by Maryam Idris Bappa | Feb 10, 2022 | Opinion, History
What makes a man is The title of a song released by an Irish pop vocal group/boyband popularly known as “West Life” in the album “Coast to Coast”. Also, a question that ought to be no longer rhetorical in the mind of every single member of the Northern Nigeria society. Why? I will paint you a very short but interesting picture.
Imagine two Northern Nigeria stereotypes; Mr. A and Mr. B. Both above thirty. Mr. A is a forty-five-year-old accomplished civil servant; living a luxurious life in a well-furnished apartment but with no family of his own. Mr. B is a thirty-six-year-old moderately-to-do businessman; living a middle-class life with one wife or more and children.
Who is going to be labeled more “Man” in the Northern Nigeria society? Let us hold on to that thought for a while.
Notice closely, that three simple criteria including age, wealth, and responsibility/family were considered in the formation of these stereotypes. And although there could be more, these three for most readers of Northern Nigeria or anywhere, were more than ample to make an immediate mental judgment as to who is more man than the other. Perhaps, if there was more, then it was left to those lacking in any of the three fields to find stitches to patch up their masculine wears and tears.
A man is not who he thinks he is; he is what he hides.
Andre Malraux, Author of Man’s Fate
Meaning that the secrets we hide are what defines us. So could there be more to the question of ‘who is more man than who in the Northern Nigeria society’, rather than the simple societal stereotypes? Perhaps, we ought to open closets and ask about forgotten skeletons. Thus, we will start with the basic question of who a man is.
Who Is A Man?
A man as defined by dictionary sources is “An adult male person”; that is someone who biologically is of the male sex and passed the age of boyhood.
Societally, to be one’s own man is to be free and independent. Meanwhile, those traits, habits behaviors, or roles that society considers appropriate for a man are referred to as masculinity, manliness, or manhood.
Some even argue that just like wealth, race, or social class, masculinity has a social status and higher social status is achieved with higher masculinity. Therefore, having understood who a man is, the next step for us is to begin to ponder on our initial question; that is to find out “what makes a man”.
What Makes a Man?
Good question. An even more interesting one comes from the opinions of different individuals, in different societies, and with different cultural backgrounds and beliefs. Since there is no objective out-of-the-textbook explanation of what makes a man, it was left to assume a better way of understanding this question.
As such, conducting a survey of answers from Quora; an international Q & A online platform, where questions are asked and answered for the purpose of sharing and growing knowledge, answers to this particular question were found and a review of them gave me the following points of what makes a man:
- A boy becomes a man through the process of struggle.
- A man is someone charged with the responsibility of caring not only for himself but for others around him. He also doesn’t blame others for his mistakes but apologizes and corrects them.
- A man has a strong moral code by which he lives and is defined. He constantly recognizes his weakness and strives to be better.
- A man discovers his true inner self and doesn’t change his personality as change takes place in the outside world. In other words, he is not easily influenced.
- A man is conscious of himself and controls his instincts, urges, and emotions.
- A man is steadfast in his decisions. He knows when to be flexible and when to say no.
- A man is free to define himself.
The aforementioned points have tried to define what makes a man based on a general perception of people from different societies. A man’s Life experience, Responsibility, Moral code, Strength of character, Self-awareness, Steadfastness, and Choice are what I found to be the most popular opinions.
However, how can I use these points to discover which is most relevant in our Northern Nigeria society?
What Makes a Man in Northern Nigeria Society?
You will recall the image we digested earlier of two Northern Nigeria stereotypes using age, wealth, and responsibility to decide who was more man than whom. Recall how ‘you’ were also accused of making an on-spot decision. From there, we went on to explain the concept of who a man was and what was his masculinity. Our goal now is to decide what makes a man in Northern Nigerian society.
Traits, habits, behaviors, or roles that society considers to be appropriate for a man have been found to be considered his masculinity/manhood. Seven areas including; his Life experience, Responsibilities, Moral code, Strength of character, Self-awareness, Steadfastness, and Choice were considered generally to be vital.
