by Maryam Idris Bappa | Dec 12, 2021 | Family & Parenting
Ever looked at a child and wondered what was going on in his or mind; or more interestingly, observed a child deeply engrossed in an activity that he/she is unaware of the surroundings? If yes, then at a point, we must have shared thoughts that the child was simply a mindless individual without a worry in the world and that was it!
I had that thought for quite a long time until I came across a quote by chance saying:
Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from learning, but for children, play is serious learning, Play is really the work of childhood.
Fred Rogers
The above quote somehow stuck to my mind that each time I saw a child deeply engrossed in a playful activity, I looked on with newfound interest. This saying kept bugging my mind and with time, it started changing my perspective.
My mind got curious and I tasked myself to find out why children got engaged in such activities and what they hoped to achieve in doing so. Although, I did not have many tools to discover why. It kept dawning on me that there could be an end goal in sight as I continued to observe him. Perhaps, there was another reason why a child spends hours making sandcastles other than the fact that he/she simply just has much free time.
So was there a way to unfold mysteries behind a child’s mind in ways we can understand them as unique intelligent beings rather than mindless individuals? And what is the need to find an answer to this rising question?
While pondering over the latter, I came across another quote by Jess lair saying
Children are not things to be molded but are people to be unfolded
It then dawned on me how as mothers, we owed it to them to learn how to understand, encourage and guide them to explore their inner potentials. This is essential considering how the home is the first school of a child.
We must, first of all, understand that every child is unique; can learn and develop in different ways and at different rates in enabling environments, and also every child can learn to be strong and independent through positive relationships.
Although it bugs me that some mothers do not pay attention to these similarities and differences, one thing that is clear is we cannot continue to pretend as if children no matter how young, lack thoughts and feelings of their own and that a wrong move could form long-lasting damage to their mental health and more.
This made me visit and explore the concept of Montessori education to aid me to view the world through the lens of a child.
What is Montessori Education?
Founded by Italian doctor, Dr. Maria Montessori and named after her, Montessori education is a child-centered philosophy that developed through scientific observation of children in mental health facilities in 1897 Rome. Maria’s careful observation and experimentation of children, their environment, and methods of learning led her to develop her educational philosophy which she described as a ‘Model of human development. There were two principles guiding this theory.
The first was that children and developing adults engaged in self-constructed psychological development through interaction with the environment. The second emphasized children especially those under the age of six as having an ‘innate path’ of psychological development. Based on this theory, Maria Montessori saw that for a child, the freedom to choose and act freely within a prepared environment would make the child act spontaneously for optimal development.
In other words, the Montessori Method attempts to develop children physically socially, emotionally, and cognitively by regarding the child as the initiator of learning and describing him as one who is eager to learn in a prepared learning environment.
Montessori Education in Northern Nigeria
The Montessori system of education in schools has generally found a wide range of applications in Nigeria from daycare programs, kindergartens, and elementary schools. From the early 2000s, Nigeria has successfully implemented Montessori teacher-training programs as well as applied the concept of a safe environment and curriculum.
However, the existence of issues ranging from lack of sufficient training in self-acclaimed teachers to overcrowding of classrooms has proven to pose a stunt in its growth. This shows that a well-learned individual on a one-on-one relationship such as the one between a mother and child on a daily basis could revolutionalise its existence.
As such, many countries have adopted Montessori methods in their homes.
Montessori in Nigerian Homes
Most schools guided by the Montessori curriculum are schools that are located in the southern regions of Nigeria. These include states like Lagos, Port Harcourt, Ondo, and only a few in Northern Nigeria which are mostly located in the Federal Capital Territory in the North-Central. Its knowledge and application seem to be limited as northerners are generally more conservative.
However, we need not wait for its widespread in schools located in Northern Nigeria before we can apply it in our homes. Women in many regions within and outside Nigeria have already adopted Montessori education at home.
Similarly, the lifestyle of Northern Nigerian women in Nigeria proves to be especially suitable for the application of Montessori methods in the home for the following reasons:
Montessori years begin at pre-school or homeschooling age, that is from 0-3 years as in Northern Nigeria.
Most northern Nigerian women especially housewives would have ample time to spend with their children.
The one-on-one relationship gives a mother the mentorship advantage.
Northern Nigerian mothers can conveniently create a personalized learning environment for the children for learning and development using local materials and methods.
How to Implement Montessori in Your Home Using These 5 Steps
How does a woman begin implementing Montessori at home? Does she jump to the first video tutorial she sees on YouTube?
A woman needs to understand that there are a variety of ways of implementing Montessori at home that needs to tally with the individual needs of the child. When it comes to Montessori, the one-size-fits-all is not advisable. These five steps will guide a woman on ways to start implementing Montessori in her home;
Step 1: Assess Personal Discipline Style
The Montessori Method gives wide room for the child to do what he wants. A mother might consider coming up with a positive rather than a negative approach to maintaining discipline.
Step 2: Assess Your Space
Look around your home and include your child’s needs in the space. For example, provide a low bed he can climb up and down on his own, or provide his very own low utensil cabinet in the kitchen.
By doing things on his own, it will enable him to achieve confidence, independence, and self-sufficiency.
Step 3: Follow Your Child
This step is the most important when implementing Montessori at home. Observe your child’s most minimal behaviours like how he twists his fingers, eats, and communicates. This will enable you to find out where your child is developmental as an individual. It is more recommended than comparing him to his age mates or siblings since every child is unique.
You also need to know;
What motivates your child?
Consider his sensitive periods
Find out which schema he belongs to
Some of these will be explained more in detail as we progress.
Step 4: Prepare the Environment
Make the environment safe for your child. Constantly buy or recycle his toys when he begins to show disinterest in the ones he is using.
Also, allow him to choose which toy he wishes to use. In this step, make sure you remove yourself and try not to influence his choices with your personal thoughts or actions.
Step 5: Practical Life
Involving your child in your every day will make him feel like a valued member of the family. Talk to your child constantly, ask them questions even if it means providing the answer yourself. Engage him in formal practical life activities like helping to wipe the table or doing the dishes. This will give him an added sense of belonging and responsibility.
Be careful not to overburden him though, such that he won’t feel like it is a chore and lose interest. In that case, don’t force your child as that will only make him lose interest more.
