by Musa Bala | Mar 27, 2022 | Family & Parenting
Sexual abuse victims often experience a range of reactions and emotions from pain, anger, hate, helplessness, and other challenges that negatively affect their mental health. As different victims feel differently about their experiences, it can be difficult to know what to do or say to help sexual abuse victims.
When your loved one or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, the best thing you can do is to make yourself available. It’s also important to actively listen if they decide to share their experiences with you. Listen non-judgementally and remind them that they are not to be blamed for what happened and that they didn’t deserve what they experienced. This is important because most victims of sexual assault tend to blame themselves for what they experienced.
It is also important for you to sympathise with their situation, try to acknowledge how the abuse has affected their lives, and reassure them that they are not alone and you’ll be there for them if they need your support.
Sexual abuse victims often develop certain behavioural changes in response to the extremely life-threatening experience they had. To help sexual abuse victims, knowing these changes are important. Some of these changes could be some or all of the following:
- Paranoia
- Self-blaming and feelings of worthlessness
- Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
- Changes in sleep patterns (either too much or not enough)
- Difficulty concentrating
- Withdrawal from family and friends
- Nightmares and flashbacks
- Changes in appetite and weight
- Depression
- General mistrust in people
- Suicidal thoughts
- Anxiety
These changes in behavior are not specific to sexual abuse, anyone going through a major mental challenge could exhibit these symptoms. However, they could serve as indicators that your loved ones and friends are struggling to cope with trauma which could be sexual abuse.
As a close person to a family member or friend, you could be a judge of their behavior and can easily tell when they are acting in a typical manner for no apparent reason. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions directly about your observations, your actions could be the starting point to their recovery as it often leads to getting help for sexual abuse victims.
How to Assist Sexual Abuse Victims
As explained earlier, sexual abuse develops emotions and reactions that negatively affect the mental and sometimes physical wellbeing of the victim. If you are not a victim yourself you may not be able to fully understand what they are going through, leaving you confused about how to best support them. Here is what you need to do to help sexual abuse victims.
1. Pay Attention to Them (if they wish to speak)
One of the most important things you could do for a sexual abuse victim is to be available for them, listen to them if they decide to talk about what happened. Don’t try to force or pressure them into sharing their experience, allow them to do that on their own will. They may want to express frustration, anger, or sadness about what happened, listen to them non-judgementally, and support them.
Having someone to talk to and count on is a good means for a sexual abuse victim to express their emotions about their experience and possibly seek further help.
2. Maintain Your Composure
Once you’ve learned that your friend or loved one was sexually abused, it is common for you to feel anger or shock by what they’ve been through. However, expressing anger or shock might make the victim even more confused or more pain.
Also, avoid making threats against the perpetrator. You might think doing that is being supportive, but that could make the experience even more stressful for the victim.
3. Maintain Confidentiality
It is important for you to understand this experience isn’t yours or about you, and as such not your story to tell. Let the victim decide who to share their story of sexual abuse with.
Don’t share your loved one or friend’s experience without their permission. Most sexual abuse victims develop feelings of embarrassment and shame. Sharing their experience with others without their permission would only deepen the wound.
4. Establish Boundaries
Being a good listener and supportive goes a long way in providing help to sexual abuse victims. However, make sure not to do that at the expense of your own health and responsibilities. Set a time and condition that works for both of you. Don’t let your loved one or friend’s experience consume you as it will not be helpful to either of you.
Know that for you to be supportive, you have to be healthy first.
5. Educate Yourself
The most important way to be of help to sexual abuse victims is to educate yourself about their experience. While you can’t fully understand what they’re going through, except if you were a victim yourself, try to research available resources on how sexual abuse victims feel and how you can support them.
Getting yourself educated, would dispel any misconceptions you might have about sexual abuse and give you a foresight about what the victim’s recovery looks like.
6. Pay Attention to the Victims
As earlier stated, sexual abuse victims feel a range of emotions and this can be different in victims, including the way they react. It helps a lot if you watch out for odd behaviors that may suggest they are going through crises, this could be excessive crying, nightmares or flashbacks, or talking about dying.
If you should observe any of these, encourage them to reach out to a mental health professional.