Therefore, comparing the criteria used earlier in stereotyping the Northern Nigerian man to these seven points leads us closer to finding out what makes a man in Northern Nigerian society. The confluence point was found at the responsibility valley. Clearly, age and wealth when compared to responsibility, could not have been the major catalysts that influenced your hastened decision of who or what a man is. Rather the roles/responsibility attached to a man is what drives Northern Nigeria society to assess his masculinity.
These roles/responsibilities of a man in Northern Nigeria society will be the master key that will unlock the closet door and allow us a peek at its skeletons if any.
What Is The Role of a Man in Northern Nigerian Society?
This takes origin from the concept of “Gender role”; which is a set of behaviors and attitudes considered desirable or appropriate based on that person’s gender.
The term role could be defined as a duty that someone or something is expected to have. At the same time, it is the way someone or something is involved in an activity. Going for a more elaborate definition, a role is a socially-expected behavioral pattern usually determined by an individual’s status in a particular society. Similarly, it is a set of connected behaviors, rights, obligations, beliefs, and norms as conceptualized by a society.
All these combine to interrogate the role of a man in Northern Nigeria society as follows:
What are the rights duties and obligations of a Northern Nigerian man?
How is the Northern Nigeria man involved in activities of Northern Nigeria society?
Roles carried out by Northern Nigerian men are undeniably vast but nonetheless, they can be classified based on their positions/status or their general functions. The positional roles of a Northern Nigerian man can be dynamic, that is, they can evolve or be interchangeable based on his current position in the family and society. The Northern Nigeria man therefore can discharge his roles based on his position as follows:
- As a father
- As a husband
- As a son
- As a brother
- As an uncle
- As a neighbor
Whatever position a man may occupy in the family or society, there are certain roles he is bound to come across. These roles unlike his positions are not dynamic. Careful analysis of both leads us to categorize the roles of a Northern Nigeria man in society in four unique ways namely:
- Domestic roles
- Religious roles
- Socio-cultural roles
- National roles.
These will be carefully elaborated and looked at.
Domestic Roles of A Man
Domestic roles are duties and obligations assigned to members of a household to ensure efficient meeting of its basic needs. Either as a son, husband, or father, men in Northern Nigeria society are expected to carry out assigned responsibilities in the family.
These mostly include:
1. Household Labour (Chores)
Due to the physical strength of men, a man is expected to do hard and labor-intensive activities in the household. For example, he will wash the car, do the gardening, and perform animal slaughter.
2. Technical Work
A man is expected to learn simple household technical work in order to take care of problems that may arise without employing the services of a technician. He may take care of:
- Electrical tasks like changing sockets, bulbs, turning on or servicing generator, and simple vehicle checks.
- Plumbing tasks in the kitchen and in the bathroom.
3. HouseHold Representation/Leadership
A man in the Northern Nigeria society serves as the link between the women of the house and the outside world. Religion and culture do not encourage Northern Nigerian women to have unlimited freedom with no control. Therefore, a man in the household is faced with certain responsibilities like:
Being a natural leader to women below and above him. He may do so by providing them with emotional strength and guidance.
Going on errands outside the home as much as he can, especially at night and also, sometimes accompanied the women of the house.
Answering the door and ushering male guests.
4. Discipline and Security
A man is expected at all times to ensure peace and orderliness within his household and arrest conflict when it arises. He is also charged with the responsibility of keeping members of the household safe from internal and external harm. Therefore, he is:
Active alert and checks all locks and appliances for safety before retiring to bed at night.
Passive alert at all times and watches out for suspicious sounds and movement within and around the boundary of his home.
5. Financial responsibility
A husband, father, and sometimes even son are responsible for the financial well-being of every member of the household. Not only that, he is at other times, expected to contribute to the financial well-being of other members of the extended family. As such, he must work hard and earn a living in order to:
Provide good food, clothing, shelter, and education to those he is responsible for.
Give allowances where expected.
Regularly, chips in and contributes to the well-being of his extended family.
Religious Roles of Man
The predominant religion in Northern Nigeria, Northern Nigeria is Islam. This has provided the Northern Nigerian society with certain beliefs, behaviours, and obligations to follow. In addition to the completion of personal obligation to God, he is also tasked by religion with several roles.