What to Know Before Implementing Montessori at Home
Incidentally, there are mental tools the northern Nigerian mother needs to equip herself with before embarking on the journey of becoming a Montessori mentor to her child. Concepts that need to be explored will better inform her of the choices she will make in the future.
1. Child Development Ages and Stages
The growth and development of a child may occur at different paces for children, but generally, they usually exhibit similar characteristics within a stipulated time. These have been categorized into six stages with each exhibiting mean characteristics. The period between 0-3 years are outlined as follows:
- Birth to three months: Behavioral characteristics of babies in this time include kicking, stretching, responding to loud noises, and grasping at things like your finger.
- Four to six months: At this time, babies are more social and interested in their surroundings. They grab toys, grab hair or hold toys, laugh and squeal more, blow bubbles, and generally sleep longer.
- Seven to twelve months: Babies engage in mobile activities like rolling over, crawling, standing, and strength testing.
- One to two years: A child becomes more conscious of behaviors of himself and others. He is eager to learn and starts communicating through words and facial expressions.
- Two to three and a half years: Toddler begins developing a distinct personality and changes in his social, intellectual, and emotional activities. He is constantly exploring so safety is paramount and needs a lot of attention
2. Principles of Montessori Education.
There are many principles guiding Montessori education but whether at home or in school, these five principles are key in practising the Montessori Method:
- Children are shown respect and taught kindness through demonstration by the mentor
- Children have absorbent minds and as such, are always eager to learn from their environment
- Sensitive periods for children are critical for heightened learning. Mentors should seize this to provide resources and opportunities for optimal learning
- Children learn best in a prepared environment: Provide a variety of materials and organise resources for individual selection of the child in a safe and free environment
- Children can teach themselves through auto-education by active exploration: Encourage them by introducing new materials in a prepared environment.
3. Sensitive Periods of Development of a Child
This is a period of a child’s natural burning interest in something. Maria Montessori recognized eleven basic sensitive periods of development of children regarding them as windows of opportunity. They include movement, math patterns, emotional control, order, interest in small objects vocabulary, sensations, letters shapes and sounds, music, and writing.
- Movement: Born with limited movement control, children develop cognitive abilities as they learn to use their bodies.
- Math patterns: Montessori informs us that babies are born with mathematical minds
- Need for order: Children, (six months to three years) desire order and throw tantrums if the order is disrupted.
- Interest in small objects: Leads to development of fine motor control and the pincer grasp essential for writing and other important skills
- Vocabulary: Children (under the age of six) are hardwired for language acquisition
- Sensation: Children (between two and a half to five years) are drawn to tracing textured letters with their fingers while matching the sound of a letter to its shape
- Letters, shapes, and sounds: Children becoming sensitive and interested in these
- Music: Children (three years) experience a sensitive period for learning rhythm, pitch, and more. It develops their brain and leads to academic, social, and emotional growth.
- Writing and Reading: Children are open to the right information at the right time. When ready for them, learning is a natural continuous process.
4. The Concept of a Schema
An important aspect of Montessori education is the concept of schema. A schema is a set of instructions one creates through repetitive trial and error. This proves to find the best and efficient ways of completing tasks.
There are eight schemas outlined by Montessori which children may use varyingly at different periods including connecting, orientation, Transporting, trajectory, positioning, enveloping, enclosing, and rotation.
- Connecting: a child may connect and disconnect a tower of blocks in an effort to understand how things come together and fall apart. By doing this, he understands, strength, stickiness, purchase, and slippiness,
- Orientation: A child may swing upside down to discover seeing things from a different point of view. This builds their confidence in physical activities when anticipating how a player might move.
- Transporting: A child may move items from point A to B to see something happen as a result of their hard work and gain pleasure from it.
- Trajectory: A child may drop food from his chair or watch a pendulum in action. These develop into throwing, catching, kicking, and driving skills.
- Positioning: A child may arrange toys or create scenes and displays. This will help later in maintaining neat works in school books or placing shoes under pegs.
- Enveloping: A child may enjoy filling empty boxes to discover what happens if they hide or wrap an object.
- Enclosing: A child may want to create an enclosure for his toys in an effort to learn how to create boundaries. Eventually, enclosing skills leads to learning letter formation.
- Rotating: A child may twirl round or watch the washing machine that eventually leads to understanding rotational symmetry in mathematics.
Conclusion
In this article we have journeyed through and learned the following:
- Children begin their developmental and cognitive journey from a young age (0-3 years) which compels us to understand and guide them.
- Montessori is a befitting guide to raising and educating our children because of its child-centered nature which assists us in understanding our child.
- The northern Nigerian mother is the best person to begin a Montessori child’s journey before school due to her domestic lifestyle and position which gives her a mentorship advantage.
- The northern Nigerian mother needs to understand every child is different and equip herself with basic child development knowledge and Montessori concepts before jumping into implementing Montessori at home.
Also, the write-up also advises the future or already practising Montessori mother to:
- Treat every child as a separate individual and realize his needs are dynamic.
- Prepare the child’s environment and space based on the child’s existing schema and seize a child’s sensitive period to educate him.
- Keep constantly researching about Montessori methods.
Thank you for your time and I hope you enjoyed the read.
by Maryam Idris Bappa | Dec 12, 2021 | Family & Parenting
In northern Nigeria, when you hear the ‘word’ abuse, the first thing likely to come to your mind is ‘Drug abuse’. Why? This is because it is one of the most socially recognized and stigmatized forms of abuse.
But before we discuss more on that, let us have a look at the concept of abuse.
What is Abuse?
Generally, abuse is the improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. Both animate and inanimate things, tangible and intangible things can be abused. For example, one can abuse a privilege, an animal, a human, or a pencil.
Abuse of People
When talking about abuse of people, however, we can say abuse is that which originates from a difference in power and sprouts from a notion that people can unjustly use someone that they feel are lesser than them. This can happen intentionally or unintentionally.
Types of People Abusers
There are two types of abusers. Those that abuse intentionally and those that abuse unintentionally
Unintentional Abusers
People that abuse others unintentionally are usually victims or witnesses of abuse themselves and may do so due to a lack of knowledge that it is wrong.
Lack of emotional intelligence may also trigger unintentional abuse. Simply speaking, it might have been what was done to them or what they have seen others doing and ended up doing it themselves.
