers wasn’t there. Then I began recalling some instances that their dots weren’t connecting. I pressurized her into letting me see her certificates so I could verify, but she adamantly refused and kept on giving me flimsy excuses.
After 2 weeks of grace, I bailed out of the relationship without a word. Since then, even if I see a nose in between a lady’s eyes and mouth, I ask if it’s really a nose. Call me crazy all you want, but once beaten, twice shy.
5. I Wish I Started Content Writing Earlier
Content writing is something entirely new in my life. It is one of the things I learned late in life; this is why.
I could remember during the Covid-19 Pandemic in 2020, my brother, the Founder of this blog asked if I would like to be one of his writers. I didn’t say no but wasn’t really interested. So I just kept it aside. He also asked me a couple of times too, but my attitude towards it was the same; nothing changed.
In July 2021, he asked again if I can be one of his Editors not Writers anymore and I said yes. That was how my content writing journey kick-started. While editing content on the blog, I realized… hey Abu Hafsah, why don’t you give this a trial? And that was it!
The first article to my credit was 9 Things to Know Before You Marry a Hausa Lady which was published on the 15 of August 2021. And guess what? It ranked well on the google search engine.
Now, this is where my regret is. Of recent, I saw an advert on Upwork for a content writer. I decided to apply and I was interviewed that same day. The pay was very good. Unfortunately, they needed someone with 20 articles and above. Only if I had started writing earlier, would I have gotten the offer.
6. Mere Assisting a Lady in Need or Showing Her Care Could Mean to Her You Are Interested
Women are very special beings. They are different from us men and so, react differently to situations. I noticed that when you give most ladies a helping hand when they need you or give your shoulder to them to cry on, they easily mistake it for love.
If you are a woman, you need to understand that that’s not how some of us think. We just saw a woman in need and decided to help, shikenan!
I’m the kind of person who has so much respect for women. Yeah, ask people around me to verify. I believe a lady is a special being that needs to be cared for and not be allowed to do anything stressful like hard labour. Their body system isn’t like ours. Assist them whenever they need you and treat them right. However, there is an exception to this; arrogant women, toxic women, and women who don’t know they are woman.
Because of that soft spot in me for ladies, I have had many cases like this. They were so many that I had to start caring and assisting less. Now, a lady has to be very very much in need before I assist. Though, sometimes, I can’t help but give them what (help) they need. Lolz. It’s already a part of me.
7. I Wish I Had Memorized the Holy Qur’an
This is also one of the things i learned late in life. The Holy Qur’an is a book we Muslims believe in. It was revealed by God to His beloved Prophet (Muhammad PBUH) bit by bit over the course of 23 years. Memorizing all of it has its special reward according to Islamic teachings.
Back when I was very young, I use to have a retentive memory and can assimilate a lot without even trying so hard. I can remember in 1997 when this song “I’ll Be Missing You” was released; one of my brothers wanted to memorize the song and so decided to write it down. It wasn’t easy to get the lyrics of a song because we weren’t exposed to the internet and there are no sophisticated phones either. If you want to get the lyrics, you will have to play the song on a radio, listen carefully, and write it down. It is very tedious as you need to be rewinding over and over again, using a BIC pen if your radio has no rewind button. Kai jama’a, an sha bakar wuya da.
To his greatest surprise, before he could even memorize the song, I already have and I wasn’t even the one writing! In addition, most of the Surahs or Verses in the Holy Qur’an I have memorized were just by mere listening.
I wished that talent in me was harnessed and channelled towards memorizing the Holy Qur’an. Now I want to, seriously want to but the hayaniya of this country won’t let me, and my memory retention ability isn’t as good as it used to be back then.
8. I Wish I Wasn’t a Nigerian, Lols
Last but not the least is this. As much as I love my country and try to be patriotic to it, I’m not happy living in it. With the recent insecurity challenges and the prices of goods skyrocketing, and a couple of other malfunctions, no patriotic Nigerian is.
Nothing one can do in Nigeria without fear; travelling, strolling, farming, spending, praying (in churches and mosques), even sleeping in your house for fear of bandits or kidnappers.
Haba! E too much na.
I know this is something predetermined by the Almighty so, one has no control over it. Amma da a wani kasa aka haifan, ko ina ne, da tuni na ware.
Conclusion
The above-mentioned are some of the things I learned late in life that I wish I knew earlier. I hope you enjoyed having a taste of some parts of my life.
What’s yours?