Some of these roles that religion has mandated for the Northern Nigeria man include:
1. Religious Leadership Roles
A well-learned and societally accepted man with good moral and social conduct is charged with leadership roles like:
- He leads prayers as the Imam in mosques and leads prayers for the deceased.
- He assumes political roles in society.
- Also, he as a man can become a scholar who delivers preaching like “Tafseer” in religious gatherings
- A man is charged with carrying on the name of his father and passing it down to his own children.
2. Religious Rites Roles
Execution of certain religious rites has been assigned solely to men by religion. These rites are prohibited for a woman to perform. They include:
- Acting as “Waliyyi” and “Wakili” in marriage.
- Taking part in prayers of the deceased and escorting the dead to the grave.
- Giving out “Zakkatul fitr” (alms) on behalf of his family
- He is the one to seek permission from a woman’s father to court her when looking for marriage. He also pays a token for the woman before he can take her as his wife. This token is referred to as “Sadaki” or bride price.
3. Matrimonial Roles
The roles of a man in marriage have been clearly outlined by religion in Northern Nigerian society. These include:
- Financial responsibility: He becomes financially responsible for his wife’s food, shelter, clothing, education, and discipline according to the teachings of Islam.
- Emotional responsibility: He protects and safeguards his wife’s emotional state of mind.
- Moral & Spiritual responsibility: He guides and educates his wife on her moral and spiritual conduct. For example, he should constantly monitor/permit her interactions with people outside her home or make sure she discharges her prayers on time.
4. Moral Role
Personal code of conduct of behaviours and interactions with people have been clearly outlined by religion for the man to follow. He is expected to:
- Offer a handshake in greeting and say the “Salam” when passing a fellow Muslim or group of Muslims.
- He is expected to imitate qualities like honesty, patience, and humility among others.
- He is expected to obey and honor his parents and especially his mother as she is the key to his paradise.
Socio-Cultural Roles
These are roles spelled out by the society based on their culture and tradition. They are socially accepted beliefs, norms, and behaviours allowed of a Northern Nigerian man. In addition, they are rules handed down from generation to generation which may or may not be dynamic. They include the following;
1. Occupational Roles
Certain occupations in Northern Nigeria society until today are believed to be suitable for men and unheard of for women. Even though the Northern Nigerian man has a white-collar job, he is encouraged by society to be involved in technical/manual jobs or trading.
Examples of such occupations Northern Nigeria society has outlined for men include; wanzam, carpentry, building, animal rearing, etc.
2. Courtship Roles
Before a man in Northern Nigeria society marries, he undergoes a period of courtship in which after taking permission from the lady’s father, they get to know each other before marriage. Society has socially constructed roles the Northern Nigerian man must play in this period. They are as follows:
- He initiates the courtship process.
- He offers gifts occasionally to the lady whom he wants to marry.
- Before he marries her, he is expected to complete the cultural rites of marriage like gifting her clothes or otherwise “Lefe” and other necessary cultural rites.
National Roles
Northern Nigerian people are naturally proud of genetic traits handed to them like wisdom in speech, strong moral/social code, and ambition.
Wherever a Northern Nigeria man is, it is his responsibility to:
1. Political Role
- Use his natural skills and talents to govern the nation politically.
- Become a recognized trade or craftsman.
2. Citizenship Role
- Be a law-abiding member of the nation and dispatch his duties accordingly
- Abstain from criminal, social or moral misconduct that will bring him and other people shame.
- Be a man the nation is proud of.
Conclusion
From the above, it is clear that men in Northern Nigeria society have clearly spelled roles.
by Aisha | Jan 26, 2022 | Health & Wellness
Suicide is the intentional killing of oneself. In Nigeria, the suicide rates are about 17.3 per 100,000 people. This might seem like a small number until we consider that it is not just a number but people with lives, futures, and families. This number is distributed throughout all the states in Nigeria. Even in Northern Nigeria where it is taboo to commit suicide, it is still rampant. It leads one to wonder what exactly would cause a person to take their own life. The reasons vary from person to person but some of them are:
Reasons for Increase in Suicidal Rate in Northern Nigeria
1. Grief
After the death of a family member, living may become difficult. Death may lead to sadness, depression, etc. all of which could make a person choose “the easy way out” and give up on life itself. This is surely one of the reasons why suicide in Northern Nigeria is on the rise.