Intentional Abusers
Intentional abusers however are very much aware of what they are doing and its implications but will continue to do so at the expense of what they deem a small price to pay as long as it will benefit them. Such types of people usually feel they are above all including the law.
Abuse of people by other people may occur in many forms but this article will focus on “Yar aiki” abuse in northern Nigeria.
Meaning and Roles of Yar aiki
The term ‘Yar aiki’ is a local term used to describe a house girl or a ‘female house help’ which can range from a young girl of ten years to an old woman of fifty or more. She may be unmarried, married, or a divorcee.
This is because, in the northern society, it is almost taboo for boys or men to mix with members of the household as a result of religious and cultural practices. Such types of ‘Yar aiki’ may be educated or uneducated, work as live-in or part-time helps and maybe from similar or different regions as the household members.
The work of a ‘Yar aiki’ usually ranges from cooking, cleaning, washing plates or clothes, and taking care of a baby’s needs if any. But these ladies are often taken advantage of in many households in northern Nigeria that it has almost become a norm.
Yar aiki Abuse in Northern Nigeria
Any action that intentionally harms or injures a house help, causing her harm or distress, is referred to as abuse.
‘Yar aiki’ abuse is a notion of the wrongness of using one’s house help as a means to one’s end rather than as an end in herself. From another perspective, ‘Yar aiki’ abuse may be termed as “socially constructed”, which means there may be more or less recognition of the suffering of the house helps at different times and societies.
This is why even when ‘Yar aiki’ abuse is popular in northern Nigeria, the first thing likely to come to your mind when you hear of abuse is ‘drug abuse.
Does this lack of recognition of house help abuse in northern Nigeria come from ignorance of people on the concept of abuse? Or are the authorities to blame for its lack of policies to hinder its widespread? Whichever it may be, one has to recognize a problem before one can solve it.
Are You Abusing Your House Help?
Often the people who commit abuse are taking advantage of a special relationship in the home, workplace, hospital, or a public place. This can come in the form of disrespect or causing someone physical or mental pain. Economic and social differences have given many people weapons to implement abuse as they deem please with or without realizing it.
This article will educate people especially women, who are usually the bosses of these house helps, on the different angles abuse can take form and what they are doing to promote it. Here are fifteen ways you are abusing your house help with or without your knowledge, divided into six types of abuse.
Physical Abuse
Basically, deliberate and unwanted contact with your house help that causes or is intended to cause her harm is physical abuse. It also includes using or threatening to use a weapon on her. However, you may also be physically abusing your house help by rough-handling, scalding, physically punishing, involuntarily confining, assaulting, or forcibly feeding or withholding food from her.
Below are ways you are physically abusing your house help.
1. When You Beat or Punish Her
Physically assaulting your house help by slapping, punching, kicking, pushing, or shoving her around just because she accidentally burnt your favourite ‘Atamfa’ is cruel and is not going to unburn it. Neither is scalding or burning her with the same pressing iron.
Do not deny her lunch or make her do the frog hop as punishment because she took too long at an errand or lost part of the money.
Some of these young girls are just too young to be’ that responsible’ or unfamiliar with your lifestyle. For them, simple things may look like driving a car. If you can’t pardon a mistake in a particular chore, desist from giving it to them. Remember everyone makes mistakes and there are other ways to resolve issues without turning to physical violence.
2. When You over Burden Her With Work
Do you feel tired after cleaning, washing, cooking, and ironing? Mmm, guess what, your house help does too. Because she is human just like you! If you think your house help doesn’t get to have an excuse not to work or have a break, then you should get her machine parts that run on battery. Don’t be so lazy that you overwork your house helps too much. Some house helps literally do everything for everyone including simple household and personal chores. This is worse for the life in house helps, who are usually the first to wake and last to go to bed.
Do not take advantage of her financial vulnerability and overwork her till she crashes. If you can afford to replace her, she may not be able to replace her health. Give your house help enough sleeping hours and an hour or 30 minutes break at a time during the day.
Encourage other house members to engage in chores and know that she may not complain, but her body certainly does.
Verbal Abuse
Verbally abusing your house help includes the use of language to criticize, name-call, put down, threaten or blame her. This behaviour makes her doubt her abilities and subjugate herself to you, resulting in a loss of her self-esteem. This can interfere with your house help’s positive development and over time, lead to significant detriment to her person’s mental and physical wellbeing.
Below are ways you are verbally abusing your house help.
3. When You Say Words That Dismis Her Opinions
“Nobody asked you” when she attempts to suggest a better way of doing something your pride is unwilling to accommodate. “keep quiet and go back to your work”. Saying such things will definitely hurt her even if her suggestion will not work. Instead of reducing her to the status of a mere toad, find humbler ways of declining or rejecting your house help’s opinions or suggestions where you feel they won’t work. However, strive to give her objective listening ears and hear her out from time to time.
4. When You Say Words That Disrespect Her
You always call your house help names, shout at her, give her indirect sarcastic comments, and you never say please but instead speak to her rudely and condescendingly when you need her services, making it possible for others to step on her.
“Are you going to spend the whole night cooking, your stupid girl” or “I don’t know I got stuck with a worthless person”, whenever she does things you don’t approve of. This is totally wrong and you need to stop. It pays to be polite to your lesser ones and it only reflects who you are.
5. When You Say Words That Imposes Blames on Her
The food you started cooking in the kitchen and left got burnt, your money is missing in the purse, someone spilled pap on the living room cushions, the weather is too hot. It’s always her fault.
Then you make it clear to her that she is the only one careless, untrustworthy, clumsy, or stupid enough to do so? Right everyone is a saint except her. You did not raise a thief in your house and she couldn’t be in two places enough to stop your food from burning. Don’t be unrealistic. Own up to your mistakes or at least don’t make her suffer for it.
Emotional and Psychological abuse
Emotional and Psychological abuse is any physical and nonphysical act towards your house help including confinement, isolation, insults, humiliation, intimidation, or any other treatment which may diminish her sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.
This causes her anxiety and depression making her withdraw from everyone or everything around her.
Psychological abuse will affect her inner thoughts and feelings as well as exert control over her life. She may feel anxious and unsafe at all times. Physical and verbal abuse may also result in emotional and psychological abuse.
Below are ways you are emotionally/psychologically abusing your house help.