7. Extend Invitation
Sexual abuse victims tend to withdraw and isolate themselves. Don’t be surprised when they refuse to join you in an activity, but that doesn’t mean that you should give up on them. Continue to invite them to things even if they decline, they’ll still appreciate the invite.
This reassures them that they are loved and valued especially at times such as this which they feel alone.
8. Encourage Therapy
The journey to recovery from sexual abuse is a difficult one and this is different for different victims. However, with therapy, this difficulty can be effectively addressed.
Encourage the victim to consider therapy but do not insist. Therapy can only help a sexual abuse victim when the victim is willing to work towards healing.
Conclusion
It is not easy or a one-time process to help sexual abuse victims. The healing process is a long one and you have to remind them that you are still available if they need you, this is so you allow them to make the decision themselves. This gives them a sense of control in their lives after experiencing a situation they have no control over.
Remember you can only provide support to the victim through the healing process but you can’t heal them yourself.
by Maryam Idris Bappa | Nov 14, 2021 | Relationships & Weddings
‘Bazawara’, a term in the Hausa language used to represent a woman who has married before and is no longer with her husband, as a result of death or divorce. Yet, it is a word carrying so much identity and stigma. It could almost be seen drawn on the faces of ‘Zaurawa’. Even worse, in Northern Nigeria, the way divorce is ultimately pinned to be the fault of women, while the men are given a thousand excuses, is simply unfair.
Divorce in Nigeria
In Nigeria, according to the National Bureau of statistics, very few percentages of married men and women get divorced legally, excluding traditional marriages which are more popular. These divorces are triggered by early marriages, sexual-related issues, change in lifestyles, fantastical ideology of women about marriage, career, and also married couples living apart for more than 2 years.
Still, reasons and requests for divorce could result from either man or woman, sometimes over a ridiculous issue. In one instance, a woman asked her husband for divorce because he mistook the toilet for her cooking pot. In another instance, a man divorced his wife because he felt deceived over her beauty.
These and more have led to more than sufficient reasons to get divorced in Nigeria.
Divorce in Northern Nigeria
In Northern Nigeria, divorce trends in places like Kano, Katsina, Zaria, and Bauchi, with reasons originating from toxic masculinity, early marriages due to parents’ financial incapabilities, lack of counselling, lack of psychological preparations, and the build-up of a false psychological state of negative expectations.
Right from when a woman is to be married, the phrase “Ayi hakuri” meaning marriage is all about patience is chanted to the woman until the day she dies. This makes her go into marriage with the worst possible painted scenarios in her head, also trapping her in a long unhappy marriage of physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse.
She feels it is her responsibility to have patience and keep the marriage going until when she is not able to. Then, the fault is pinned on her and the man is acquitted.
Addressing The Stigma towards Divorced Women
Whatever be the reason for divorce, women are always at the negative stigmatic receiving end of it, with their children caught at traumatizing middles. Anger, depression, hopelessness, and poverty are some of the few impacts divorces has on women.
As a result, more and more women end up in drugs, violence, feminism, kidnapping, and human trafficking. The men, on the other hand, go on with their lives marrying as many more wives as fit for their practice.
However, it is time we stop pointing societally manicured fingers and accept that what has happened cannot be reversed. Therefore, instead of blaming each other for the past, let us allow women divorcees to breathe and live life without dooming tattoos.
Below are ways we can make life less difficult for divorced women and help them get through their struggles.
10 Ways to Make the Life of a Divorced Woman Less Difficult
1. Give Women Freedom to Make a Choice
When people divorce, it can be such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together, it can even be worse.
Monica Belluci
The first step to helping divorced women is by NOT making them stay in unhappy marriages. Parents especially fathers, giving out their daughters in marriage should know that by giving their daughters a chance to make a healthy exit out of a toxic marriage, they are saving them a lot of physical and emotional damages in the marriage and afterwards.
Rather than a warning and threatening their daughters that under no circumstances should they leave their husband’s house, with strict penalties outlined in place for them, they should advise them accordingly and trust them to make the right decisions.
Many women have gone into and stayed through disastrous marriages with fear of their parents that when the marriage eventually ends, they are left already physically and emotionally drained beyond help.