2. Financial Problems
It is no news that the standard of living in Nigeria is low. A lot of families struggle to put food on the table even once a day. In Northern Nigeria especially, where the men are the head of large families and the women do not work, it is even harder to feed. If a man loses his job in this situation, needless to say, his frustration will know no bounds. He is likely to end it all as the responsibility may be too much for him. His death could lead to the deaths of other members of his family as they are left destitute.
3. Rejection
This is common amongst teenagers. Although liking someone is not a crime and is a natural phenomenon, some individuals take it as far as to put their lives in another person’s hands. When this other person then rejects their affection, they are left sad and unable to function and might think the next best thing is to kill themselves.
4. Unemployment
This is another big problem in Nigeria and a cause of suicide in Northern Nigeria. The country is not stable enough to provide jobs for everybody yet our educational systems are such that we are not taught to be entrepreneurs. This leads people to look for jobs that are not available and the frustration may lead to suicide. In Northern Nigeria, there is also the problem of under qualification. Sometimes, there are jobs available but the people who apply for them are not qualified enough.
This is especially true in the north due to the fact that they do not generally value western education like most other regions. This inability to secure a job is detrimental to the mental health of the job seeker.
5. Abuse
There are several types of abuse and abuse has been seen to be a leading cause of suicide:
a. Sexual Abuse
When a person is raped, especially in the north, they tend to keep quiet about it. This is usually because when they do speak up, they are blamed for the abuse, and then their image is ruined and they can no longer walk confidently among the crowd. When a person is abused and they keep quiet about it, they die slowly inside until they can no longer go on. And when they talk about it, they are ridiculed so much that their only options seem to be either to relocate or to commit suicide.
b. Domestic Abuse
In Northern Nigeria, there are many cases of domestic abuse, reported and not reported. Domestic abuse can be about a person beating their significant other. Men are usually reported to have beaten their wives or maltreated them in one way or another. As a woman in Northern Nigeria, it is seen as a shame to report your husband or even be divorced. This leads women to stay in a depressing marriage and could eventually cost them their lives.
Read: Divorced Women in Arewa Are Really Suffering, And We Can Do Something About it
c. Emotional Abuse
Words have the potential for great good as well as a great evil. In Nigeria as a whole, people are fond of insulting each other as a joke and putting down another person’s self-esteem. It might be funny for a while, but some people may be emotionally fragile and after getting so many harsh words, they deem themselves unworthy and try to end their own life.
d. Child Abuse
Giving a child out as a maid, beating a child mercilessly, starving them, forcing them to beg, not giving them an education, etc. are all a part of child abuse. Children should be nurtured with care so their self-esteem does not dip. A child with low esteem is bound to want to kill himself. A child who sees his mate going to school while he is stuck begging will feel unworthy and sad.
Furthermore, children (both male and female) who are forced into early marriages without even knowing what it entails could end up very sad and want to end it. We should take care to not abuse our children and keep their futures safe. Else, suicide might start to look like heaven to them.
6. Health Issues
In addition, another cause of suicide in Northern Nigeria is the health status of victims. Some people who have health complications choose to kill themselves either because they do not have the financial capacity to handle the disease and do not want to bother their families, or that the disease could ultimately lead to death anyway. They choose to do what they believe is best and commit suicide. Due to this, health practitioners often advise people with severe health conditions to see psychologists. But as we all know, this is Nigeria.
There are several other factors that could cause a person to want to commit suicide. They include bullying and discrimination, cultural/religious pressure, etc. But with every problem, comes solutions. The weight of reducing the load on suicidal persons rests on the shoulders of individuals, the community, and the government. How?
How Suicidal Rates Can Be Reduced in Northern Nigeria
1. What Individuals Could Do
People should try to be more tolerant of others. We should all remember that every person in this world has their own struggles and as such, we should be kinder. I was once asked in a Buzzfeed quiz about what attribute would make the world a better place. The options were; Discipline, Self-Love, Independence, and Kindness. While all of these are good, in the wise words of Jackie Chan, sometimes it only takes one act of kindness and caring to change a person’s life.