6. When You Deny Her Access to Her Own Family
Everyone needs and deserves love and the warmth of a family they can feel safe and at total ease with. House help is not a slave.
Give your part-time or live-in-house help the benefit of attending important family occasions and holidays to go home to her family from time to time. Keeping her away from them will take away a significant part of her emotional needs.
7. When You Restrict Her From Social Activities
If she can’t join you on your family outings to fancy places because she doesn’t belong, at least let her have a few friends she can laugh and talk with intimately from time to time. Stop ignoring and then isolating your house help as if she were a plague. Include her in outings and let her have positive contact outside your home.
8. When You Make Her Feel Worthless
The super old or half-cracked plates and cups are by birthright hers. Who needs tattered clothes, just give them to her. Her toothbrush is only 2 years old. Your house help is so worthless that she doesn’t have the right to be clean. Neither does she need to own or use reasonably good things.
She is always looking unkempt because she is a dumpster for everyone’s old things. Then you stigmatize her and isolate her further for it. If you cannot give your house help expensive things, at least provide her with new and cheap or old and good cheaper ones.
Encourage her hygiene and let her sit together with the family.
9. When You Ignore Her Rights to Spiritual and Intellectual Progress
Educate your house help on western education at home if you cannot afford a school for her. Let your children also teach her. Give her freedom to attend church or go to religious schools and gatherings.
Encourage your househelp to have intellectual and spiritual progress so she can fit in the society and have confidence, worth and inner peace.
Sexual Abuse
Sexually abusing your house help come in any unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling your house help. It may also be by you insisting she acts out certain fantasies of yours against her will.
Below are ways you are sexually abusing your house help.
This goes to everybody in the house, do not touch your house helps in inappropriate places without appropriate cause or consent. refrain from looking at her intimately in a sexual way either. All this amounts to sexual abuse.
10. Giving Snug Comments which Could Give a Sexual Meaning
Do not offer to massage your house-help tired muscles. No, she probably doesn’t want to come in and see ‘something’ and she definitely doesn’t appreciate hearing she is beautiful from you.
11. Blackmailing Her to Sleep with You
Stop threatening to tell on your house help if she doesn’t agree to your sexual advances. This is a very serious form of sexual abuse and you can be charged duly for it.
12. Coercing Her to Participate in a Sexual Fantasy
Still can’t believe some couples in Northern Nigeria try to engage their house helps in weird sexual fantasies and activities ranging from threesomes to one person watching while the other two get off.
If you are doing this forcibly to your house help and threatening her not to tell, the law will be right by your door soon.
13. When You Rape Your House-help
Your house help is still not cooperating to have intercourse with you so you slip by her room when everyone is asleep and have your way with her.
You are not safe even now as you read this as this is the highest form of sexual abuse.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse occurs when you deny your house help pay after services she has rendered you. It could also include selling her possessions without permission.
Below is how you are financially abusing your house help.
14. When You Don’t Pay Her for the Service Rendered
Your house help messed up so you decide not to pay her. She works and you just decide not to pay her because you feel she doesn’t have a family to go back to or the means to report you. Totally wrong and intense abusive behaviour.
If you have any issues to settle with your house help, sit her down amicably and discuss it but withholding payment is simply not the solution and is a type of abuse.
Discriminatory Abuse
This means an unequal treatment on your house help in comparison to other people due to her age, a disability she has, marital status, religion, or belief.
Below is how you are discriminatorily abusing your house help.
15. It’s Wrong to Mock or Maltreating Her due to Her Religion or Tribe
I trust you did not hire your house help without knowledge of her tribe or religion. Even if you did, you lack the right to maltreat or mock her because of it. Accept and treat your house help kindly and with respect wherever she may come from and whatever her beliefs if you can.
In the event that you can’t, pay for her services so far and dismiss her. There are too many discriminators in this world without you adding to the list.
Lastly…
If you are doing any of the above-mentioned things and you are finding it hard to address them or change your mindset, you are advised to address any abusive behaviour of someone else that is rubbing off on you, educate yourself with books on social and emotional intelligence, go for therapy and treat others as you would have them treat you.
Finally, find the humanity within you and review your mind and conscience from time to time so you treat not only Your house helps but also other people around you better.
by Maryam Idris Bappa | Nov 27, 2021 | Opinion, Family & Parenting
Yara manyan gobe
This is a popular northern Nigerian saying meaning children are the leaders of tomorrow. You ask a child what he wants to become in the future and he replies with “I want to be a footballer”. This is okay because, at that stage, the child is replying to you out of pure passion and adoration for the profession and not because he understands what it will truly mean for him to become a footballer. But that does not necessarily mean you should throw what he is saying out the window. Here is why.
It is true that at the earliest phase of childhood, children are driven more by emotions rather than logic. Generally, a newborn baby will cry when he is hungry, sleepy, or sick. Thus, generations of parenting have allowed parents to interpret this signal in many ways to enable them to understand what the baby actually wants. They understand that a baby may cry and rub his eyes when he is sleepy or cry and suck his own tongue when hungry. This means that children know what they want even before they are able to express it coherently.
As children grow, they begin to feel more than just hunger and sleepiness and experience emotions of joy, sorrow, fear, and surprise. As time goes on, these simple emotions evolve into more complex ones like pride, hope, confidence, guilt embarrassment, and empathy. Then it is at that stage that a child begins to develop his own unique likes, dislikes, wants, and personality in general.
It is also at that point that a child needs to learn how to manage his emotions. But this is where the problem arises as the average northern Nigerian parent is likely to be ignorant of these developments and usually ends up infringing on the child’s mental rights.
Unfortunately, a child’s mental state is very fragile, and continuous abuse of it may affect him psychologically as regards how he behaves, controls his emotions, or socializes with people in the future. Therefore, understanding why a child thinks the way he thinks and acts or reacts the way he does and acting appropriately on it will not only support his present but help in building and shaping his future self and personality based on who he actually is. This brings us to study the concept of child psychology.
What is Child Psychology?
Child psychology/child development is the study of subconscious and conscious childhood development. At the same time, it is the study of the psychological processes of children, their uniqueness, and their development.
Initiated in 1840, when Charles Darwin began studying and collecting data on the growth and development of his own children, child psychology went through German psychophysiologist and American educational psychologist namely William Prayer and Stanley Hall respectively. These two put forth methods and periodicals to child psychology and education.