2. Know That It Could Be You
This goes to people especially women that look down on other women that are divorced. Show some empathy! Yes. There is nothing special about you that puts you above divorced women. Nothing that guarantees that you, your friend, or your family will not fall into the same situation.
As bitter as it may sound, you need to open your eyes, read some books, then get off your high horse and show these women some understanding. Or at least, don’t try to judge them based on your pure ignorance.
3. Don’t Punish Them At Home
Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping it will transform into a door.
Coco Chanel
The idea that a divorced woman should become a glorified maid of the house upon her return from her husband’s house needs to stop right this moment!
Don’t punish and frustrate divorced women at their parents’ or guardians’ homes into regret or returning to their husbands’ homes’, this ill tradition promoted by poverty and ignorance has successfully been transferred from generation to generation. Surely, it may have been seen to work and set women straight in some instances, but a piece of advice,
You never know what these frustrated women might return and end up doing. Instead, show empathy and give these women the emotional support they need. That way, they can think straight and begin to focus on the next step of action.
Also, it will enable both the husband and other members of the society to see them with respect and treat them as the humans that they are.
4. Accept Them Back in the Society
The northern society becomes like thorns on a chair for divorced women to sit on after a long day’s work. Everywhere they go, lips murmur and fingers point at them. At weddings and gatherings, especially of women, the divorcees can be seen grouping themselves into a subconscious mental club where they feel less rejected.
Women openly gossip about whose marriage just ended and whose is about to. In short, the public becomes an unfavourable atmosphere for divorced women and those who care about them.
These displays of ignorance happen as a result of a lack of knowledge and empathy by society, forcing divorced women who cannot withstand the pressure to fall back into depression and self-hatred.
5. Offer Them Professional Counselling
Take a step back, reflect and look at the bigger picture. As divorce experiences differ in different marriages, most times, when women come out of a marriage, they are in need of intense counselling in order to make peace with their past and move on.
It may also help them rebuild themselves for their next marriages. So instead of jumping from one marriage to the other, know that as a divorced woman,
Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.
Toni Morrison
Understanding why certain things happened in your marriage and why you and your partner felt the way you felt and reacted the way you reacted will enable you to understand yourselves and make a closure. It will also free you from self-blame and enable you to take the next step of action.
Although such programs are not popular in Northern Nigeria, famed online ‘Divorce Diaries’ have gone a long way in giving structure and support groups to divorced women in Northern Nigeria.
6. Empower Them Financially
Divorced women should be equipped with skills such that they can earn enough to feed, clothe, and school their children. Many women prefer to stay in draining marriages solely because they have no way of taking care of the financial needs of themselves and their children if they choose to leave.
Caught in a dilemma to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea, those who choose divorce are immediately abandoned by the husband, who is already busy with his other wives or looking for ways of replacing the woman with another.
As such, divorced women can be seen doing menial jobs like housekeeping, hawking, and others to cater for themselves and their children’s wellbeing. But that alone will not suffice as the wages they receive cannot go past feeding and clothing. Therefore, organizations should provide jobs or empowerment for divorced women.
7. Don’t Make Them Feel Inferior to Other Women
A woman should not be disqualified for her next marriage simply because she has been married before and gotten divorced.
I am talking particularly to women who feel divorced women are at the bottom of the compatibility chain of marriages. The sad truth is that this is common among mothers. A northern Nigerian mother will hardly allow her unmarried son to marry a lady who was divorced before. On the other hand, people hardly care whether a man is a divorcee when he is in search of marriage.
Why all these stigmas and preferential treatment? If a divorced woman is considered a bad person and not marriageable to a bachelor, then it is only fair that the same should apply for a divorced man searching for a spinster’s hand in marriage.
Rather than make divorced women feel inferior to spinsters because of their previous marital status, judge them for who they are fairly and give equal chances to both parties.
8. Celebrate Their Remarriages With Enthusiasm (Grand Remarriages)
There is nothing wrong with gathering a merry crowd to celebrate a divorced woman’s remarriage like it was done the first time she got married. However, this is not so, the remarriages are done so low key that one will begin to wonder if it is a thief being smuggled out of the house, or even a funeral.
