by Musa Bala | Apr 30, 2022 | Uncategorized
Maintaining the intimacy of marriage and other important relationships in our lives can prove to be a challenge, especially when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. Maintaining a same-sex friendship outside marriage might seem relatively easier when compared to the challenge it could be nurturing a close opposite-sex friendship. When your partner is close to someone of the opposite sex, here’s what to know. But first, let’s take a scenario:
“Every case is different, however, I do believe there must always be boundaries if you are in a committed relationship. For example, my wife dated this guy once and they knew it wasn’t going anywhere yet they remained friends before we met. After we started dating, she would want to go hang out with him at an event he invited her to b/c his buddy or another gal pal couldn’t make it. I had no problem with her going to an event with him it was a group thing, but her going by herself with him didn’t sit well with me at all. I believe this is a boundary line you shouldn’t cross. Am I insecure? Yes because my ex-wife cheated on me with someone who was a friend of ours. Affairs can start with seemingly innocent relationships. It always starts emotional before it gets physical. So in my opinion, your relationships with the opposite sex should be very guarded and you should value your husband’s opinion and respect his desires. Otherwise, you are creating tension and struggles for him”
If you are married, there’s a good chance that you’ve had a discussion with your spouse about a relationship between someone outside your marriage and one of you. You have to decide how you should approach other relationships because obviously, your marriage is the most important relationship to be protected.
However, this doesn’t mean that you have to end your relationships with other people outside your marriage. Such friendships with someone of the opposite sex are not generally a problem until when it becomes more intimate either emotionally or physically. This could make your spouse feel uncomfortable and find it difficult to trust you thereby developing into a problem in your marriage. This article will help you with changes you can make to prioritize your marriage.
When Your Partner Is Close to another Person of the Other Sex
There are conceivable circumstances under which your partner could be friends with someone of the opposite sex without any physical attraction or sexual compatibility. In such situations, having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex might not be an issue at all. An example is being friends with old women or men around where you live. Your partner can go to their house for chats, share their personal stuff and listen to their experiences as well, help them with certain tasks and you can be sure nothing is ever going to happen.
It is also important that you realize that many opposite-sex relationships involve people who in different circumstances would be potentially emotionally and sexually engaged. While married people need to stop considering alternatives, it is common for men to befriend women they have a certain degree of attraction. When you regard someone as a potential alternative, then that friendship has a great risk attached to it.
The major difference between these two aforementioned kinds of opposite-sex relationships Is fantasy. This is when your spouse starts wondering, “I wonder what it would be like to have sex with that person or married to”. Such thoughts degrade your spouse’s intimacy, commitment, and loyalty to your marriage, and it is called considering potential alternatives.
Look Out For Warning Signs
When you have any reason to think that your partner is close to someone of the opposite sex, here are signs to look out for so you can be sure before acting on what doesn’t exist.
- When you find your spouse consistently calling or texting with someone of the opposite sex, especially when their communication is not limited to work or other necessary responsibilities.
- If you observe their relationship is becoming more intimate either emotionally or physically. Like they share personal things they wouldn’t share with someone of the opposite sex normally, holding hands or always wanting to sit together, there’s a good chance they’re becoming too close.
- If your spouse tries to arrange more meetings or reasons to be together with their opposite-sex friend more time than usual. For example, if a friendship started at work but they now want to meet more often.
- If your spouse is hiding from you the details of their communication and time together with the other person, their relationship is too close.
- When you realize they think about the other person a lot. An example is when your spouse sees or hears something, they say it reminds them of the other person.
What You Should Do
1. Reflect On Your Feelings About Your Discovery
After discovering your partner is close to someone of the opposite sex, the first thing you should do is understand how the situation makes you feel. Do you feel bothered, threatened, ignored, insecure, disrespected, or even jealous?
Knowing where your feelings lie, will help you determine how you should handle the situation.