By the 20th century, the field of child psychology was further defined by the development of intelligence tests and the establishment of child guidance clinics. In modern child psychology today, Jean Piaget regarded as its founder, developed a theory of acquisition in children, where he described the stages of learning in childhood and characterized children’s perceptions of themselves and the world at each stage.
Key Areas of Child Psychology
Moreover, five key areas of child psychology are outlined including development, milestones, behaviour, emotions, and socialization. Each area has its own sub-areas. Our point of focus here is ‘development’, which in this article proves to be crucial of the five.
Child development has three areas of focus namely; Physical development, Cognitive/intellectual development, and Social/emotional development.
1. Physical Development
This refers to the physical changes a child’s body undergoes from birth and usually happens in a mean predictable manner. Usually, your child will roll his head up, roll over, crawl, walk and run.
Physical development also includes the acquisition of gross and fine motor skills which means the ability to use one’s big muscles to carry out activities like walking, and also the ability to use smaller muscles like their hands and fingers to pick up small objects or hold a spoon.
These different skills and developments of children usually occur within a specific time frame or window and are guided by developmental milestones from the first six weeks to seven years of infanthood.
2. Cognitive/Intellectual Development
This includes reasoning, imagination, language, and thought, cognitive development refers to all processes children use to gain knowledge. It is the intellectual learning and thought processes of a child, mostly influenced by genetics and environment.
Nowadays, babies show interest in their environment before they have the language to express it.
3. Social/Emotional Development
Social development deals with learning to relate to other people. It is how a child develops values, awareness, and social skills necessary to relate with people around him.
Emotional development refers to how a child feels, understands, and expresses his emotions. The emotional development of a child has a major effect on his social development because the way a child feels understands and expresses his feelings has a direct impact on how he relates with other people and gain social skills.
Social skills that children may develop include trust, friendship, conflict management, and respect. These are greatly influenced by the amount of love and affection a child receives. Failure to attain these social skills may later pose difficulty for children in creating and maintaining satisfying relationships with others in the future.
Every parent strives to their best to see their children develop physically. They are overjoyed when their child takes his first step or says his first word. Enabling a child to attain his physical development milestones has never really been a problem. However, the same cannot be said for the other two development areas.
Learning to express and regulate emotions healthy has proven difficult for many children. Therefore, in this article, the effects of understanding cognitive/intellectual development and social/emotional development of a child by parents are aspects of child development to be focused on.
This is because they are given less attention to raising children in Northern Nigeria.
Why is Understanding Child Psychology Important?
We worry about what a child will become tomorrow yet we forget that he is someone today.
Stacia Tauscher
If you want your child to attain greatness tomorrow, believe in who he is today and make him grow. This does not involve forcing the child to be someone he is not or making him suit your needs. A child is an individual of his own and not an extension of who you are. Knowing who your child is and aiding him to be the best of himself is the way to go.
Below are a few of some of the reasons why you should understand your child’s psychology:
1. To Improve A child’s Mental Stability
Children have real understanding only of that which they invent themselves.
Jean Plageat
A child is one who goes through several schemas in which he explores different phenomena around him constantly learning and unlearning. At that stage, he is discovering himself and needs guidance and support more than education.
A mentally stable child is a child who has been allowed the freedom to make his own decisions and mistakes from infancy.
To allow a child freedom of mind is to improve on his self-identity and mental stability.
It is easier to build a build strong children than repair broken adults.
F Douglas
Rather than overburden and confuse your child with the manual of life which you have acquired, support your child by knowing that it is okay for him to discover, try and make mistakes or succeed on his own. Thus, watch him closely and guide him where possible.
This continuous trial and error will equip him with more understanding of his own self and deter him from developing personality disorders.
2. To build a Child’s Empathy
Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them, they remember what you are.
Jim Henson
By understanding and respecting a child’s emotional needs, you are teaching them how to respect other people’s feelings, emotions, and wishes. An empathic parent is far more likely to raise an empathic child than one who disregards the child’s feelings and gets what they want through manipulation.
Try to see and understand the world through your child’s eyes and the reason why he/she is hurting or doesn’t want to do a particular thing. That way, you make room for communication and teach your child that it is okay to not have your way all the time. This will go a long way in enhancing his emotional/social development.
3. To Enable a Child Become Independent
To take children seriously is to value them who they are right now rather than adults in the making.
Alfie Kohn
Boost your child’s self-confidence and independence by valuing and trusting in their instincts and decisions right here and now. Otherwise, you can choose to keep seeing and treating your children as infants and not valuing them as individuals. However, it does not stop them from growing emotionally and cognitively out of the prison you have built for them.
Instinctively, your children will slowly begin to demand privacy and independence from you as they grow. If you do not give it to them, they will take it for themselves.
Value your children even when it is difficult for you and do not treat them merely as extensions of yourselves. They too require most of the things adults require even if you feel they have not financially earned it or even deserve it.
This will improve their cognitive and emotional development and boost their sense of independence to enable them to perform even if you as a parent are not there.
The more risks you allow your children to make, the better they learn to look after themselves.
Roald Dahi
4. To Maximize a Child’s Potential
If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes learn to trust, share their feelings and grow.
Alfie Kohn.
There is no limit to what a child can achieve once you provide the right environment for him to develop. Sometimes, success is not measured by how much someone makes but by the satisfaction they are able to achieve with their own unique talent.
Every now and then, a great painter or a great lawyer arises to become a hero among others because he/she has been supported up to his full potential. I rather have the best bricklayer as a son than the worst engineer or doctor. Forget societal standards or stigma and help your child attain his full potential.
If we want our children to move mountains, we first have to let them get out of their chairs.
Nicolette Sowder
5. To Pass Onto the Child Better Values
What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.
Mother Theresa
They say you cannot give what you lack. In order to instil love and respect in a child, you must first give the child love and respect. Demonstrate good values to your child, help him develop physically, mentally, and socially and watch him become a great human being.
They say what you don’t know cannot hurt you, but guess what, children nowadays start knowing at a very young age. They may not be actively conscious of it but they are aware of all the damages being done to them at an early age and one day they will remember. Also, they will remember but it will be too late to do anything then. So cut the toxic trend and understand your children today.