We should also try to take note of the people around us. That lady upstairs who always gave you salt when you ran out, ask about how she’s doing you might be surprised about the pain she’s in despite her smile. That man who always greets you on his way to work but suddenly stops and just walks around with a long face, have a chat with him. It might save his life. These simple acts can lead a person from intentionally walking the plank.
2. How Society Can Help
Society in general also has a role to play in the fight against suicide. As mentioned above bullying and discrimination is one of the major causes of suicide. Let’s take the instance of 26-year-old Geraldine whose story was narrated to me by a friend of mine. Geraldine was a hairdresser at a famous salon. She was strong, happy, independent, and kind and had many friends. One day, people realized she started to grow thin and began to wonder. One thing led to another and it was discovered that she had been living with HIV for a while. She had run out of money so could not feed herself properly which caused people to notice it.
Society had two options here. One, be sorry for not noticing the pain she had been going through and try to see how to help her. Second, ignore and stigmatize her due to her illness. In the society we live in today, the second option prevailed and she was fired. She had no friends and no source of income. Due to this, her frustration grew and she tried to commit suicide. Although she was saved, her life can never be the same again.
Let us imagine a scenario where the second option was chosen. Geraldine would have been saved, she would still have her friends and the world would still have a bright young woman. The impact of societal care on suicide prevention cannot be over-emphasized.
3. What Role the Government Can Play
Although the government tries, there is still a lot it can do. For instance, set up more emergency helplines for suicide attempters, set up free (and effective) counselling sessions, organise rallies and orientation programmes to educate people on the dangers of suicide, etc. In Nigeria, there is a law that says an attempt of suicide is liable to a year of imprisonment. I find this ridiculous. Instead, mental health organizations should be set up for them so as to revive their will.
The government definitely has a huge role to play in reducing suicide in Northern Nigeria.
4. How Non-Governmental Organizations Can Help
There are other people that help in the fight against this social vice. These people have come together to create NGOs that help with suicide prevention. The government has also set up certain helplines to combat the situation. A lot of helplines for different suicidal scenarios and other emergencies can be found at www.opencounsseling.com and www.aasra.info. If you or anyone around you needs help, please click any of the links above.
Do NOT suffer in silence. Anyone considering suicide should remember “You matter. What you do matters. Who you are matters” and click on the link and give it another shot.
Conclusion
The above-mentioned are reasons why the suicide rate is increasing in Northern Nigeria and what role individuals, government, the society and non-governmental organizations have to play in curbing it. Remember, suicide is a blot on our society and it is our responsibility to clean it. Out of the over 700,000 people that die if we all save one, I dare say that number can be cut down significantly.
If you have further questions, let’s hear them in the comments and I would love to get your opinion on the above Buzzfeed question.
by Maryam Idris Bappa | Nov 14, 2021 | Relationships & Weddings
‘Bazawara’, a term in the Hausa language used to represent a woman who has married before and is no longer with her husband, as a result of death or divorce. Yet, it is a word carrying so much identity and stigma. It could almost be seen drawn on the faces of ‘Zaurawa’. Even worse, in Northern Nigeria, the way divorce is ultimately pinned to be the fault of women, while the men are given a thousand excuses, is simply unfair.
Divorce in Nigeria
In Nigeria, according to the National Bureau of statistics, very few percentages of married men and women get divorced legally, excluding traditional marriages which are more popular. These divorces are triggered by early marriages, sexual-related issues, change in lifestyles, fantastical ideology of women about marriage, career, and also married couples living apart for more than 2 years.
Still, reasons and requests for divorce could result from either man or woman, sometimes over a ridiculous issue. In one instance, a woman asked her husband for divorce because he mistook the toilet for her cooking pot. In another instance, a man divorced his wife because he felt deceived over her beauty.
These and more have led to more than sufficient reasons to get divorced in Nigeria.
Divorce in Northern Nigeria
In Northern Nigeria, divorce trends in places like Kano, Katsina, Zaria, and Bauchi, with reasons originating from toxic masculinity, early marriages due to parents’ financial incapabilities, lack of counselling, lack of psychological preparations, and the build-up of a false psychological state of negative expectations.