2. Reflect On Your Relationship With Your Partner
Understanding your relationship with your spouse can give you an idea about why your spouse enjoys the friend’s company, this can also give you directions towards handling the situation permanently with much ruckus.
Try to understand the state of your marriage, how well do you communicate? How is your intimacy? How much time do you spend together? Answers to such questions can clarify what you need to do.
3. Talk to Your Partner
The important thing you can do when your partner is close to another person of the opposite sex is to first talk to them, and let them know how it makes you feel and how they are hurting you. You need to let them understand that you can’t stand them being too close to another person of the opposite sex.
Listen to your spouse as they try to explain their behaviors toward the other person and be sure to let them know that you want to make your marriage work.
4. Encourage Your Partner to Set Boundaries
Setting up boundaries can help a lot to manage other opposite-sex relationships outside your marriage by prioritizing the relationship between you and your spouse. It also protects the trust between you and your spouse. When you and your spouse set boundaries on opposite-sex friendships, it will help keep the balance between your marriage and other relationships with the opposite sex. Some boundaries your spouse and you can look like:
a. Any friendship with someone of the opposite sex must be in the open.
b. Do not share details of your spouse with a friend of the opposite sex.
c. Don’t be alone with a friend of the opposite sex outside of work, unless when agreed by your spouse.
d. Don’t be friends with anyone your spouse does not feel comfortable with.
e. Build a shared social network with your spouse.
Related: Why Setting Boundaries in Relationships Is Important
Conclusion
When your partner is too close to someone of the opposite sex, it could lead to you feeling threatened, abandoned, and even lose trust in your them. Talk to your them, they might even know they were making you uncomfortable.
You could also prevent such “closeness” between your partner and someone outside your relationship by strengthening your union and cultivating a deep friendship with your partner.
FAQs
When married, can opposite-sex friendships work?
Yes, it can, as long as your marriage is always prioritized above opposite-sex relationships. A relationship with someone of the opposite sex can work when it is not allowed to affect the trust, commitment, and intimacy you share with your spouse. A working relationship should be kept as such, there should be a limit which your relationship with someone of the opposite sex shouldn’t cross.
Should opposite-sex relationships be completely avoided?
Relationships with someone of the opposite sex can be harmless when there’s no fantasy, physical attraction, and sexual compatibility as explained earlier. In such a case, there’s no need to be alarmed.
However, some opposite-sex relationships can nurture sexual tension between a spouse and someone outside the marriage. This should be outrightly avoided.
Can opposite-sex relationships ruin a marriage?
When an opposite-sex relationship threatens your relationship with your spouse, such that you hide things from your spouse, you share intimate and personal details with your opposite-sex friend, you regard your friendship outside your marriage to the extent that you ignore the realities of your marriage, Yes!
Can men and women be just friends?
Men and women can be just friends when the friendship is practiced with self-awareness and boundaries. Without these boundaries, a man and a woman can’t just be friends. This is because it is common for men to befriend women they have a certain degree of attraction.
How do I balance my relationship with someone of the opposite sex and my marriage?
The first and most important thing to understand is that your marriage always comes first. Never allow your friendships to affect your marriage negatively. Listen to your spouse when they tell you how they feel about your relationship with someone of the opposite sex and together establish boundaries that will help protect the trust and commitment in your marriage.
by Maryam Idris Bappa | Nov 14, 2021 | Uncategorized
‘Bazawara’, a term in the Hausa language used to represent a woman who has married before and is no longer with her husband, as a result of death or divorce. Yet, it is a word carrying so much identity and stigma. It could almost be seen drawn on the faces of ‘Zaurawa’. Even worse, in Northern Nigeria, the way divorce is ultimately pinned to be the fault of women, while the men are given a thousand excuses, is simply unfair.