Conclusion
Know who your child is and do not force them to become other than who they are. A child’s emotional and cognitive development is just as important as their physical development. There is no room for one to give way to the others. As such, child psychology is evolving every day to help us understand and raise our children better.
Therefore, we all must join this trend and make sure our children grow healthily in all developmental aspects of their lives.
by Maryam Idris Bappa | Nov 14, 2021 | Relationships & Weddings
‘Bazawara’, a term in the Hausa language used to represent a woman who has married before and is no longer with her husband, as a result of death or divorce. Yet, it is a word carrying so much identity and stigma. It could almost be seen drawn on the faces of ‘Zaurawa’. Even worse, in Northern Nigeria, the way divorce is ultimately pinned to be the fault of women, while the men are given a thousand excuses, is simply unfair.
Divorce in Nigeria
In Nigeria, according to the National Bureau of statistics, very few percentages of married men and women get divorced legally, excluding traditional marriages which are more popular. These divorces are triggered by early marriages, sexual-related issues, change in lifestyles, fantastical ideology of women about marriage, career, and also married couples living apart for more than 2 years.
Still, reasons and requests for divorce could result from either man or woman, sometimes over a ridiculous issue. In one instance, a woman asked her husband for divorce because he mistook the toilet for her cooking pot. In another instance, a man divorced his wife because he felt deceived over her beauty.
These and more have led to more than sufficient reasons to get divorced in Nigeria.
Divorce in Northern Nigeria
In Northern Nigeria, divorce trends in places like Kano, Katsina, Zaria, and Bauchi, with reasons originating from toxic masculinity, early marriages due to parents’ financial incapabilities, lack of counselling, lack of psychological preparations, and the build-up of a false psychological state of negative expectations.
Right from when a woman is to be married, the phrase “Ayi hakuri” meaning marriage is all about patience is chanted to the woman until the day she dies. This makes her go into marriage with the worst possible painted scenarios in her head, also trapping her in a long unhappy marriage of physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse.
She feels it is her responsibility to have patience and keep the marriage going until when she is not able to. Then, the fault is pinned on her and the man is acquitted.
Addressing The Stigma towards Divorced Women
Whatever be the reason for divorce, women are always at the negative stigmatic receiving end of it, with their children caught at traumatizing middles. Anger, depression, hopelessness, and poverty are some of the few impacts divorces has on women.
As a result, more and more women end up in drugs, violence, feminism, kidnapping, and human trafficking. The men, on the other hand, go on with their lives marrying as many more wives as fit for their practice.
However, it is time we stop pointing societally manicured fingers and accept that what has happened cannot be reversed. Therefore, instead of blaming each other for the past, let us allow women divorcees to breathe and live life without dooming tattoos.
Below are ways we can make life less difficult for divorced women and help them get through their struggles.
10 Ways to Make the Life of a Divorced Woman Less Difficult
1. Give Women Freedom to Make a Choice
When people divorce, it can be such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together, it can even be worse.
Monica Belluci
The first step to helping divorced women is by NOT making them stay in unhappy marriages. Parents especially fathers, giving out their daughters in marriage should know that by giving their daughters a chance to make a healthy exit out of a toxic marriage, they are saving them a lot of physical and emotional damages in the marriage and afterwards.
Rather than a warning and threatening their daughters that under no circumstances should they leave their husband’s house, with strict penalties outlined in place for them, they should advise them accordingly and trust them to make the right decisions.
Many women have gone into and stayed through disastrous marriages with fear of their parents that when the marriage eventually ends, they are left already physically and emotionally drained beyond help.
2. Know That It Could Be You
This goes to people especially women that look down on other women that are divorced. Show some empathy! Yes. There is nothing special about you that puts you above divorced women. Nothing that guarantees that you, your friend, or your family will not fall into the same situation.
As bitter as it may sound, you need to open your eyes, read some books, then get off your high horse and show these women some understanding. Or at least, don’t try to judge them based on your pure ignorance.
3. Don’t Punish Them At Home
Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping it will transform into a door.
Coco Chanel
The idea that a divorced woman should become a glorified maid of the house upon her return from her husband’s house needs to stop right this moment!
Don’t punish and frustrate divorced women at their parents’ or guardians’ homes into regret or returning to their husbands’ homes’, this ill tradition promoted by poverty and ignorance has successfully been transferred from generation to generation. Surely, it may have been seen to work and set women straight in some instances, but a piece of advice,
You never know what these frustrated women might return and end up doing. Instead, show empathy and give these women the emotional support they need. That way, they can think straight and begin to focus on the next step of action.
Also, it will enable both the husband and other members of the society to see them with respect and treat them as the humans that they are.
4. Accept Them Back in the Society
The northern society becomes like thorns on a chair for divorced women to sit on after a long day’s work. Everywhere they go, lips murmur and fingers point at them. At weddings and gatherings, especially of women, the divorcees can be seen grouping themselves into a subconscious mental club where they feel less rejected.
Women openly gossip about whose marriage just ended and whose is about to. In short, the public becomes an unfavourable atmosphere for divorced women and those who care about them.
These displays of ignorance happen as a result of a lack of knowledge and empathy by society, forcing divorced women who cannot withstand the pressure to fall back into depression and self-hatred.
5. Offer Them Professional Counselling
Take a step back, reflect and look at the bigger picture. As divorce experiences differ in different marriages, most times, when women come out of a marriage, they are in need of intense counselling in order to make peace with their past and move on.
It may also help them rebuild themselves for their next marriages. So instead of jumping from one marriage to the other, know that as a divorced woman,
Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.
Toni Morrison
Understanding why certain things happened in your marriage and why you and your partner felt the way you felt and reacted the way you reacted will enable you to understand yourselves and make a closure. It will also free you from self-blame and enable you to take the next step of action.
Although such programs are not popular in Northern Nigeria, famed online ‘Divorce Diaries’ have gone a long way in giving structure and support groups to divorced women in Northern Nigeria.
6. Empower Them Financially
Divorced women should be equipped with skills such that they can earn enough to feed, clothe, and school their children. Many women prefer to stay in draining marriages solely because they have no way of taking care of the financial needs of themselves and their children if they choose to leave.
Caught in a dilemma to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea, those who choose divorce are immediately abandoned by the husband, who is already busy with his other wives or looking for ways of replacing the woman with another.