Right from when a woman is to be married, the phrase “Ayi hakuri” meaning marriage is all about patience is chanted to the woman until the day she dies. This makes her go into marriage with the worst possible painted scenarios in her head, also trapping her in a long unhappy marriage of physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse.
She feels it is her responsibility to have patience and keep the marriage going until when she is not able to. Then, the fault is pinned on her and the man is acquitted.
Addressing The Stigma towards Divorced Women
Whatever be the reason for divorce, women are always at the negative stigmatic receiving end of it, with their children caught at traumatizing middles. Anger, depression, hopelessness, and poverty are some of the few impacts divorces has on women.
As a result, more and more women end up in drugs, violence, feminism, kidnapping, and human trafficking. The men, on the other hand, go on with their lives marrying as many more wives as fit for their practice.
However, it is time we stop pointing societally manicured fingers and accept that what has happened cannot be reversed. Therefore, instead of blaming each other for the past, let us allow women divorcees to breathe and live life without dooming tattoos.
Below are ways we can make life less difficult for divorced women and help them get through their struggles.
10 Ways to Make the Life of a Divorced Woman Less Difficult
1. Give Women Freedom to Make a Choice
When people divorce, it can be such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together, it can even be worse.
Monica Belluci
The first step to helping divorced women is by NOT making them stay in unhappy marriages. Parents especially fathers, giving out their daughters in marriage should know that by giving their daughters a chance to make a healthy exit out of a toxic marriage, they are saving them a lot of physical and emotional damages in the marriage and afterwards.
Rather than a warning and threatening their daughters that under no circumstances should they leave their husband’s house, with strict penalties outlined in place for them, they should advise them accordingly and trust them to make the right decisions.
Many women have gone into and stayed through disastrous marriages with fear of their parents that when the marriage eventually ends, they are left already physically and emotionally drained beyond help.
2. Know That It Could Be You
This goes to people especially women that look down on other women that are divorced. Show some empathy! Yes. There is nothing special about you that puts you above divorced women. Nothing that guarantees that you, your friend, or your family will not fall into the same situation.
As bitter as it may sound, you need to open your eyes, read some books, then get off your high horse and show these women some understanding. Or at least, don’t try to judge them based on your pure ignorance.
3. Don’t Punish Them At Home
Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping it will transform into a door.
Coco Chanel
The idea that a divorced woman should become a glorified maid of the house upon her return from her husband’s house needs to stop right this moment!
Don’t punish and frustrate divorced women at their parents’ or guardians’ homes into regret or returning to their husbands’ homes’, this ill tradition promoted by poverty and ignorance has successfully been transferred from generation to generation. Surely, it may have been seen to work and set women straight in some instances, but a piece of advice,
You never know what these frustrated women might return and end up doing. Instead, show empathy and give these women the emotional support they need. That way, they can think straight and begin to focus on the next step of action.
Also, it will enable both the husband and other members of the society to see them with respect and treat them as the humans that they are.
4. Accept Them Back in the Society
The northern society becomes like thorns on a chair for divorced women to sit on after a long day’s work. Everywhere they go, lips murmur and fingers point at them. At weddings and gatherings, especially of women, the divorcees can be seen grouping themselves into a subconscious mental club where they feel less rejected.
Women openly gossip about whose marriage just ended and whose is about to. In short, the public becomes an unfavourable atmosphere for divorced women and those who care about them.
These displays of ignorance happen as a result of a lack of knowledge and empathy by society, forcing divorced women who cannot withstand the pressure to fall back into depression and self-hatred.
5. Offer Them Professional Counselling
Take a step back, reflect and look at the bigger picture. As divorce experiences differ in different marriages, most times, when women come out of a marriage, they are in need of intense counselling in order to make peace with their past and move on.
It may also help them rebuild themselves for their next marriages. So instead of jumping from one marriage to the other, know that as a divorced woman,
Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.
Toni Morrison
Understanding why certain things happened in your marriage and why you and your partner felt the way you felt and reacted the way you reacted will enable you to understand yourselves and make a closure. It will also free you from self-blame and enable you to take the next step of action.
Although such programs are not popular in Northern Nigeria, famed online ‘Divorce Diaries’ have gone a long way in giving structure and support groups to divorced women in Northern Nigeria.