For most women, they are quite content with that; the low bride price, the few ‘Kayan daki’, the small or no gathering, the absence of ‘Lefe’, and many others. The women are most of the time just grateful to be remarried and lack all manner of enthusiasm.
But there is nothing wrong with sharing in the celebration of a divorced woman’s remarriage to show them that they are loved. Attend such remarriages, give them gifts, grant them good wishes, and make them enter with a positive mindset.
9. Support Their Children
No woman should be forced to live apart from her children if it can be helped. This goes mainly to the new husband. When you marry a divorced woman who already has children, try as much as you can to support her children.
Mother and child separation has happened many times because the new husband refuses to take in her children as his. Hence, she has no choice but to leave her children with relatives or with the family of her old husband where they might end up getting maltreated. In other times, divorced women often simply refuse to remarry for fear of child separation.
In another context, husbands who divorce their wives should try their possible best to cater for her and her children and not abandon them. This will keep the mother of your children and also your children off the streets and away from suffering.
10. Don’t Rub It on Their Faces
Marry her, show her life can be different and don’t rub it on her face! If as a new husband, you cannot cater for the emotional needs of your previously divorced new wife, then don’t marry her!
Too many men have married divorced women only to rub salts on their wounds. They constantly use her previous marital status to rain insults and abuses on her and her children as they like. Desperate to not go into divorce number two, these women are forced to live with monsters as husbands.
Do yourself the honour of not disgracing your manhood and leave these women alone. They are doing very fine and do not need someone like you to marry them and practice your childishness on their misfortune.
Conclusion
We have looked at ten ways in which we as a community of people with humanity can make life easier for divorced women. However, as a saying goes;
Be the heroine of your life, not the victim.
Nora Ephron
To the divorced women out there, divorce is a chance for self-reflection and growth. It is not for the public to decide where you are spiritually or morally but for yourself to decide where you are and what to do with your life. That way, you can turn a blind eye to the negativity of people.
To the remaining people out there, know that divorce is like a road accident waiting to happen to anybody at any time. Some are more severe than others. Some people will escape with barely a scratch while others will become temporarily or permanently disabled or even lose their lives. The fact that it skips you doesn’t make you a better driver or pedestrian than others. Some people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
When bringing out an accident victim, we do it cautiously not knowing which part of the victim is hurt internally. Likewise, we also need to tread cautiously with divorced people, for we don’t know which bone in their body is about to break!
by Amina Lawal | Nov 12, 2021 | Beauty & Fashion
Have any of you ever struggled with putting together a creative gift basket? Is it hard to come up with unique gift ideas for a birthday, an anniversary, a wedding, a Valentine’s Day gift? Gifts can be hard, especially ones that involve love and romance. That’s why I created this guide. And today, I’m sharing a ton of great ideas. You can include it in yours!
This list can be as fun as you want, or as romantic as you want!
Gifts for Him
Buying gifts for men is notoriously difficult. Guys tend to buy the things they really want for themselves before you ever get a chance to gift them to them. That’s why we need to get creative when thinking of the perfect gifts for men. Before settling yet for another boring gift (e.g. ties, boxers), take some time to really think about what the guy you’re shopping for would love to unwrap. This list of gifts for men is full of thoughtful ideas to match any budget.
I always struggle to come up with the perfect Birthday, Valentine’s Day, and Anniversary gifts. Your friend, dad brother, or husband (or any guy, really) will love these unique yet thoughtful gift ideas.
1. A Fresh Smelling Cologne
That’s always the first thing on the mind of ladies when getting men a gift.
2. Charcoal Car Air Freshener
This will eliminate all smells from his car and leave it smelling fresher than it’s ever been.
3. A Giant Box of Chocolates or A Bag of his Favorite Candy
4. Apple AirPods / iWatch Or Wireless Headphones
5. Journal
Fill in a blank journal of reasons why you love him
It may interest you to read on: These 10 Reasons Will Convince You to Keep A Journal
6. Photo Album
Get an album full of pictures of you two and your families.
7. A Nice Watch
This will remind him of you every time he looks at it
8. Ray-Ban Men’s Sunglasses
This will help keep his eyes protected.