As such, divorced women can be seen doing menial jobs like housekeeping, hawking, and others to cater for themselves and their children’s wellbeing. But that alone will not suffice as the wages they receive cannot go past feeding and clothing. Therefore, organizations should provide jobs or empowerment for divorced women.
7. Don’t Make Them Feel Inferior to Other Women
A woman should not be disqualified for her next marriage simply because she has been married before and gotten divorced.
I am talking particularly to women who feel divorced women are at the bottom of the compatibility chain of marriages. The sad truth is that this is common among mothers. A northern Nigerian mother will hardly allow her unmarried son to marry a lady who was divorced before. On the other hand, people hardly care whether a man is a divorcee when he is in search of marriage.
Why all these stigmas and preferential treatment? If a divorced woman is considered a bad person and not marriageable to a bachelor, then it is only fair that the same should apply for a divorced man searching for a spinster’s hand in marriage.
Rather than make divorced women feel inferior to spinsters because of their previous marital status, judge them for who they are fairly and give equal chances to both parties.
8. Celebrate Their Remarriages With Enthusiasm (Grand Remarriages)
There is nothing wrong with gathering a merry crowd to celebrate a divorced woman’s remarriage like it was done the first time she got married. However, this is not so, the remarriages are done so low key that one will begin to wonder if it is a thief being smuggled out of the house, or even a funeral.
For most women, they are quite content with that; the low bride price, the few ‘Kayan daki’, the small or no gathering, the absence of ‘Lefe’, and many others. The women are most of the time just grateful to be remarried and lack all manner of enthusiasm.
But there is nothing wrong with sharing in the celebration of a divorced woman’s remarriage to show them that they are loved. Attend such remarriages, give them gifts, grant them good wishes, and make them enter with a positive mindset.
9. Support Their Children
No woman should be forced to live apart from her children if it can be helped. This goes mainly to the new husband. When you marry a divorced woman who already has children, try as much as you can to support her children.
Mother and child separation has happened many times because the new husband refuses to take in her children as his. Hence, she has no choice but to leave her children with relatives or with the family of her old husband where they might end up getting maltreated. In other times, divorced women often simply refuse to remarry for fear of child separation.
In another context, husbands who divorce their wives should try their possible best to cater for her and her children and not abandon them. This will keep the mother of your children and also your children off the streets and away from suffering.
10. Don’t Rub It on Their Faces
Marry her, show her life can be different and don’t rub it on her face! If as a new husband, you cannot cater for the emotional needs of your previously divorced new wife, then don’t marry her!
Too many men have married divorced women only to rub salts on their wounds. They constantly use her previous marital status to rain insults and abuses on her and her children as they like. Desperate to not go into divorce number two, these women are forced to live with monsters as husbands.
Do yourself the honour of not disgracing your manhood and leave these women alone. They are doing very fine and do not need someone like you to marry them and practice your childishness on their misfortune.
Conclusion
We have looked at ten ways in which we as a community of people with humanity can make life easier for divorced women. However, as a saying goes;
Be the heroine of your life, not the victim.
Nora Ephron
To the divorced women out there, divorce is a chance for self-reflection and growth. It is not for the public to decide where you are spiritually or morally but for yourself to decide where you are and what to do with your life. That way, you can turn a blind eye to the negativity of people.
To the remaining people out there, know that divorce is like a road accident waiting to happen to anybody at any time. Some are more severe than others. Some people will escape with barely a scratch while others will become temporarily or permanently disabled or even lose their lives. The fact that it skips you doesn’t make you a better driver or pedestrian than others. Some people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
When bringing out an accident victim, we do it cautiously not knowing which part of the victim is hurt internally. Likewise, we also need to tread cautiously with divorced people, for we don’t know which bone in their body is about to break!
by Maryam Idris Bappa | Oct 26, 2021 | Opinion
What is the meaning of the term “black beauty?” is it a compliment meant to flatter people who are dark-skinned and look good, or is it in fact meant to downgrade darker women? Thinking about the possible meaning and origin of the word, it occurs to me how light-skinned people are not given this “presumed privilege”. That is to say, if you are light-skinned, you are simply accepted as beautiful, but if otherwise, then your beauty needs to be stressed!
Like telling someone “You look good today” when in fact saying “You look good” alone is sufficient. The person may at first feel happy and complimented but may begin to wonder if he/she looked less good on other days. Likewise, if you tell someone that he or she is a black beauty, it may mean the person is beautiful despite being black. So instead of telling people, they are black beauties, simply address them as “Beauties”.
It is almost as if dark-skinned people are not expected to be beautiful and in the event that they are, it calls for a special celebration. I believe this discrimination is one of the few effects of colorism in our society today.
Colorism arises from a difference in skin tone colour and skin tone colour is dependent on melanin; which is responsible for determining skin and hair colour and is present in the skin in varying degrees, depending on how much a population has been exposed to the sun historically. Other factors such as geography and genetics then play another role in differentiating the skin tone colour of people of the same race and climate.
Colorism; an offshoot of racism, is discrimination based on skin tone between people of the same race where lighter-skinned people are treated better than dark-skinned ones. It originated during the times Europeans enslaved Africans. During that period, the darker-skinned slaves were put to work in the fields while the lighter-skinned slaves with more European-like features took on more domestic and easier tasks within their masters’ households. This was done to cause separation within the enslaved community.
In 2002, Nigeria had over 99.5 million users of bleaching products placing second globally after India.
If you observe, Nigerians are constantly in the habit of mocking Ghanaians and Kenyans for being too black just because they are darker than us in complexion. In Northern Nigeria, there is a popular saying that goes:
Farar Mace Alkyabbar Mata
Unknown
Meaning “A fair lady is a cloak to other women” and in a deeper context simply means fair women are better and more attractive than darker women.
But what are the consequences of these bold claims thrown in favour and on the face of light and dark-skinned women in Nigeria? Below are among many of the negative effects of colorism especially for Nigerian women:
1. Increases Preferential Treatment at Home and School
Sadly, the roots of colourism have taken deep into the fertile soil of our domestic lives. In our homes, neighbourhoods, and schools, children of lighter skin tone are treated better than their darker skin tone peers.
