How to Deal With a Controlling Husband

How to Deal With a Controlling Husband

by | Jun 11, 2022 | Uncategorized

Do you think your husband is controlling? Being in a marriage where your husband is controlling can be very trying, controlling husbands often try to limit and manage the activities of their spouses. This controlling behavior could really put a strain on a marriage, depending on how intense and frequent it is exhibited. Here is how to deal with a controlling husband, but before that, let’s identify controlling behaviors.

Why Do People Develop Controlling Behaviors?

Before you know how to deal with a controlling husband, learn why people become controlling in the first place. The reason why people become controlling differs from one person to another, this is because they’re different causes for the development of controlling behaviors. However, among generally identified causes for controlling behaviors, someone could become controlling if they’ve experienced some kind of abuse in their lives earlier on

An example is when someone experiences abuse as a child when they have no control over the situation, there is a great chance that they’ll become controlling as a means to prevent themselves from getting hurt again.

Extreme levels of low self-esteem and self-confidence have also been linked with the need to be in control. When a person has been let down so much in their lives or has a personality disorder or a psychological condition that makes it difficult for them to have confidence in themselves, they will try to control anyone they can in a bid to feel superior to them.

Typically, they boost their self-esteem and confidence by putting others down.

Signs of a Controlling Husband

While they are many subtle signs of a controlling husband, such as extreme jealousy, emotional blackmail, disrespecting you and your feelings, caring too much about your finances, loving conditionally, spying on you, and many more.

They are major signs that characterize controlling husbands. If you know them, you can know how to deal with a controlling husband.

1. He Criticises You A Lot

This is the most obvious sign, a controlling husband constantly criticizes you and anything you do. This is so you feel like you can do anything without him and always need him, and he feels he’s important in your life.

This criticism often starts on benign things and manners such as the way you talk, the way you work, or your point of view on certain matters. Eventually, it stops being on one or two things, but he starts criticizing everything you do, your appearance, the work you do, or even the way you have sex and so many aspects of your life.

At some point, you end up feeling like you can’t do anything right before your husband.

2. He Isolates You

A controlling person wants you all to themselves, therefore they will isolate you from every other person, including your friends and family. They try to control you by making sure you have no one else to run to, making you completely dependent on them.

Controlling husbands want to control their wives without anyone realizing it, such that to outsiders they’re the perfect supporting husbands.

3. He Uses What He’s Done For You Against You

A Controlling husband often does nice things for his wife, helping out with home chores, staying away from other things to be with you, getting your gifts for no reason, or simply going out of their way to help you with something.

While this seems like a nice romantic gesture, there are strings attached. After they’ve done something nice for you, you’ll have to be extra nice to them also as they expect.

This means you’ll have to do what they want and how they want it, giving them the control they desire. This is one way to learn how to deal with a controlling husband

4. He Makes You Feel Guilty

Anything you do that does not make your husband happy, a controlling husband makes you feel guilty for it. They do this in an attempt to manipulate you into doing what they want, the way they want it.

A good example is when they don’t like you meeting friends or family members, when you get back home, they make you feel guilty for not staying at home and spending the time with them.

If they do this everyone you meet friends and family, it gets to the point where spending the time with them instead of family friends seems easier. When this happens, they’ve successfully isolated you further.

5. He Wears You Down

The ultimate goal of a controlling husband is to make you completely dependent on them. And often they do this by trying to lower your self-esteem and confidence, such that you feel you need them.

A controlling husband wants to make sure they are the only ones in your life so they can control you. So they criticise you, threaten you, gaslight you, and isolate you from your friends and family.

All these aims at wearing you down to the extent you give in and do the way he wants. The earlier you learn this, the earlier you learn how to deal with a controlling husband.

How to Deal With a Controlling Husband

1. Reach Out to Other People

When you have reasons to believe your partner is attempting to control you, it is important that you reach out to the people around you. Your controlling husband will try to keep you away from your friends and family, but you must try to keep them close

It’s a good idea to open up to someone you trust about your situation when you feel comfortable doing so. They may be able to offer advice or a comfortable and safe space for you to express your feelings at this time.

Don’t let your spouse ruin the relationships you have with your family and friends.

2. Talk to Your Husband

A controlling might not listen to you or take your expression seriously, however it is important to tell him how he makes you feel, and maybe it will dawn on him that he is hurting you.

You need to let him understand that you are strong and still have self-esteem, and you can’t put up with his controlling behavior. Also, be sure to let him know that you want to help him and make the relationship work.