Divorce in Nigeria
In Nigeria, according to the National Bureau of statistics, very few percentages of married men and women get divorced legally, excluding traditional marriages which are more popular. These divorces are triggered by early marriages, sexual-related issues, change in lifestyles, fantastical ideology of women about marriage, career, and also married couples living apart for more than 2 years.
Still, reasons and requests for divorce could result from either man or woman, sometimes over a ridiculous issue. In one instance, a woman asked her husband for divorce because he mistook the toilet for her cooking pot. In another instance, a man divorced his wife because he felt deceived over her beauty.
These and more have led to more than sufficient reasons to get divorced in Nigeria.
Divorce in Northern Nigeria
In Northern Nigeria, divorce trends in places like Kano, Katsina, Zaria, and Bauchi, with reasons originating from toxic masculinity, early marriages due to parents’ financial incapabilities, lack of counselling, lack of psychological preparations, and the build-up of a false psychological state of negative expectations.
Right from when a woman is to be married, the phrase “Ayi hakuri” meaning marriage is all about patience is chanted to the woman until the day she dies. This makes her go into marriage with the worst possible painted scenarios in her head, also trapping her in a long unhappy marriage of physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse.
She feels it is her responsibility to have patience and keep the marriage going until when she is not able to. Then, the fault is pinned on her and the man is acquitted.
Addressing The Stigma towards Divorced Women
Whatever be the reason for divorce, women are always at the negative stigmatic receiving end of it, with their children caught at traumatizing middles. Anger, depression, hopelessness, and poverty are some of the few impacts divorces has on women.
As a result, more and more women end up in drugs, violence, feminism, kidnapping, and human trafficking. The men, on the other hand, go on with their lives marrying as many more wives as fit for their practice.
However, it is time we stop pointing societally manicured fingers and accept that what has happened cannot be reversed. Therefore, instead of blaming each other for the past, let us allow women divorcees to breathe and live life without dooming tattoos.
Below are ways we can make life less difficult for divorced women and help them get through their struggles.
10 Ways to Make the Life of a Divorced Woman Less Difficult
1. Give Women Freedom to Make a Choice
When people divorce, it can be such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together, it can even be worse.
Monica Belluci
The first step to helping divorced women is by NOT making them stay in unhappy marriages. Parents especially fathers, giving out their daughters in marriage should know that by giving their daughters a chance to make a healthy exit out of a toxic marriage, they are saving them a lot of physical and emotional damages in the marriage and afterwards.
Rather than a warning and threatening their daughters that under no circumstances should they leave their husband’s house, with strict penalties outlined in place for them, they should advise them accordingly and trust them to make the right decisions.
Many women have gone into and stayed through disastrous marriages with fear of their parents that when the marriage eventually ends, they are left already physically and emotionally drained beyond help.
2. Know That It Could Be You
This goes to people especially women that look down on other women that are divorced. Show some empathy! Yes. There is nothing special about you that puts you above divorced women. Nothing that guarantees that you, your friend, or your family will not fall into the same situation.
As bitter as it may sound, you need to open your eyes, read some books, then get off your high horse and show these women some understanding. Or at least, don’t try to judge them based on your pure ignorance.
3. Don’t Punish Them At Home
Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping it will transform into a door.
Coco Chanel
The idea that a divorced woman should become a glorified maid of the house upon her return from her husband’s house needs to stop right this moment!
Don’t punish and frustrate divorced women at their parents’ or guardians’ homes into regret or returning to their husbands’ homes’, this ill tradition promoted by poverty and ignorance has successfully been transferred from generation to generation. Surely, it may have been seen to work and set women straight in some instances, but a piece of advice,
You never know what these frustrated women might return and end up doing. Instead, show empathy and give these women the emotional support they need. That way, they can think straight and begin to focus on the next step of action.
Also, it will enable both the husband and other members of the society to see them with respect and treat them as the humans that they are.