At home, lighter-skinned children are preferred when it comes to accompanying the mother to outings. Sometimes they are even given less stressful chores because they are deemed more fragile and precious. In large gatherings like weddings or ceremonies, light skin children are more adored and carried than darker ones who are told immediately to go to their parents.
Likewise, in school, lighter-skinned children are picked for parades, plays, and sometimes even quizzes to represent their respective classes, houses, or schools.
This personal preference may lead to loss of child confidence from a young age; promote sibling or peer rivalry and also break the trust between guardian and child.
2. Leads to False Sense of Identity and Superiority
One of the effects of colorism is, it gives fair people a feeling of superiority. When you constantly show people that they are better or more attractive than their peers, you might as well just have issued them a blank check or lottery ticket to do whatever the hell they want. Their egos rise and some of them automatically feel they have made it in life due to their skin tone. When this happens, they gain an added rise in ego, self-praise, and shamelessness resulting in them belittling those that they feel are inferior to them through physical and emotional bullying and degradation.
They feel it is their place to pick the more attractive garment since it will flatter them more. The more attractive men approach them and their friends is their birthright. They can even go to the extent of thinking they cannot do belittling works or chores despite their financial status.
3. Colorism Narrows Beauty and Societal Standards
When the measure of attractiveness is continually narrowed down by the day until it comes down to the level of melanin one possesses, the standard of beauty diminishes, and unrealistic societal standards are set. This affects other factors including class, intelligence nobility, and even hygiene.
In a glimpse, a light-skinned person is by default expected to possess more class, intelligence, and nobility than a dark-skinned one. Children of the rich are expected to be fairer than those of the poor to reflect their luxurious lifestyle and proper hygiene. A recently married woman is expected to grow lighter in complexion and the white races have been officially stamped to be more intelligent than black people.
In short, people feel they need to be fair to be beautiful, or else they also lose some of their societal respect and perception.
4. Collapse in Self-esteem Is One of The Effects of Colorism
One of the effects of colorism is, it reduces self-esteem. When a person grows up feeling rejected or treated differently by his/her family, peers, and society in general due to his/her skin colour, that person may fall into self-hatred and feel ashamed of his/her appearance. This mostly happens when the person does not understand the true origin of colourism and fight against its effects.
Also without having people accept him/her for who they are, depression kicks as they begin to feel discomfort in their own skin. For a woman, constantly having her fair friend admired and picked over her by her crushes due to narrowed beauty standards makes her feel ugly and unattractive.
This may lead to her having a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence.
5. Encourages Production of Harmful Skin Bleaching Products
If everyone feels beautiful and is comfortable in their own skin despite their skin tone, then cancer and other skin ailments will go a long way in being reduced worldwide. On a global scale, some skincare products are made up of bleaching products, many of which are harmful as you use them or later in life when you stop.
Although, it is a choice to bleach. When people refuse to genuinely see and feel beauty in all skin tones, many lose self-confidence and are cajoled to begin bleaching their skins. A woman who feels her marriage is dependent on her skin colour will not hesitate to bleach as she has seen her peers do it successfully and feel she is doing it for a greater cause.
As Nigeria continues to boast a worrying amount of bleaching experts with famed male crossdresser “Bobrisky” as one of them, they are cashing in on the desperation of people especially women to acquire a lighter skin tone.
Another effect of colorism is that it promotes discrimination in the workplace. People especially women seeking job opportunities have suffered the effects of colorism. This is especially true of jobs where part of customer patronage may depend on their attraction to people offering them services.
Because of colourism, potential air hostesses, waitresses, hotel room service, models, bank tellers, product adverts, and many more have been dismissed and disqualified for the job as their less attractive dark skin is less preferred to satisfy customer’s aesthetic satisfaction. Their other qualifications may come second in their Employer’s requirements.
This is also true in Nigerian Movie Industry popularly known as “Nollywood”,
7. It Reduces Moral Values Among Women
Just like how many students throw away a handout once they are done with a course, many women feel they have gotten their life distinction because of their skin tone. They ignore other personal and moral values especially regarding themselves, relationships with people, and marriage.
For a woman who lacks a stern upbringing, this is an opportunity for her to throw her manual out the window. Don’t completely blame her though, society has already given her a life certificate. As a saying goes in Northern Nigeria:
Farar mace ko mayya ce
Unknown
This is commonly said by men who have a desire to wed a fair woman. The phrase literally means “A fair woman even if she is a witch” which means that they don’t mind any kind of woman so long she is light-skinned.
While darker women strive to be personally, educationally, and morally upright, the societally right egoistic ones fall deep into the pit of shame and illiteracy.
8. Enhances Divorce Rate Among Men
This is also one of the numerous effects of colorism. Of course, when you marry a woman solely for your attraction to her skin colour while throwing other values out the window, you yourself are bound to be valueless. As such, any small mishap in your relationship or marriage may lead you to send her back home. From there, you either become aware or move to the next bus stop of alighting fair women.
Women of lighter skin should beware of such kinds of men as they only care about themselves. No! More preferably, light-skinned women should have other values that will help them throughout their lives and give them a compass.
Even in the prostitution industry, perceived beauty values make light-skinned women have higher market value than light-skinned ones. This is a call for desperate light-skinned women out there to join the industry as an easy way out. Also, those already in the business strive to bleach and increase their market worth. So-called friends wanting to initiate others could be heard easily advising their friends and saying:
…After all, you are fair and men like fair women, this industry is meant for people like you.
Ask for my advice and I will tell you even if you are fair, look for another job and keep your dignity.
Racism has already eaten us to the buds. Colourism is serving as a catalyst. When we don’t accept and embrace our skin tones, nobody will. No one will feel threatened or intimidated to discriminate against our race if we ourselves don’t embrace and protect it fiercely.
Conclusion
Now looking at these ten troubling effects of colorism, this goes to everyone involved in the rising pandemic.
Look at your hands and try picturing all your fingers becoming equal. Next, imagine which one would be most useful. If you can’t give yourself an answer, then simply know that everything was created differently to serve a unique purpose. Are all your teeth exactly similar or is everyone you know rich? What if everyone became a doctor or all the people you know are lawyers. Crazy right? So why should everyone be of the same colour?
In uniqueness lies in beauty and beauty lies acceptance. Accept who you are and imagine everyone else as a finger or a tooth that needs to be different and accept them too.