You could also suggest a couple’s therapy to get help from professionals. They’ll help identify possible areas your husband can improve.

3. Set Boundaries

It is important to set boundaries if your husband’s behavior has gotten better after seeing a therapist. This will help you establish to your husband what you’ll tolerate and what you’ll not in your marriage going forward. This would also help your husband understand when he is crossing the line in your marriage.

Try to reach a mutual agreement on how the marriage should be. Even when your husband isn’t cooperating, this will help you decide what you’ll and will not stand for, and identify when your husband is back to his controlling behavior.

4. Decide to Stay or Leave

If you should observe that your husband’s behavior isn’t getting better, and he’s not willing to seek help in improving his behavior, then you need to choose if you would remain in the marriage or not.

If you feel your husband is becoming increasingly controlling, it is better to leave the relationship.

Conclusion

A healthy relationship is that in which there is an equal balance of power. Being in one where power and control are held by one partner makes it difficult for the other partner to feel in control of their life. However, by knowing how to deal with a controlling husband through effective open communication and professional help, the victim can regain a sense of control over their lives.

If you find yourself in such a relationship, ask for help, don’t let your husband weigh you down. Know that you can get through this and always choose your well-being above any other thing.


FAQs

Can a controlling husband change?

Yes! Psychology tells us that every behaviour can be learned and unlearned. The same goes for controlling behaviour, with the help of a marriage and couple therapist, a controlling husband can unlearn his controlling behaviour and learn how to maintain an equal balance of power and control in his relationship.

How does a controlling husband affect me?

To gain absolute control, controlling husbands try to make you completely reliant on them for everything. They do this by isolating you from others, limiting you, and wearing down your self-esteem. This leads to self-doubt, low self-confidence, and helplessness which takes a toll on your mental health.

How do I communicate to my controlling husband?

It might be difficult to get a controlling husband to listen to your opinion. Nonetheless, expressing how they make you feel to them might let them know just how their behaviors hurt you as most controlling people do not know they are controlling.

You could also reach out to a professional to help your husband identify his controlling behavior and profer means to maintain a healthy relationship.

How do I set boundaries if he doesn’t listen to me?

Even when he doesn’t listen to your opinions, make your demands clear and explain the things you won’t take anymore. If he still ignores you, go ahead and set the boundaries and if he violates them, give him the consequence to let him know how serious you are about your boundaries.

When do I leave a controlling husband?

With the right professional intervention, the controlling behavior of a husband can be addressed. However, when the husband becomes increasingly controlling or emotionally abusive even after seeing a couple or marriage therapist, it is advised that you leave the relationship. Always put your well-being above any other thing.

Raising a Kid as a Single Parent in Northern Nigeria

Raising a Kid as a Single Parent in Northern Nigeria

by | Jun 21, 2021 | Uncategorized

Raising a child as a single parent is stressful. This stage comes with several unpredictable changes and takes your life off balance. You will have to make crucial decisions. Oftentimes, choosing the happiness of your child over yours. Recently, the percentage of single parents is rampant. This is as a result of a separation or divorce. Which leaves hurting scars on the child involved.

Therefore, as a single parent, you need to equip yourself with the right knowledge and skills to raise a decent child without burning out. Irrespective of your partner’s absence—although it hurts. 

How to Raise a Child as a Single Parent

1. Eliminate perfection

Expecting to be perfect at raising a child even as a single parent is the fastest route to stress. This mindset builds pressure on you and makes you liable to other forms of health challenges such as depression and high blood pressure (hypertension).

Therefore, give yourself some credit and take parenting one step at a time. In addition, don’t give in to self-guilt when you get into mistakes. Such as using violent methods to discipline your child, nagging, abandoning them to the care of someone else, or pampering them. Accept your mistakes and learn from them. 

2. As a Single Develop an Optimistic Attitude

As a parent, you are the first role model of your child. In other words, they are watching every step you take, this includes your attitude. Despite the awful situation surroundings you at the moment, you need to maintain an optimistic attitude. Your attitude influences that of your child.

Therefore, being negative when things go wrong will discourage your child from trusting you. Instead, cheer them up with positive words and an outlook.

3. Tell Your Child About the Separation or Divorce

Be open to tell your child about the absence of your partner. Keeping it a secret will tarnish the blossoming relationship with your child when they find out by themselves. Telling your child about the separation enables them to understand and cooperate with you better. However, don’t create a wrong impression about your partner before your kid, despite what they may have done.

This wrong impression may later result in resentment towards those of the same sex as your departed partners either male or female. 