4. Accept Them Back in the Society
The northern society becomes like thorns on a chair for divorced women to sit on after a long day’s work. Everywhere they go, lips murmur and fingers point at them. At weddings and gatherings, especially of women, the divorcees can be seen grouping themselves into a subconscious mental club where they feel less rejected.
Women openly gossip about whose marriage just ended and whose is about to. In short, the public becomes an unfavourable atmosphere for divorced women and those who care about them.
These displays of ignorance happen as a result of a lack of knowledge and empathy by society, forcing divorced women who cannot withstand the pressure to fall back into depression and self-hatred.
5. Offer Them Professional Counselling
Take a step back, reflect and look at the bigger picture. As divorce experiences differ in different marriages, most times, when women come out of a marriage, they are in need of intense counselling in order to make peace with their past and move on.
It may also help them rebuild themselves for their next marriages. So instead of jumping from one marriage to the other, know that as a divorced woman,
Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.
Toni Morrison
Understanding why certain things happened in your marriage and why you and your partner felt the way you felt and reacted the way you reacted will enable you to understand yourselves and make a closure. It will also free you from self-blame and enable you to take the next step of action.
Although such programs are not popular in Northern Nigeria, famed online ‘Divorce Diaries’ have gone a long way in giving structure and support groups to divorced women in Northern Nigeria.
6. Empower Them Financially
Divorced women should be equipped with skills such that they can earn enough to feed, clothe, and school their children. Many women prefer to stay in draining marriages solely because they have no way of taking care of the financial needs of themselves and their children if they choose to leave.
Caught in a dilemma to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea, those who choose divorce are immediately abandoned by the husband, who is already busy with his other wives or looking for ways of replacing the woman with another.
As such, divorced women can be seen doing menial jobs like housekeeping, hawking, and others to cater for themselves and their children’s wellbeing. But that alone will not suffice as the wages they receive cannot go past feeding and clothing. Therefore, organizations should provide jobs or empowerment for divorced women.
7. Don’t Make Them Feel Inferior to Other Women
A woman should not be disqualified for her next marriage simply because she has been married before and gotten divorced.
I am talking particularly to women who feel divorced women are at the bottom of the compatibility chain of marriages. The sad truth is that this is common among mothers. A northern Nigerian mother will hardly allow her unmarried son to marry a lady who was divorced before. On the other hand, people hardly care whether a man is a divorcee when he is in search of marriage.
Why all these stigmas and preferential treatment? If a divorced woman is considered a bad person and not marriageable to a bachelor, then it is only fair that the same should apply for a divorced man searching for a spinster’s hand in marriage.
Rather than make divorced women feel inferior to spinsters because of their previous marital status, judge them for who they are fairly and give equal chances to both parties.
8. Celebrate Their Remarriages With Enthusiasm (Grand Remarriages)
There is nothing wrong with gathering a merry crowd to celebrate a divorced woman’s remarriage like it was done the first time she got married. However, this is not so, the remarriages are done so low key that one will begin to wonder if it is a thief being smuggled out of the house, or even a funeral.
For most women, they are quite content with that; the low bride price, the few ‘Kayan daki’, the small or no gathering, the absence of ‘Lefe’, and many others. The women are most of the time just grateful to be remarried and lack all manner of enthusiasm.
But there is nothing wrong with sharing in the celebration of a divorced woman’s remarriage to show them that they are loved. Attend such remarriages, give them gifts, grant them good wishes, and make them enter with a positive mindset.
9. Support Their Children
No woman should be forced to live apart from her children if it can be helped. This goes mainly to the new husband. When you marry a divorced woman who already has children, try as much as you can to support her children.
Mother and child separation has happened many times because the new husband refuses to take in her children as his. Hence, she has no choice but to leave her children with relatives or with the family of her old husband where they might end up getting maltreated. In other times, divorced women often simply refuse to remarry for fear of child separation.
In another context, husbands who divorce their wives should try their possible best to cater for her and her children and not abandon them. This will keep the mother of your children and also your children off the streets and away from suffering.