9. Really Nice Pair of Shoes
This will keep him looking stylish
10. Beard Grooming Kit
If he doesn’t have a beard, please stay away from this gift
11. Manly Personalized Mug
12. Personalized Men’s Wallet
This blindfold wallet comes in black, brown, grey, or rustic. You can choose exactly how you’d like his name to be printed; monogrammed or written out.
13. Monogrammed Leather Air Pods Case
This is one of the thoughtful gift ideas out there. Although you can’t ensure that he’ll never lose his Air Pods again, this custom case will at least help him make sure he doesn’t mix up his headphones with yours.
14. Morse Code Bracelet
Engrave a special message on this bracelet in Morse code that only you two will understand. Consider it your little (stylish) secret.
15. USB Wall Charger
Now, he has no excuses to not pick up your calls! This compact docking station can charge six of his gadgets at once, so he never runs empty.
16. Travel Laptop Backpack
With a padded interior for his laptop and plenty of additional storage space, this sleek backpack will become his go-to work and weekend carry-all.
17. Car Charger
This is a gift that the whole family will enjoy: With six USB ports for iPhone and Android, it powers up phones at twice the speed of most car chargers, and comes with a five-foot-extension cord so you can clip it onto the back of the seat of the car, too.
18. Personalized Socks
He’ll want to wear this monogrammed gift to any and every occasion.
19. Laptop Case
This laptop case is sleek and stylish, but durable enough to keep his prized possession safe.
20. Clothes
Clothes could be polo shirts, khakis, kaftans, Kube caps, etc.
Gifts for Her
Even if your wife, girlfriend, daughter, or friend is super hard to impress, the lucky lady in your life deserves the best – there are no ifs, and, or buts about it. It doesn’t matter if you’re shopping for your wife, girlfriend, mom, sister, friend, or daughter, these gift ideas for her will steal the show.
1. Money
I got your eyes rolling right! Trust me, women love this the most.
2. Chocolates
This is the gate to most girls’ hearts. Girls always have a sweet tooth; you can get her variety of chocolates in a box.
3. Love Letters
Girls are mushy at heart. Get tears of joy in her eyes by writing a bunch of sweet letters telling her how much you love her. She will forever treasure them!
4. Clothes
Get her veils, blouses, trousers, sweatpants, abayas, etc.
5. Custom Family Portrait
Turn your most recent couple’s photo into a personalized print that she’ll cherish forever. Include your last name, and also, anniversary date to make it feel extra special.
6. Name Earrings
Add a pair of personalized earrings to her collection. Customize it to include her name, nickname, or any other short phrase.
7. Face Mask
Help her get that smooth, silky skin by getting her some Korean Face mask.
8. Cross-Body Bag
She can go ahead and bring those sunglasses, wallet, keys, water bottle, and phone. A cross-body bag surprisingly fits everything she needs!
9. Silk Pillowcase
This is a good gift for her. Silk pillowcases can really make a difference when it comes to reducing bedhead and complexion since they refuse friction against the hair and skin.
10. Wooden Recipe Box
Get her a hand-crafted box with her name or family name on the front. It also has enough room to hold off her recipes.
11. Leather Pocket Wallet
Now, that minimalism is a thing; help her downsize her day-to-day essentials with this compact leather wallet. Although it’s small enough to fit in her pocket or purse, it can hold cards and a short stack of money.
12. Journal
A fresh notebook with her initials will win!
13. Jewelry
A girl is always looking for ways to switch up her look. You can get her different varieties of hand-selected jewelry.
14. Bags
Get her a fancy handbag or backpack.
15. Build Her Hair Scrunchie Box
This is one of my favourite gift ideas. Most women pack their hair into an updo. You can get her different varieties of scrunches.
16. Yoga Mat
If yoga is one of her favourite hobbies, then this smart mat will change for her zen game.
17. Cat Measuring Spoons/Cups
This is a thoughtful gesture if she loves cats and baking! And most women do.
18. Perfume Palette
Make sure you give her a perfume that she actually loves.
19. Sneakers
A pair of white lace-up sneakers is as classic as it gets (just like her).
20. Hair Accessories
Get her some clips, ribbons, caps, etc.
Conclusion
Hope this helps you pick out a great gift for them! Let me give you a hint, whatever you get put it in fancy packaging! That always works magic!