6. Empower Them Financially
Divorced women should be equipped with skills such that they can earn enough to feed, clothe, and school their children. Many women prefer to stay in draining marriages solely because they have no way of taking care of the financial needs of themselves and their children if they choose to leave.
Caught in a dilemma to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea, those who choose divorce are immediately abandoned by the husband, who is already busy with his other wives or looking for ways of replacing the woman with another.
As such, divorced women can be seen doing menial jobs like housekeeping, hawking, and others to cater for themselves and their children’s wellbeing. But that alone will not suffice as the wages they receive cannot go past feeding and clothing. Therefore, organizations should provide jobs or empowerment for divorced women.
7. Don’t Make Them Feel Inferior to Other Women
A woman should not be disqualified for her next marriage simply because she has been married before and gotten divorced.
I am talking particularly to women who feel divorced women are at the bottom of the compatibility chain of marriages. The sad truth is that this is common among mothers. A northern Nigerian mother will hardly allow her unmarried son to marry a lady who was divorced before. On the other hand, people hardly care whether a man is a divorcee when he is in search of marriage.
Why all these stigmas and preferential treatment? If a divorced woman is considered a bad person and not marriageable to a bachelor, then it is only fair that the same should apply for a divorced man searching for a spinster’s hand in marriage.
Rather than make divorced women feel inferior to spinsters because of their previous marital status, judge them for who they are fairly and give equal chances to both parties.
8. Celebrate Their Remarriages With Enthusiasm (Grand Remarriages)
There is nothing wrong with gathering a merry crowd to celebrate a divorced woman’s remarriage like it was done the first time she got married. However, this is not so, the remarriages are done so low key that one will begin to wonder if it is a thief being smuggled out of the house, or even a funeral.
For most women, they are quite content with that; the low bride price, the few ‘Kayan daki’, the small or no gathering, the absence of ‘Lefe’, and many others. The women are most of the time just grateful to be remarried and lack all manner of enthusiasm.
But there is nothing wrong with sharing in the celebration of a divorced woman’s remarriage to show them that they are loved. Attend such remarriages, give them gifts, grant them good wishes, and make them enter with a positive mindset.
9. Support Their Children
No woman should be forced to live apart from her children if it can be helped. This goes mainly to the new husband. When you marry a divorced woman who already has children, try as much as you can to support her children.
Mother and child separation has happened many times because the new husband refuses to take in her children as his. Hence, she has no choice but to leave her children with relatives or with the family of her old husband where they might end up getting maltreated. In other times, divorced women often simply refuse to remarry for fear of child separation.
In another context, husbands who divorce their wives should try their possible best to cater for her and her children and not abandon them. This will keep the mother of your children and also your children off the streets and away from suffering.
10. Don’t Rub It on Their Faces
Marry her, show her life can be different and don’t rub it on her face! If as a new husband, you cannot cater for the emotional needs of your previously divorced new wife, then don’t marry her!
Too many men have married divorced women only to rub salts on their wounds. They constantly use her previous marital status to rain insults and abuses on her and her children as they like. Desperate to not go into divorce number two, these women are forced to live with monsters as husbands.
Do yourself the honour of not disgracing your manhood and leave these women alone. They are doing very fine and do not need someone like you to marry them and practice your childishness on their misfortune.
Conclusion
We have looked at ten ways in which we as a community of people with humanity can make life easier for divorced women. However, as a saying goes;
Be the heroine of your life, not the victim.
Nora Ephron
To the divorced women out there, divorce is a chance for self-reflection and growth. It is not for the public to decide where you are spiritually or morally but for yourself to decide where you are and what to do with your life. That way, you can turn a blind eye to the negativity of people.
To the remaining people out there, know that divorce is like a road accident waiting to happen to anybody at any time. Some are more severe than others. Some people will escape with barely a scratch while others will become temporarily or permanently disabled or even lose their lives. The fact that it skips you doesn’t make you a better driver or pedestrian than others. Some people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
When bringing out an accident victim, we do it cautiously not knowing which part of the victim is hurt internally. Likewise, we also need to tread cautiously with divorced people, for we don’t know which bone in their body is about to break!