10. Don’t Rub It on Their Faces
Marry her, show her life can be different and don’t rub it on her face! If as a new husband, you cannot cater for the emotional needs of your previously divorced new wife, then don’t marry her!
Too many men have married divorced women only to rub salts on their wounds. They constantly use her previous marital status to rain insults and abuses on her and her children as they like. Desperate to not go into divorce number two, these women are forced to live with monsters as husbands.
Do yourself the honour of not disgracing your manhood and leave these women alone. They are doing very fine and do not need someone like you to marry them and practice your childishness on their misfortune.
Conclusion
We have looked at ten ways in which we as a community of people with humanity can make life easier for divorced women. However, as a saying goes;
Be the heroine of your life, not the victim.
Nora Ephron
To the divorced women out there, divorce is a chance for self-reflection and growth. It is not for the public to decide where you are spiritually or morally but for yourself to decide where you are and what to do with your life. That way, you can turn a blind eye to the negativity of people.
To the remaining people out there, know that divorce is like a road accident waiting to happen to anybody at any time. Some are more severe than others. Some people will escape with barely a scratch while others will become temporarily or permanently disabled or even lose their lives. The fact that it skips you doesn’t make you a better driver or pedestrian than others. Some people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
When bringing out an accident victim, we do it cautiously not knowing which part of the victim is hurt internally. Likewise, we also need to tread cautiously with divorced people, for we don’t know which bone in their body is about to break!
by Abu Hafsah | Aug 15, 2021 | Uncategorized
Marriage is an act of nature that humans engage in at a point in time in their lifetimes. Humans belong to different tribes, and sometimes one’s tribe determines the kind of person they turn out to be most at times. Here, we are going to limit ourselves to ‘Hausa’ as a tribe. Now, talking about the things to know about Hausa tribe ladies, this article is important for you.
This article seeks to give you all the things you need to know beforehand before tying the knot with a Hausa lady.
Though there are different categories of Hausa ladies, almost all fit in this sense. Refer to signs to know that a Hausa Lady Loves You to see the categories. When you’re considering taking a Hausa tribe wife, here are things to know about Hausa ladies:
Things to Know before Marrying a Hausa Tribe Lady
1. They Are Mostly Religious
The northern part of Nigeria is arguably the most religious part of the nation, and the most religious tribe amongst them is the Hausas. Therefore, you should put it at the back of your mind, most especially if you are a socially inclined person that you may end up marrying a religious woman.
As a socially inclined dude, living with a religious woman can be disturbing and sometimes, very unbearable. This is because both of you see things differently.
If you know you aren’t ready to cope with that, do not even start. Get someone your type to settle down with as marriage isn’t meant to be temporary, but a lifetime thing!
My advice to people always is “marry your type!”
2. Their Morality is Mostly Intact Compared to Other Tribes from the North
Furthermore, one of the things to know about Hausa ladies is that they are modest. Modesty is a common outfit many people wear in the North.
Whenever the word ‘modesty’ comes up, women are the first to come to most peoples’ minds. Most Hausa ladies are modestly dressed. Visit the North and see that for yourself! Very visually pleasing, I must say.
This is a result of inadequate exposure to western life as they mostly see that way of life as not appropriate, taboo, and unreligious because it goes against almost every teaching of the two most practised religions (Islam and Christianity) in that part of the country.
Another piece of advice I usually give is: ‘Always marry someone of equal social class with you’.
3. They are Mostly Housewife-Oriented
Another very important thing to know about Hausa ladies is that they are brought up in an environment that believes a wife should just be a housewife and nothing more.
Sadly in this generation of ours, we still have people who believe that a woman shouldn’t engage in any form of work, therefore, should be fully unproductive except for childbearing and household chores. Although, some educated ones think otherwise.
So if you are the kind of person who wants your spouse to go out and do something productive, you may have a huge problem to deal with.
I suggest you search elsewhere!