4. Create a Light Schedule For Yourself

The day you become a single parent marks the dawn of an entirely new life for you. Therefore, things are not going to be the same. And you would need to adapt to the new change. Hence, you need to lighten up your schedule by erasing unnecessary activities. Any activities that add little or no value to your life are best avoided.

Whereas, there are other activities you need to engage in once a month or suspend until your kids are much older. 

5. Financial Stability is Needed 

A stable financial life will be required to keep the family together. This will require effective planning on how to utilize your monthly earnings towards the needful. The needful includes providing the necessities of life and health care facilities for yourself and your child. In addition, affording a standard school for your child and other miscellaneous.

Raising a child as a single parent requires discipline in terms of money management. This will enable you to meet up financial goals and invest your money wisely. Always have a plan B for the unexpected event and the future. Subsequently, as a single parent, don’t rely on one source of earning. Engage in various legit businesses and learn to cut your coat according to your size.

6. Spend Quality Time With Your Kids

Oftentimes, your child may begin to feel the absence of your departed partner and results in emotional disorder. However, to fill in that gap, you need to spend quality time with your child. And engage in the activities that make them happy. Although there may be times you need to stay out late to make extra money.

However, don’t make that your routine which can detach you from your kids. A close, healthy relationship with your kids helps you discover your child’s passion. Likewise, their weaknesses, to help them improve. Spending quality time is one of the activities that can increase the love bond with your kids. 

7. Create a Routine and Stick With it

A balanced routine helps create an order for your day-to-day activities and that of your child. This reduces stress and encourages independence in the life of your child. So, even while you’re away for some time, your child can coordinate him/her self.

There should be a set time to perform the important activities such as a set time for shopping, cooking, doing the home chores, and exercise.

8. Set Limit to Your Action

To control the urge of giving your child whatever they ask for, you will need to set limits and stick to them. Setting boundaries is one of the proper methods of disciplining your child. This helps instruct and guide them on the right code of conduct to put on. Set a limit to what they eat, how they associate with their peer’s and the time spent on the screen.

Instead, occupy them with activities that improve their emotional intelligence and academic performance. 

9. Create a Personal Time

Your health as a single parent influences the wellbeing of your child because if you get sick, there’s no other person to look after your child to your satisfaction. Therefore, don’t become a workaholic, which causes the body system to break down. Create time; a time for yourself away from distractions. A time to relax and meditate. Also, a time to engage in the activities you love and spend time with your friends.

These sets of activities boost your immune system, enabling you to think through your problems from an advantageous perspective. Furthermore, it enhances your mental, physical, social, and emotional health. 

10.  As a Single Parent Take Decision Making Serious 

A large percentage of single parents struggle to make crucial decisions about the well-being of their families. This is because they have become accustomed to sharing ideas with their partner before concluding what to do. Therefore, the departure of their partner leaves them confused. They begin to doubt if the choices they make are right.

On the contrary, as a single parent, you need firm courage in decision-making. Believe that your decision is for the betterment of everyone. Perhaps, you’re unsure about certain decisions, consult a family counsellor or a trusted friend or family member.

11. Share With Other Parents How You Feel

When it comes to healthy parenting, no one is a superhero at training kids. Similarly, every parent needs the advice of other parents to forge ahead when raising a child as a single parent. There will come a time in your life as a single parent where you’re overburdened and feel like giving in to your challenges. During this period, staying alone often leads to depression. Instead, learn to share your feelings with others who are willing to listen to you.  

Seeking the help of others doesn’t mean you’re weak or makes you an irresponsible parent, rather, it helps you ease the burden you feel. However, you should join a single parents club or group. This helps you get advice from other parents who can relate to what you are experiencing in raising a child as a single parent. 

12. Create a Relationship Between Your Child and the Opposite Sex

This kind of relationship depends on the gender of the partner that has departed, either male or female. There is always a need for a child to feel the love of both a mother and a father while growing up. Therefore, create a connection between your child and a trusted person. A person who truly shows and represents the love that your child needs to receive from a mother or a father. This could be a family friend or relatives or counsellor.

Conclusion

Raising a child as a single parent can be made much easier if you take parenting one step at a time. It isn’t compulsory to get it right at first. Gradually, with time, you will succeed at raising a child without the help of a partner.

Perhaps, you have a tight working schedule to meet up with the growing family needs, endeavour to get a babysitter to look after your kids while you’re away. Meanwhile, this practise shouldn’t be a routine. This often distances you from your child, which is one of the parenting mistakes you should avoid.

Finally, share your thoughts in the comment section below.