4. Hausa Ladies Hardly Give Financial Assistance
Because the Hausas believe that all the three (3) basic human needs (food, clothing and shelter, and others) are the sole responsibility of the husband, they do not like to assist in taking care of the house or marriage financially, even if they are working-class or engaged in one kind of trade or the other. They majorly stick to their primary role of cooking and childbearing.
More so, because Hausa women believe that one of the only religious aspects that Hausa men like to practice and adhere to strictly is ‘MARRIAGE’; they can take a second, third, and even a fourth wife even if it is evident that they do not have the financial and physical capabilities to do so.
Frankly speaking, some of them can only take half a wife if a thing like that exists. It makes Hausa women believe that “even if I give him any form assistance, he might feel relaxed and may eventually begin to see the need to take a second wife because that is the norm of the day”.
5. They Are Mostly Ungrateful
It’s commonsense to show appreciation to someone for every gratitude shown to you by them.
Sad to say, in the northern part of Nigeria, we lack that most especially among Hausa people. As a result, most Hausa women see their husbands as just slaves because they are ordained by God Almighty to take care of their every need. This makes them not show appreciation to their spouses for every effort they make to make ends meet for the family.
A Hausa friend of mine who is married to a Hausa lady used to say: “If I have the chance or means to take a second wife, I will definitely not settle for another Hausa lady because most of them are ungrateful, mine inclusive”. See that?
6. Make Sure to Choose Her Friends for Her
Ladies, in general, have wide listening ears to their friend’s advice, which is mostly wrong; Hausa ladies are not an exception.
They fail to understand that no two families are the same in terms of everything, and so, there is some advice you take from your fellow married woman and some you don’t. What works for them may not necessarily work for you.
To be on the safer side as a husband, engage yourself fully in selecting the kind of friends she should mingle with.
Advisably, considerably reduce her Hausa tribe friends and encourage her to make friends with other tribes outside of Northern Nigeria.
7. Some of Them Are Disrespectful
This may sound too harsh but that’s the truth. Gone are the days when discipline can be administered by even non-members of the family. Nowadays, even that is not evident within a family. This is very common in Hausa land.
One of the things to know about Hausa tribe ladies is that they are mostly disrespectful. This is a result of inadequate respect shared within most Hausa families and their environment. It is typical to see a wife disrespecting her husband before his children because he doesn’t put food on her table. Now, what do you expect of a lady who was brought up in that kind of family and environment?
With that said, be ready to put a stop to that if she shows any sign to you. If you can’t handle that, be rest assured it may even go way beyond you to your family!
8. They Are Pleasingly Beautiful
If you’ve been to the Northern part of Nigeria, you will testify to that. You need to see how glowing their faces are with little or no make-up.
This is surely one of the things to know about Hausa tribe ladies.
9. Hausa Ladies are Complacent
Complacency is a feeling of calm satisfaction with your own abilities or situation that prevents you from trying harder
Staying with a complacent wife can be frustrating if you are directly the opposite type. You will want her to move forward, say, further her studies, but no, she wants to stay put.
A typical Hausa lady sees no need to change whatsoever. Whenever she attains a certain level in her life that she sees as standard, she becomes content.
The world is evolving and we cannot afford to be dwelling in one place. So get ready to break that spirit of hers!
Conclusion
Marriage is a beautiful thing and enjoyable when you meet the right lady, and can also be a pain in the ass if you marry the wrong one. Know that Hausa ladies like every other lady can be fun to be with if you handle them well.
The above-mentioned things to know about Hausa ladies will go a long way in helping you know what kind of spouse you want to take beforehand.
Having known all these points, are you willing to proceed with your dating or wedding plan with her? Please share with us in the comments section. If you think I missed a point, kindly share as well. Thank you.
If you find this article useful, you should also read on: 12 Factors to Consider When Choosing a Life Partner and 10 Things Every Marriage Needs.
